So I was going to post about what’s going on in Louisiana with my Uncle Huddy, but I don’t think it’s really appropriate and it’s been really draining and sad so I’ll save you all the drama and just note that I’m doing ok, he’s getting better (I think) by the day and I hope by the time I leave here, I’ll have no reason to worry about him or his heart or any of this. But for now, I’d like to focus on something that’s not serious, to get my mind off things for a half hour.
I’ve been watching some American TV this week (which for the most part is AMAAAAAZING) and then I ran across this, which is why today’s post is entitled FREAKSHOW ALERT, which actually doesn’t begin to cover my thoughts on this. Please do me a favor and check out today’s topic on this daytime talk (housewife) show, “The Drs”. Today’s feature is called Cuddle Time and holy good fuck, this makes me feel awkward.
Please, please click on this site to read up on what I’m talking about. http://www.cuddleparty.com/ I’m horrified. Reach out and touch someone? Cuddly, not doing the nasty? Hug someone? EKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK (I’m gagging again). Is this serious? They are sponsored…as in if you want people around the world to cuddle, donate money now. What the hell. I don’t understand. If you have more than two people rolling around on the floor, reaching out and stroking each other, you either have an orgy or you have experimentation with ecstasy and this claims to be neither, which both bores me and freaks me out. THAT MEANS THEY ARE JUST CUDDLING. I am so confused.
I love a good cuddle here and there but I’m not going to lie on a rug in front of strangers, rolling around and asking permission to stroke someone’s hair or spoon them. This is creepy. And they claim (proudly) that no alcohol or nudity is involved which just makes the whole thing stupid. People are paying some mediator to let you act like it’s 1pm nap time in kindergarten. If you’re not getting anything out of it, like a good feel or a glance at some good-looking person’s goodies (I’m going to take a huge leap here and guess that there are no good-looking people involved in these things), then I’m not sure why you can’t just join a support group. I hear they hug
in public too.
Oh, and there are rules. How perfect. Wouldn’t want to fuck up a good spoon session with strangers. My god. Here are the rules. The sarcastic comments will be mine.
The Rules
WHAT TO WEAR: Pajamas – nothing too risqué. Think more comfy than sexy. (More drawstring, less lace! No shorts.) (think frumpy)
WHAT TO BRING: A pillow or stuffed animal if you like. Juice or sparkling cider is always welcome. Sorry, no liquor folks. Otherwise, just bring your smiling self. (WHY THE HELL ARE THESE ADULTS BRINGING AROUND STUFFED ANIMALS?? SPARKLING CIDER? My god. Bring Curious George, your juice boxes and your pretty teeth! I hate these people)
STICK TO THE RULES:
- Pajamas stay on the whole time. (do not under ANY circumstance flash anyone)
- You don’t have to cuddle anyone at a Cuddle Party, ever. (wtf. if you are there to cuddle, you better be cuddling the fuck out of every person in that room. It better be like musical spooning and I don’t want anyone wasting time)
- You must ask permission and receive a verbal YES before you touch anyone. (Be as specific in your request as you can.) (Can I hug you? Yes. Can I spoon you from behind? Yes. I like your fuzzy pjs. Thanks. I like your doll you brought. AHHHHHHHHHHHHH This is making me sick.)
- If you’re a yes, say YES. If you’re a no, say NO. (What if I’m a tease? I guess No can’t mean Yes here? No mind games allowed? This cuddle party is for amateurs. I hate this.)
- If you’re a maybe, say NO. (Fine.)
- You are encouraged to change your mind anytime you want. (God forbid you get mid-cuddle and freak the hell out and want to go sit by yourself in a chair and just watch. I hear watching a good hug session is HOT.)
- Respect your relationship agreements and communicate with your partner. (I don’t think you can use the word partner if you aren’t inserting something into someone else or getting it yourself. I hate this website.)
- Get your Cuddle Lifeguard On Duty or Cuddle Caddy if you have a question or concern or need assistance with anything during the Cuddle Party. (WHAAAAAAAAAAT. WHY WHY WHY would anyone have a Cuddle Caddy and WHY IS THERE A LIFEGUARD ON DUTY? Is there a chance that someone is going to drown of intense cuddling/smothering. )
- Tears and laughter are both welcome. (If someone randomly cried openly to me just because we were cuddling, first I would check to make sure their dick was still attached and second I would punch them and get up and either 1. leave or 2. drink something. Then I would call my sister and we would mock them and laugh really loudly, on purpose. That is just weird and really ehhh, just really weird.)
- Respect people’s privacy when sharing about Cuddle Parties and do not gossip. (God forbid anyone says anything about Sharon’s fuzzy footy pjs or Mike’s Care Bear he brought with him. Of course I’m going to gossip but it’s called shit talking where I’m from and it’s going to be in your face and that’s what you get for being there in the first place and bringing things from the toy store.)
- Arrive on time. (Don’t make us wait to hold each other’s hands.)
- Be hygienically savvy. (Why bother. You’re not going to come in contact with anything good so who needs to shower. Ugh.)
So in case you are a little slow today, yes, looks like a bunch of hippies are behind this, which is fair, but only if in place of alcohol, you can at least smoke a bong. That would make sense. Otherwise, I think these people live at home with their parents, need some stimulation (of the sexy kind, most likely) and some therapy. And I don’t like this at all, in case I didn’t make that very clear. In fact, just knowing this exists and then commenting on it just made me want to go have myself relations in which I teach someone a lesson and there is NO CUDDLING involved.
Now where is my whip and stop hugging me.
The Heather Chronicles 
