Mermaids and Mermen: Sleep with or leave under the sea?

In my, All Things Heather, ask ridiculous questions series, you get insight into my life and thoughts and I’m sure you walk away shaking your head, wishing you never wasted your time tuning in to The Chronicles.

Like today. Today we’re going to answer a very important question about what type of mermaid/merman would you like to do The Good Sex with. Here’s the question I was asked last week:

If you were about to have sex with a mermaid, would you prefer human head, tits and a big fishy tail, or human legs and lady garden, with a big fishy head and gills? (you can make this a manmaid if you like).

Well, there are a few things to consider here. Let’s go over my initial thoughts, in order.

1. I like the phrase lady garden. I’m using it from here on out. Examples, “Can’t go out tonight. Weeding my lady garden.” Or, “Welcome to my lady garden, enjoy the fruit.” Or, “Calm your lady garden down and have a drink,” which just means stop acting like a vagina.

This is what happens when you google “lady garden”. Also, this picture makes me dislike girls.

2. If I choose the human legs/fish head option, does that mean I get only a limited amount of time on land for the Sexy Time because of the gills or if I don’t want to have a time limit, I just need to be near water somewhere so if said fish head gets close to death, we can just dunk his or her head and reset the length of Sexy Time? I think historically, I’ve never been great in the water, or maybe just hot tubs, so fish gills seems problematic to me.

3. What do mermen look like? Or are they menmaids? And do they always have long hair?

This is the only realish life merman I could find. I’m not thrilled about him, either.

4. I don’t really like the smell of fish whether it’s coming out of a fish head or a mermaid lady garden tail so I’m on the fence about this whole thing.

5. I’m afraid of snakes and that mer-tail looks suspect. Also, I don’t like touching fish, which I suppose is a more relevant complaint since snakes have nothing to do with this post.

6. Have you ever seen a mermaid with a butch haircut? Neither have I. Therefore, no mermaids are probably lesbians (c’mon, don’t start with this, lesbians have long hair too, stuff) and therefore I shouldn’t be considering sex with anything but a merman.

7. I’m not sure how the mer-tail works really. I prefer someone who has a solid grasp of using their legs, though a strong swimmer should mean great stamina and broad shoulders. Scratch that, though. I like legs. I’ve never been a huge fan of tails on anything. Except the Halloween my sister went as a cat, which is a whole other story.

8. Why are there so many shows about vampires and werewolves and none about life under the sea? Is it not as sexy, or is it the chance the entire crew would die drowning while filming? This is something I will probably research.

9. If you do choose the tail option, where are the goodies, exactly? Is the tail like a curtain and it can be pulled back somewhere? How do you get in there? I don’t need extra work, thanks.

10. Can’t I just be the mermaid? That seems like a reasonable end to this thought process.

After all that random evaluating, I’ve decided that I don’t think I want to sleep with a mer-anything, but it’s really comforting to know that I have a strong opinion on the subject.

Oscar Wilde

I love a good quote and lately, I keep coming across a lot of Oscar Wilde. I’m completely smitten.

If you feel like checking out a few of his quotes, go here to read 40 Quotes of Oscar Wilde. I think you’ll love him, too, if you don’t already.

Another week with the gays

Since being back from the cruise, I’ve had one or two wine nights with the boys, one spa night and a few reminders that I still look like a lesbian.

I took one step out of customs and maybe mentioned I hadn’t showered in two days, was in need of detox and that I am never eating a buffet for 8 days again and Bryan says, “Awwww, guuuuurrrrllll, you do look like a raging lesbian today.” I was wearing a black tank top and jeans and flip flops, my standard summer gear, which I did not know was lesbian uniform but by now, I’m most positive it is.

“Ugh, and I’ve gained like 9 pounds.” I offered, not wanting to believe I actually gained 9 pounds but then Kyle offered, “Ummm, yeah, I saw you get off the plane and was like ohhh, buffet, mmmmm.” Then I got the once over.

So I’m still a fat lesbian apparently, which is fine.

Then I get home and a few days later two full boxes of beauty supplies arrive from home, which is the result of my mother pressuring me into attending a costemtics party at her house this summer and I basically bought whatever it would take for her and me to get free gifts so I could drink my iced tea quietly. And I like salt scrubs, so there’s that.

Opening the box of items I have no idea how to use caused a great bit of excitement in the house and before I knew it, the three of us were upstairs in the bathroom doing skin abrasion treatments, which I’ll have you know is like sanding your face off gently, face masks, mustache waxes (me), deep hair conditioning treatments (me, three times due to salt water), red lipstick applications (them, oddly enough), suggestions on hair dying because “while your bleached out hair looks beachy, your roots look trashy“, nail polish refreshers and applying an ungodly amount of lavender salve to my body and lips which have lost all hydration until the end of time.

Just another day in my house

At the end of spa day, though, I did feel quite refreshed. We may or may not do another one tonight if we don’t accidentally fall under a bottle of wine first. Who knows.

In summary, this picture still sums up my life with the boys.

Technically, by demanding I give away my clothes already, they’ve done this.

I live the life of tough love.

Das Valterland says: Brits and cockroaches, both vile

Don’t blame me for the title of this blog. I actually have no opinion on comparing Brits to cockroaches. I think they actually did it to themselves in this case.

So I’m readying my Essential German phrase book again and remembered there was another section that was especially entertaining in the bed and breakfast section. While I don’t stay in many German hotels, unless we’re counting my car, I figure it can’t hurt to know a little hotel lingo.

So, directly following the, How do I order a hotel room/pay for it/talk about the bedding/bathroom/breakfast, I run across another section specifically for hotel room complaints.

Of course there is.

I’ll summarize the first half of the page, as it’s your pretty standard, too much noise, turn down the music, not enough linens, x, y and z are broken and then lots of phrases about how to complain about your bed. Then we get to the real problems at the very bottom of the page, which are appropriately ranked and categorized, if you’re looking at this like a German or maybe even an American.

Here’s the last 3 phrases this book finds it essential that you be able to complain about at a hotel.

We have trouble with bugs/insects: Wir haben Arger mit ungeziefer/insekten

This place is full of: Es wimmelt hier von
Mosquitos: mucken
Cockroaches: kakerlaken
Brits: Briten


I have to laugh again. Sorry, just wait a minute.


Yes, I suppose it would be smart to know when to complain about your hotel being full of Brits. I mean cockroaches. Anyway, I won’t be blamed for picking on anyone today. Blame the book. I am merely just the messenger.


Helloooo Mr. Universe

So I’m not usually one to act like a creep and stalk someone. First of all, I think being called a creep is probably the worst thing you can call a man. Most undesirable men are used to being called scumbags or assholes or jerks or whatever else jaded and bitter and engraged or bored or entitled women can think of, but when you toss out, OHMYGOD YOU ARE SUCH A CREEP, that implies a whole new level of wrong that usually involves spying and making weird faces or gestures or just being bizarre and making us feel of disgust that usually make us have to shower.

No one wants to be around a creep, let alone be one.

However, that is actually what Amber and I were acting like during the cruise and we take 100% responsibility for our behavior and after seeing our video, you will understand (ladies, you will) why we are not going to apologize. We were the creepiest of creeps and we kind of think it’s funny.

We saw Mr. Universe on day two at the pool, probably right before he entered the sexy legs competition. At first, we were not that entertained by him. And when I say at first, that lasted all of one minute until he turned around and put his green, plaid speedo in our face and laid out all of what Italy had to give us for eye candy that week. Not only was Mr. Universe packing quite a speedo, his skin was of caramel, his silver, lush hair glistened in the sun and he had a smile that made us breathless, when we were staring at his smile, which was rarely.

Just the preview

For the rest of the trip, he taunted us with his open legged positioning in his beach chair, which always just happened to be right in front of us. Seriously, the man just lounged around, legs open and leaning on one arm almost the entire trip. I saw no application of sun screen the entire trip, leading me to believe his skin was just meant for the sun. While the boys mocked us and claimed the back of his speedo looked like a diaper, we glared back and hissed that they were jealous of his goodies, which we’d point at and purr over from time to time.

Mr. Universe drank only water all trip, was at the gym at 6am every day, read Italian books at lunch and ate ice cream with a passion and technique that we enjoyed. He was truly a dream to stare at. I suppose his wife probably wondered what the hell was wrong with us but hey, don’t wear that damned speedo if you don’t want a bunch of bored American girls gawking.

I suppose we took it a bit too far when we started going down to the photo lab where they posted all the cheesy photos that the cruise had taken throughout the trip, mostly just to find his family photos, run our fingers over them and make awful comments that should get our mouths washed out with soap over. Or maybe it was too far when we’d take turns going to awkwardly stand behind him, acting all nonchalant, while the other took pictures from across the pool. Or maybe it was us filming him that was borderline psycho. Who knows.

What? This isn’t normal? YEAH RIGHT.

Anyway, leave us alone. We can act like nuts once in a while. 8 days on a cruise with the same damned people will do that to you, especially when there are only like 20 attractive people and 400 that look like candidates for the Biggest Loser.

So as to not keep you waiting any longer, da da da daaaaaaaaaaaa, here he is, in all his glory, Mr. Universe!

Our Mr. Universe (CLICK ON THIS LINK…it’s fine for work. No nudity, I promise)

Mr. Universe, we miss you and your green speedo.

Chatting up Germans, the UK way

As previously discussed, I bet my German counterparts at work that I could become conversational by the next time I saw them, which at the time would give me two months. 60 days to learn the *prettiest language of all, after being here three years and being able to order a beer, poorly at that.

And so I brought all of my books and workbooks and games with me on vacation and in fairness, I took them out three times, mostly in airports when bored. In case you’re wondering, not only are my numbers and colors taken care of, but I can, if you give me one more day, have a conversation that starts with, “I like you”, then asks you if you want to sleep with me, then we can have a brief discussion about AIDS and then I can toss in a few lines if someone gets too grabby and I don’t like it.

I’m not making this up. Why would I choose to memorize that set of phrases, say, as opposed to, uhhh, how are you and would you like to go to dinner and what time is our meeting in the morning?, all of which would be far more useful in my daily life.

Well, my friend’s twelve year old daughter brought this one phrase book over from Ireland, the AA Essential German phrase book from the UK (published 1997), and gleefully showed me page 32 while smirking and being delighted that she found something dirty to learn while visiting Germany. This phrase book decided to feature a section they call, Chatting Someone Up. First of all, I’d like to note that unless you have great German skills, are good friends with a German, or feel like risking your life on any given day, you don’t just walk up to any old German and start chatting them up. The phrase “chatting them up” probably annoys them.

Honestly. Ich liebe mein freunds von das Valterland, but there is a formality in the area I live in that I despise, though I suppose it might have to do with my complete disregard for formality in any circumstance. Really, though, I can barely say hello and ask how any of the older women are in my town without getting hissed at. Or they just ignore me, which is fine because I don’t like most of them either. And also, I DO NOT LIKE TO BE HISSED AT. Just noting.

So, here is the entire progression of a CHATTING UP conversation that this book feels you might need in your travels or daily life in Germany. I will even add the German translation for you so I can practice. Just ignore me when I don’t have the fancy, squiggly S letter or any of the fancy dots. My laptop is American, obviously, and figuring out something on that level would make my head explode.

Here we go. Pretend you’re meeting someone at a bar and the following happens:

I like being with you. Ich bin gern mit dir zusammen.
I’ve missed you so much. Ich habe disch so vermisst.
I dreamt about you. Ich habe von dir getraumt.
I think about you all day. Ich muss den ganzen Tag an dich denken.
You have such a sweet smile. Du lachelst so suss.
You have such beautiful eyes. Du hast so shone Augen.
I’m in love with you. Ich habe mich in dich verleibt
I’m in love with you too. Ich mich auch in dich.
I love you. Ich liebe dich.
I love you too. Ich dich auch.
I don’t feel as strong about you. Ich empfinde nicht dasselbe fur dich.
I already have a boyfriend. Ich habe schon enen freund.
I’m not ready for that. Ich bin noch nichtso weit.
This is going too fast for me. Es geht mir biel zu schnell.
Take your hands off me. Ruhr mich nicht an
Okay, no problem. Ok, kein problem.
Will you stay with me tonight? Bleibst du heute nacht bei mir?
I’d like to go to bed with you. Ich mostemit dir schlafen.
Only if we use a condom. Nur mit Praservativ.
We have to be careful about AIDS. Wir mussen vorsichtig sein wegen AIDS
That’s what they all say. Das segen alle.
We shouldn’t take any risks. Wir wollen lieber kein risko eingehen.
Do you have a condom? Hast du ein Praservativ?
No? In that case, we don’t do it. Nein? Dann machen wir’s nicht.

Few thoughts about this quaint little conversation that delights me to no end.

First, these people are aggressive. They are also a bunch of wackjobs, going from loving each other to get your hands off me to that’s what they all say about AIDS to forget it, I’m not sleeping with you. Umm, THAT’S WHAT THEY ALL SAY? Haahaha. I love that line. Das segen alle is how I’m going to respond to everyone that talks to me now.

Second, I have eaten many preservatives in my life but none and I do mean none, were in the form of a condom. Condom is a preservative in Germany? Consider it my new favorite word.

And wow. I swear, if anyone has carried on such conversation during happy hour, please send me a message immediately so I can congratulate you on moving swiftly and bluntly through all the stages of an emotional and sexual conversation in one swoop.

Chatting up Germans, indeed.

More than you needed to know….

I’m traveling home from Italy today so before I set off, I thought I’d leave you with Deep Thoughts to read today. Also, I didn’t want anyone to think I forgot Sandy’s questions from two weeks ago. She spent time thinking of hilarious ways to give you more insight into ALL THINGS HEATHER, and so here are the answers.

1. Which disorder would you most enjoy? There are so many to choose from, be selective, you can have only one. After some deep thinking and researching, I’ve decided I most enjoy Foreign Accent Syndrome, better known as what happens to be when I get drunk. It happens rarely, but when it does, I can either be English, Aussie, Irish or from Boston. What I would give to wake up with a French accent or maybe Chinese would be exotic. How fancy. Feel free to read about it here and note that a Croatian woke up from a coma being fluent in German. I need to get myself in and out of a coma STAT.

2. If you knew you would be stuck on a deserted island for a year, what would be your favorite color? Green. Green is always my favorite color, whether I’m stuck on a deserted island for a year or a day, I’m sticking with green. More specifically, mossy green. Not emerald green or neon or forest. Muted and grayish green. Unless vodka has suddenly become a color and then I’d choose that instead.

3. Everyone wishes to be extraordinary from time to time. What superpower would choose to have on those special days?
I’d like to be able to silence stupid people with my eyes. The minute I hear something come out of their mouth that I hate, I give the evil eye and they immediately stop talking. Or if you’re an asshole and I do that, your face melts. Or if you’re a stuffy bitch and I do that, your face freezes. I actually think I practice this daily. On really special days, I’d be able to shape shift. Shooting fire out of my fingertips for no real reason would also be fun.

4. If you had to choose among drinking a stranger’s urine, kicking a puppy or pretending to be nice to someone you despise, which would you prefer? Tough one. While I hate playing nice with people I despise, I technically do it every day. I don’t subscribe to kicking puppies and I met this girl once that had to drink her own urine because she was being tortured in the Middle East somewhere and I found that fascinating but she said it wasn’t all that bad so I’m not sure now if it is or not. Actually, we are talking about a stranger’s urine, aren’t we? I can’t do that. You don’t know what they’re eating or drinking or if they have really strong urine or if they drink too much coffee or eat too much protein and ugh, now I’m grossed out. No, never mind. I’ll be nice to someone I despise.

5. I have read several references to coffee in your blog. Have you ever put cream, sugar or heroin in your coffee? Yes or no.
No, but I had to sit and think if there was anything close I might have put in. A few days ago I put Baileys and vodka in my coffee. I’ve also tried whiskey and one day in a time of need I think I said screw it and gave Armenian cognac a try and don’t do that, it’s not good.

6. With which one of these delusions do you most closely associate and why?
Fregoli delusion: a disorder in which a person holds a delusional belief that different people are in fact a single person who changes appearance or is in disguise.
Reduplicative paramnesia: the delusional belief that a place or location has been duplicated, existing in two or more places simultaneously, or that it has been ‘relocated’ to another site.
Capgrass delusion: causes the sufferer to believe that a close acquaintance, generally a spouse or some other family member, has been replaced by someone who carries the same exact looks.
While I personally associate most with persecutory delusion, mostly because I tend to believe that people are always following me or trying to poison me, and I do suffer from erotomania, BECKS STOP CALLING ME, it’s clear that having the capgrass delusion would be super fun. Can you imagine if your spouse comes home one day and you act all, UMMM, who are you and what have you done with my lover? That would be a great way to mess with someone you love for 24 hours. Then I’d get bored and I’d just go back to having my normal delusions. This reminds me that more than once I’ve daydreamed that if I was ever in an accident or maybe just one day when I wake up normally, I’m going to pretend I have complete amnesia and see how it goes. That’d be some real Days of Our Lives shit. Yes, I really think these things.

7. Word association, please. I’ll take your word that you put the first thing that came to your mind

a. Doner: Turks
b. Rumpelstiltskin: foreskin
c. Excersize
: ha
d. Gag Ball: gimp

e. Kazakhstan: tracksuit

In case you ever wondered where I stood on any of the above.

Vacation update from Italia

So I’m fresh off the cruise and stuck in Venice for 24 hours because I’m a moron and booked our flight back on the wrong day. Worse things have happened in life than being stuck in balmy Venice and so I am making the best of it, lying in the breeze, finally having internet to blog and catch up on life. I figure since I don’t have any vacation photos yet to show you, I’ll just give you an idea of what life was like on the cruise.

Friends we went with: 8
Number of days on vacation: 9
Number of countries visited: 3: Italy, Greece, Turkey
Times I offended one of my friends: None, which I am actually shocked by.
Times I offended a stranger: Probably a lot.
Pounds of bacon consumed at breakfast: 4, at least. And by 4 I mean 10.
Number of people we gave nicknames but never actually spoke to: (Mr. Universe, who we will discuss later, Honey Boo Boo, Honey Boo Boo 2 and 3, Mr. Universe Light, Justin Bieber, Orangina, The Romanian Tramp, Michael Bolton, The Russian Count and Heinz and Heidi, the German couple that never smiled.)
Number of servings of veal wellington I ate the first night while drunk: 3, with gravy. It was lovely.
Pounds I gained this week due to fat girl buffet eating: 9, at least. Very attractive.
Number of champagne bottles consumed in one day: 6
Number of times I stayed in due to near death sickness (of the flu kind, not the drunk kind): 1
Number of times I declared for no reason, “I’m going to tan until I look like a native”: 53, at least, and I do look like a little Indian, in case you’re wondering.
Number of pounds of salt water consumed: 6
Number of times a child assaulted me because they don’t understand space or privacy boundaries: 13
Number of times I threw up: 3. One was sushi related and two others due to body failure.
Number of times I thought to myself, “Cruises make you hate the human race”: 3 times daily
Number of times I had to purchase male boy short underwear to wear under my clothes due to fat leg chaffing: 1, in Turkey, because it’s fucking hot there and I have robust thighs apparently.
Number of times I had a near meltdown like a child because of the heat: 2 times daily while in Greece.
Number of people Amber and I stalked on the trip: 1. Mr. Universe, a very fit, 50-ish, silver fox Italian man with skin like caramel and a smile that makes you hot in the pants. Yes, it was aggressive stalking on our part.
Number of times we referred to Mr. Universe as though he was our joint boyfriend: 723
Number of times any of the guys thought our perverted behavior towards a stranger was remotely funny: 0
How big we think Mr. Universe is: 8 inches, easy. Green speedo. Thank you Europe. (there will be a picture update from the pool for anyone interested and ladies, you will be interested)
Number of naps: 9
Number of times I promised myself to get new hobbies and give up drinking for life when I get back: 93
Chances of that actually happening: 2%, if being generous
How much money spent: Enough that I won’t be looking at my account anytime soon.
How much fun I had: A lot. A lot, a lot, a lot. Good friends, good fun, sun and relaxing all week.

Whew, that should do it for now….I need a nap and some pizza. Ciao.

Questions only a true friend would ask

So I asked my friend Sandy, because she’s hysterical and on the same level of wrong as me, to send me a few potential questions for my new website’s FAQ section, if I decide to go with one. I figure no one wants to hear about my upbringing or my biggest inspiration in life or my deepest, darkest fears. No, you probably want to know more things that are ridiculous and wrong and make you wonder if it I’m actually, seriously, insane.

Well, I could just answer you on that last one but what fun would that be.

So. I’m sitting in a meeting room with 30 German soldiers in a work related meeting in Munich. I’m the only American, I’m the only girl and I’m the only person that only speaks English. Therefore, I am the most worthless person in the meeting (building) and also, I’m not getting much out of this portion of the meeting outside of pretty slides (all in German but at least colorful) and the luxury of practicing my German listening skills and playing a new game, How many words can you pick up besides ja genau in a German conversation. I max out at about two words per chat.

Progress, friends, progress.

So I decide to check my email because that would at least be productive and unfortunately, I open Sandy’s email in the middle of a riveting discussion on scenario planning, power supply shortages and tent purchases…at least I think that’s what they were discussing when I read this.

1. Which disorder would you most enjoy? There are so many to choose from, be selective, you can have only one.

2. If you knew you would be stuck on a deserted island for a year, what would be your favorite color?

3. Everyone wishes to be extraordinary from time to time. What superpower would choose to have on those special days?

4. If you had to choose among drinking a stranger’s urine, kicking a puppy or pretending to be nice to someone you despise, which would you prefer?

5. I have read several references to coffee in your blog. Have you ever put cream, sugar or heroin in your coffee? Yes or no.

6. With which one of these delusions do you most closely associate and why?
Fregoli delusion: a disorder in which a person holds a delusional belief that different people are in fact a single person who changes appearance or is in disguise.
Reduplicative paramnesia: the delusional belief that a place or location has been duplicated, existing in two or more places simultaneously, or that it has been ‘relocated’ to another site.
Capgrass delusion: causes the sufferer to believe that a close acquaintance, generally a spouse or some other family member, has been replaced by someone who carries the same exact looks.

7. Word association, please. I’ll take your word that you put the first thing that came to your mind
a. Doner
b. Rumpelstiltskin
c. Excersize
d. Gag Ball
e. Kazakhstan

So then I choked on my apfel schorle, and stared at the floor until I could convince myself not to laugh like a jackass in the middle of a meeting I was kindly invited to and shut down my email because I cannot control myself in public. Seriously, you have no idea how much effort controlling myself took.

And in case you were wondering, yes, I am accepting more questions of this similar nature. Have at it.