Two more countries…

I’m off on another trip around the world…this time to two new countries!

First stop this week

This week I’ll be in Slovakia and Lithuania–two countries I never imagined I’d be visiting. Can’t wait to show you all lots of pictures and let you know about the food, the drink and the people on this side of world!

And the second half of my week....

In the meantime, sit tight. I’m in full-on culture/spa/photography mode and won’t have much time to sit still. If you need me, I’m sure you know where to find me.

Have a great week!

Awww, Germany. You are SO cute.

Germany is the land of tube meats, bier and rules. I kid you not, if Germans did not have laws, they would all losetheirshit and heads would start exploding everywhere. I am not kidding. Ask anyone.

And not just any rules. Rules of a very important nature that will ensure world order is maintained and everyone can carry on as efficiently as possible. This is VERY important. Let’s view a few of my favorites:

Do not mow the lawn in your bathing suit on the weekends. Especially if you wear a bikini and you strategically make it as little as possible to avoid tan lines. And you wear sneakers so you don’t cut your toes off. I’m not 100% sure this is a law but I know it’s not socially acceptable because the women in my neighborhood hiss at me with an evil eye and all the children are put away in the house until I am done. Guess they aren’t interested in treating themselves to the vision that is me mowing the lawn half-naked. Oh.well.

If you run out of gas on the highway (autobahn) you will be fined. Don’t worry about the fact that you’re stranded on a road with no speed limit. They’ll ask you if you’re ok after they look at you like you’re a moron and give you a ticket.

No shopping on Sundays. Everything is closed. I don’t think this has much to do with Jesus as it does relaxation. I rarely even see anyone outside on Sundays. One of my German friends told me she naps all day with the windows closed. Weird.

Pillows are considered weapons and if you dare smack someone with one, you could be fined.

In the winter, if you get into an accident that is not your fault, but you do not have your snow tires on, it is automatically your fault and you will be fined.

Wearing colors other than gray or brown is illegal. (this may or may not be what I assume the law is based on my observations)

Giving the finger or flicking your chin while driving (or I’m sure walking) will get you a fine.

Quiet time is enforced between 1130-1400 every day and all day on Sundays. During quiet hours, under NO circumstances can you mow your lawn, have the music on, vacuum your floor, shout or hold a parade in your back yard by banging pots and pans together.

Children cannot scream or make noise during quiet hours, on Sundays and after 8pm. They will be kidnapped and shipped off if they do. Just kidding about the last part. Kind of. I actually don’t mind this law because I too want all screaming children to disappear. Well done, Germans. Well done.

Under no circumstances can you shower past 6pm on Sunday night. You better be clean by 5pm or forget about it.

Do not call anyone anything related to Mr. H. (not my Mr. H, the most evil of all evil, Mr. Tiny Mustache himself) If you do, you could be arrested and fined 5000,00 euro. (I’m not sure who runs around calling other people the H word but then again, being defensive about the past doesn’t seem like a valid reason to fine the fuck out of people.)

You shall not hang your clothes outside on Sundays. You better not run the washer, either.

If a chimney sweep bangs on your door and demands to clean your chimney, you have to let them. I’m sure I’d be fine with this, though you’d think they’d have enough work to do so that they don’t have to break down your door out of boredom.

It’s illegal to wash your car at your house. Don’t you fucking dare use that hose and bucket. You better drag your ass to the gas station where they can monitor the soap levels and be sure you don’t spill wax or chemicals or Armorall on the sidewalk.

Dogs will not bark and will not shit randomly on the grass. Even if they shit in your own yard, you had better clean it before a neighbor sees it. They shall NOT be subjected to viewing such nonsense from the windows that they are ALWAYS STARING OUT OF.

Dogs rank higher than Americans on the, Things Germans like, scale and so you will not, under any circumstance, leave a dog unattended at your house without a walk for more than three hours a day. I assume this means that under no circumstance will you hold a job for more than week. Unless you are German and then you will have three hours for lunch every day, Fridays and all of July and August off. Feel free to walk your dog then.

In the winter, all snow on the walkway in front of your house must be shoveled by 0700, even on the weekends. If you don’t shovel it, you will be fined. Also, if you go outside in the middle of a snow storm at 0800, you will be the last one out to shovel and everyone will look at you and wish death upon you. It is perfectly legal to shovel while drunk, for those of you that do not arrive home until almost 0700 on a weekend.

Grilling out is typically only acceptable once or twice a month AT MOST. Neighbors should be respectful of the amount and smell of the smoke bothering others. FIRST OF ALL, as someone who could grill out year round, calm down. The smell of the BBQ is one of the best smells on earth. And Christ. Burning charcoal isn’t the worst thing in the world.

Smiling. Totally illegal.

All weeds must be pulled out of your sidewalk and none can be sticking out of your fence. Germans do not like weeds tickling them as they walk by. And weeds are vile. Also, do not even think of killing them with Round-Up, or a weed killer. This is unacceptable. You can pour vinegar on them or hand pull them or blast the fuck out of them with a torch.

Normal colored hair dye. Fucking banned. Or maybe not. Maybe I just assume this because every woman over 40 has a weird, aggressive, magenta bob.

If you go away for the weekend and it snows anyway, even though YOU DIDN’T KNOW IT WAS GOING TO SNOW, you will have a ticket waiting for you.

All parties need to end at 10pm. All fun must be stopped. And, if this is a big bash, it can only be held 1-4 times a year, depending on how nice your neighbors are. I will note that I did just attend a block party that was half German/half American attendees and we all partied til 5am so THERE. It can be done if you join forces.

Apparently you cannot tune pianos at midnight. This would mean you can’t do it on a Sunday either. I’m not sure why you’d be tuning a piano at midnight, though, so I’m fine with this.

Shoes must be worn at all times. This rule is bullshit.

Purses are not allowed in libraries. True story, ask my friend Jlaw. Next thing I know, I’ll be told lipstick is against the law. Bullshit.

I think that is all I can think of for now. I’m sure once this is read, all my living in Germany friends will think of more and I will update accordingly.

By the way, not shocking but I break all of these rules monthly. Why? You know it.


Top Five Scariest Things in my Life

1. Snakes: I do not like things that slither. I do not stand behind any animal that has a tongue that forks. I don’t like the looks of their little heads and I don’t like how they swallow things whole and can detach their jaws. Never trust an animal that can unhinge a jaw.
2. Midgets: It’s the limb to head to body size proportion issue that gets me. And the stumpy fingers. And the voices. And maybe that I feel like it’s weird that adults wear clothes meant for three-year olds.
3. Clowns: Fuck clowns, seriously. Not one has ever made me laugh. And how am I not supposed to think you’re a pedophile when all you want to do is perform at the party of a child? I hate the make-up. I hate the outfits. I don’t care if your nose squeaks or how many of you can fit in a car and I DO NOT WANT A FUCKING HAT MADE FROM A BALLOON.
4. Male strippers: Gross. Just really gross. Greasy, oily, orange tanned, slick haired, ugly faced, gross. Also, jamming yourself in a pleather banana hammock and tossing your hips toward me does nothing for the jage. Also, get your chest waxed and stop shaving it with a razor. I would rather go *sexless for the rest of my life than be anywhere near a male stripper.
5. Birds.

Just kidding about the birds. I just added birds so that I could use my most favorite demotivational poster ever. If this doesn’t make you laugh every time you look it, I don’t know what will.

**The part about being sexless was a total lie used only to express my extreme hatred for male strippers.

***The rambling in this post was only written so I could post my most favorite demotivational poster ever.

Chilly Mondays and playlist updates

Today I’m super busy with a big meeting and prepping for a trip next week but I’ve been doing pretty well in keeping up with the posts so I thought I’d keep it going…

It’s chilly and overcast here today in the Stu which means it’ll probably rain again this evening. Sooo, what better day to do a music post? Dreary weather always gets me in the mood for a night in the sweats, the windows open, some tea, a little office time and a great playlist. I was going over a few of my most recent new favorites–most not new in general, just new to me. In case anyone needs a playlist update or something to listen to on a rainy day…

***And for the record, no, I’m not seasonally depressed. I’m on a So You Think You Can Dance music kick, if you MUST know. Plus, today I’m tired of writing about tits and ass. Enjoy.

Damien Rice, Prague

Priscilla Ahn, Dream

Adele, Make You Feel My Love

PS, yes I know this is a Dylan song but Adele is my girl.

Joshua Radin, The Fear You Won’t Fall

Bonnie Pointer, Heaven Must Have Sent You

(just in case at this point you needed a pick-me-up)

Happy 60th Anniversary, The Catcher in the Rye!!

I just read somewhere that today is The Catcher in the Rye’s big day. Wooooo.

The Catcher in the Rye is my MOST favorite book. What I would have given to have met J.D. Salinger. Which reminds me, one day I have to find an old, signed, RED COVER book. There are a few different covers but the red is my favorite. No idea why. And, I lost my red copy years ago and the copy I have now, the one with the horse on it, is very fucking annoying for some reason. No idea why book covers set me off.

What doesn’t set me off is this blog. As a tribute to the book today, this blog lists all Catcher in the Rye related songs, most I’ve never heard of, and as I read it, I felt like I was reading the words of John Cusack from High Fidelity, which FYI is in my top five movie pics of all time. I heart John Cusack and in related news, fucking hate his sister. Anyramblingonway, check out the songs. Pretty great list.

Another thing that doesn’t set me off is charity. This writer is donating all his proceeds from selling his essay “The Real Holden Caulfield” to the Wounded Warrior Project. If you’re into giving and reading, check it out. If not, your soul is probably black.

Lastly, I love this interview, which I guess is the last Salinger did before he died.

Here’s to really, really great books….

**Update. I googled, “signed copy of The Catcher in the Rye” and found they sell anywhere from 22k-55k. Whatinthefuck. Now I’m on a mission to find one myself. Damn I hate it when the world makes it hard on me to get what I want.

Ask Heather: Topless Text Edition

I have given up on what day of the week the Ask Heather is going to take place on. I can’t handle it. I’m too chaotic and deadlines stress me the fuck out. So, you’ll have to read it when I write it and like it and that’s the way it’s going to be. My apologies.

Here is the question I meant to answer two weeks ago. FYI, it’s from a girl, so this week will be a bit different from the last few weeks…

Dear H,
This guy I’m seeing asked me to send him naked pics of myself. Since we’re long distance, I’m considering doing it. I have a few questions… why does he want them, what should I send, will this make me a whore and should I ask for some in return?
(Almost) Topless in Europe

Ooooh, goodie. I love questions about being topless. Let’s do this. I’ll answer your questions in order.

1. Why does he want them?
Three reasons, depending on who he is.
A. This applies to any guy ever asking for naked pics…He wants it to jerk off to. No exceptions. This is 100% true of every person with a penis on earth and if they say otherwise, they are fucking liars. Now, I don’t quite get how a still shot, photo or magazine or whatever, does the trick. I’ve always been partial to action shots like movies or Penthouse letters (that shit is great) or fake porn I create in my own head but guys are pretty simple and so are photos. I think that’s the logic.
B. They want to show their friends. This will prove they are at least talking to someone who likes to get naked and will give them something to talk about at the pub on Friday. I am positive whatever they tell said friends about you will be an exaggeration but that’s to be expected. Since you have to prepare to have this picture be seen by others, you better make sure you look good, which we will discuss shortly. And if they say aren’t going to show their friends, they’re probably lying. Just the other day my husband told me some guy showed him a video of some girl doing The Bad stuff to him. Remember that.
C. One day, when shit goes wrong, he is going to put your naked ass all over the internet and then call you a skank and an ugly whore. If you send naked pics, I would try to end a relationship nicely, for your sake.

Now. What should you send? Hmmmm….

I’ve mentioned to a couple of guys that this is going to be a post because it’s an actual true story about one of my friends and she tried to take the pictures herself, WHICH I FOUND IN HER PHONE, and I was all, OHMYGOD what are you DOING? She, I think, was drunk off The Wine when she tried taking them of herself so she was like, Ummm, taking naked pictures of myself which led me to shriek, OHMYGODISTHATYOURJAGE???? and so let’s just say we had to have a talk and I am going to be taking the next round of photos of her to send because it is easier to have a buddy do this for you, and more flattering, unless you’re just looking for tit shots, which I assume one can manage themselves. But anyway.

I think tit shots are best. I think most guys would agree that they don’t need an up close shot of your goodies (I do not want a picture of anyone’s axe wound in my phone, as one friend so kindly put it) because jage is not even attractive. Furthermore, if they do want pics up close and personal of your pretty taco, they probably want something going on, like diddling with your hands or toys or something pornographic that I’m sure you’ll feel awkward doing with one hand and taking a pic with another. And for the record, I don’t mind helping a friend with photos of the nudie variety but I’m not doing it if she’s looking at me smiling and is knuckle deep. No thanks, all set. So, moral of story is I think you can stay away from the vagina pics.

BUT REALLY. If you decide to go all Jenna Jameson on us and toss your jage in the shot, make sure you fucking shave and don’t act like a rookie hippie and leaving a crazy mess down there. These photos need to be better than your senior pictures for the love of God.

Also, I think you can leave your ass out of it, but if you want to toss that in, make sure your ass is somewhat decent looking and maybe bend over something. I’ve never met a man who doesn’t like a girl bent over.

Back to the tits. So. Please lotion yourself up first so you’re not all dry skinned and your nipples must be perky. No one needs to go into this with soft saucers so if you aren’t all excited yourself, give them a twist. Soft nipples are not hot. If you could take the photo after getting out of the shower, I assume that would be a bonus because you’ll be wet and everyone loves a nice shot of wet, naked bits.

I think your best bet is the on the bed, on your knees, wearing nice skivs, topless, hair a bit of a mess photo. And maybe make a pouting face. Guys love that stuff. But let’s be honest, exposed nipple and a thong will do the trick every time.

Next question. Are you a whore or skank for doing this?

Well, you’re obviously a bit crazy and somewhat skanky because 100% respectable girls are not going to text a tit shot to anyone. But also, those girls are boring and give bad head too so no one really wants to be 100% respectable, now do they?
Besides, naked pictures are exciting. They spice stuff up. So, if that makes you a whore, so be it. At least you’re an exciting, topless, kinda crazy whore with great photo skills. Could be worse.

Should you ask for one back?

Well, there’s yes and then there’s no. Yes, so you can then email it to yourself and save it so if he ever fucks you over, you have a picture of his dick to do what you please with. Especially if he’s hooked or odd-looking or not as big as you claimed when dating. Then when you go through a bad break-up, you can host a wine night and show all your friends and you can have a good laugh/cry about your ex with the fucked up dick.

But no. Let’s be honest. No one needs a picture of cock and balls in their phone or in their email. As magical as they feel in the jage, no dick is wicked easy on the eyes. I mean they’re fine and all but it’s not like looking at a unicorn or a firework show. So thanks but no thanks, maybe just send a topless pic of you sweating or tanning or walking out of the ocean dripping wet.

And those are my inappropriate thoughts of the day on swapping naked pics.

Oh wait. VERY IMPORTANT. If you send one, you’ll have to send a million. Remember that. It’s like giving a kid a lollipop and then telling him no more sugar will be consumed ever again in life. Meltdowns will ensue. Good luck.

Hope this helps!

Why my house decorations are better than yours

So, if you recall, Chris thought it was a brilliant idea for our take away from Denver, our memento from Al’s wedding, for it to be a ridiculously large bull on top of a weathervane.

Well, I only saw it sitting on a counter at a souvenir shop. I didn’t see it put together, which it is now. It’s also sitting in my living room, directly across from the couches and by the TV.

It’s also 4 feet and eleven inches tall. I know this because I am only an inch taller and I’m five foot even. Also, the horns come at eye level, which we realized when Chris said we might have to raise it in case I accidentally run into it one day and take an eye out. I’m not quite sure why I’d be running at the bull face first, but then again, stranger things have happened.

So here’s the glorious bull.

Don't be jealous.

This thing is going to set the Germans right off. We can’t put it on the house because we don’t own it. We can’t put it in the yard because they’d call the police. And so it will remain in the living room, in the windows, for all the nosey neighbors to see.

And at Christmastime, we will string him up in white lights. For the rest of the summer, his horns will be used as my bathing suit drying station. You can’t just show up at my house and not be all multi-purpose, even if you are a copper bull. So. All in all, I guess he’s a good purchase.

And if nothing else, he’s just ridiculous and fun.

Best Children’s Book Ever

Today is my first day back in Germany and I’ve only been off the plane 7 hours or so. Nothing too exciting happened, except that I took more than one sleeping pill just to be sure I slept, which I did, but then I could barely drag myself off the plane once I arrived home. And, I think I horrified the kids that sat next to me as I drooled all over the damned window. Oh well, I’m a sound sleeper.

Since I can barely keep my eyes open today and I’m swamped with 350 emails to answer AND I have to write a Wednesday’s Ask Heather, I am just going to let you all know today that I found the world’s best gift ever to give a friend that’s about to shoot a mini them out of their jage OR for a baby shower OR if you collect kid’s books. This one is AMAZING. I laughed out loud reading it in the airport yesterday, even though each page was predictable.

Author is a genius.

Seriously, why the fuck don’t I think of these things first? Writing a book where each page ends begging, PLEASE GO THE FUCK TO SLEEP??? Are you serious. That is awesome. Go buy it and while you’re at it, write Adam Mansbach a letter telling him he’s a riot. I’m going to.

PS-for any of my friends with womb dwellers, surprise ruined. This is what you’re getting in the mail. You’re welcome.

Me, airport fail

Off to cross the ocean and head back to normal life in Germany. When I get home, I’ll be sure to upload the pics of wedding week in Maine and throw in a few stories and even type out my Maid of Honor speech. In the meantime, let’s just hope we don’t face this.

Typical airport behavior, except I have eyeballs.

See you all on the other side!

Sisters at Nubble, the Obligatory Annual Pic

I’m not sure how much more I’ll be able to write this week with all the wedding stuff, but at the very least, I wanted to post a pic of me and Keeks, during her wedding week, enjoying the sun, the ocean and all that is Maine.

This is our yearly lighthouse shot

I hope to be able to post more pics of Maine/wedding week/the beach/family stuff soon. It’s been a really great trip home and it’s flying by way too quickly. And this time? This time I know I’ll be sad to leave.

Ahhh, Maine. So simple and so perfect and so easily taken for granted. **Sigh.