Fishnets: Not just for sluts?

I’m not sure if I’m either living in a different world or if today is opposite day but I just walked down the hall to get a soda and on my way back, passed an older looking gentleman from the Navy, in uniform, that smiled and said hello when he passed.

Just after I passed him, having said hello and how are you back, I kept walking until I heard him stop and say,

“Excuse me. I just have to say something.” I stopped, and quickly wondered what was coming next.

“Sure.” I offered, not sure I wanted to hear what unsolicited advice or commentary was about to come next.

“Can I just tell you how nice it is to see a lady walk around without holes in her stockings?”

I stared at him blankly, wondering if he was fucking with me.

“Girls these days walk around with holes in their nylons. Holes everywhere. Big holes.”
He stuck his finger in his mouth like he was going to shove it down his throat and made a gagging noise. He was in his 60s I’d guess, though I’ve never been a whiz on guessing ages, and I wondered if he knew that was not the universal sign for gross anymore.

I also wondered if I should tell him I was wearing tights, not nylons, because I hate nylons and their judgy and restrictive elastic waist unforgiving bullshit bands and their shine and while I am still on good terms with tights when the weather calls for it, nylons and I are not friends nor will we ever be friends. Ever.

“Oh, you mean really young girls. Like high school. I think they think that’s fashion,” I offered. Ripped nylons to me has nothing meant more than clumsy execution, though I know to guys it means rough and rapey Eastern European porno sex.

Seriously. Guys see ripped nylons, or maybe fishnets, and instantly think they’re going to screw some girl named Svetlana who wears fur and red lipstick and resides in Belgrade. I swear to God, men are too predictable sometimes.

I laughed about the irony of the situation I was in and said, “I think those girls don’t realize that as we get older,” I could hear myself relating to a middle aged man which means I am getting old and judgy, “we relate ripped nylons to prostitutes, not fashion.”

Jesus, did I really just have to refer to whores in a one minute conversation that I think was meant only to compliment me?

“You are right. In any case, it’s nice to see someone dressed appropriately.” And with that, he walked off.

I waited until he rounded the corner to look down at myself, just in case the tights I pulled on this morning had magically changed somewhere between my desk and the soda machine down the hall.

No one or two holes. Like a hundred of them.

Nope. Didn’t change.

God. I am so confused.

Special report: My newest brilliant idea

So, when I get too much time on my hands, I come up with things to do to keep me busy. And so, lucky all of you, I have a new idea and though I won’t be able to start til June, I have decided:

To have a weekly YouTube show that I post on the weekends on my blog. Just once a week, though. I don’t have enough time to tape shows, write, work and act ridiculous in Europe.

And so yes, once a week, my friends and I have decided the following:
1. We will set up my office as a set and the spare bedroom will obviously be hair and makeup.

2. We are allowed to wear whatever we want during the show taping, no one has to match and the most popular items suggested in our brainstorming session last night were: wigs, fishnets, but only ripped ones, lipstick that’s either cotton candy or red, corsets, hats, glasses, red heels, and obviously Hooters gear.

Red lipstick. Our new black.

3. We will be drinking wine the entire taping. If we decide to make a Friday evening taping, we can drink gin or tequila.

4. My guests will be my friends.

Me and some of my special guests

So far I have Caroline lined up to teach people the worm, Sun will do a spot on teaching dirty Korean words, Kathy is going to do a, “How to apply red lipstick while drunk/how to make a great spicy, hamburg con queso” double feature and Tracy and the Kokes haven’t quite informed me of their desired guest spot topics but they can get them to me this week.

5. I will also be skyping in my international friends on my laptop and interviewing them over the live feed, which is going to be great. I imagine I will interview Billy Fagan first, to really kick things off, but then again, that could just shut this whole show down immediately. We’ll see. I may also have my sister tape a spot from Maine so we can go live to my family, who I promise, never disappoint.

6. There are tracks to be made to play in the background. Baby Got Back, Pour Some Sugar on Me, Ice, Ice Baby and Doin’ It, will probably be regular go-to songs in moments of awkward silence or scene shifting. Or dancing. We’ve discussed the amount of random dancing that will be busted out for no reason. It’ll be great. I’ll finally be able to bust out the surfer dance live, for all the world to see. In case you want a preview of that little gem, here is a vision from Friday night. It’s almost impossible for me to behave more attractively in public.

Who cares what the rest of Fest is doing? I'm caught up in my sweet dance moves.

7. I will probably take a few guest calls, depending on my mood. This might just actually turn into the one-minute spot where I make one of my British (or Australian) friends skype in a read us the dictionary for a minute. Because that is totally worth it and not weird at all. I don’t have any Aussie friends, though, so let me know if you any of you have one. Oh, and only guys because I’m not listening to some British bird yap for a minute.

8. Caroline is only allowed to wear a turban if she is giving the World News, which I told her was the only way we could wear turbans and seem rational about it. She said fine, if I write the news. And by write, I will just print something off the internet, most likely off The Onion, which is far less depressing than the real news.

9. I will 98% start interviewing Germans about their ridiculous behavior and laws. Like the one where you’re not allowed to shower on a Sunday after 7pm, like that’s any of their fucking business. Or I could interview the new hairdresser I had yesterday, who was a gay man, German and deaf. Try to listen to that fucking accent for three hours while trapped in a salon chair.

10. The show is just going to be a live version of my blog. Me, talking about insane shit at my house w guests and costumes. It’s already set to be a shitshow because I don’t even know how to edit videos so every one posted will just be exactly as how we taped it, which is probably going to be more entertaining to watch than anything. I’m totally shooting for across between the Jon Stewart Show, Chelsea Lately, SNL and The Ellen Show—but more badass, because it’ll star me.

So, while I sit around in sweats today in the rain watching chick flicks, I’m going to brainstorm about guest topics and interview questions and make lists of the things I feel will be important to cover, live from my study in Steinenbronn. Suggestions welcome and please let me know if you’d like to be a guest on the show this summer. The more ridiculous, the better.

Top Ten Beverages

My next collector of dust.

I’m maxing out on the relaxation today and can only bring my myself to write about juice and juice-like beverages that do not qualify as soda or dairy.  My desire to discuss juice  is primarily because I spent all morning drinking suck ass crystal light and the hated water until I couldn’t stand it anymore.  The black Riesling girls lunch we had yesterday set me back into a world of sand in mouth and I sat around for hours trying to convince Moxie to get in the damned car and buy me some juice.  No such luck.  And so, when I was borderline dying, I drove to the store and made my Mr. H rate his favorite juices and then argued about why he was wrong and why my juices were better.   So here’s what I came up with.

Framboise. Obviously.  Speaking of, my friend Frederic is taking way too long shipping me juice from France.  Damn him.

Gatorade in either orange, yellow or fruit punch.  Yellow I think being lemon lime, but I can’t be 100% sure.

V8 Splash, Tropical.  I will never, EVER be bothered with drinking the original V8.  You would have to tie me to something and force it down my throat and I would still fight you.  God I hate that stuff.  The smell makes my skin itch. 

Apple, on ice.  I’m very particular about this. I also prefer to drink apple juice at top speed, which then leads to illness.  Still makes the list, though.

Orange pineapple, Tropicana, no pulp.  I hate pulp. 

Ecto Cooler.  Like I would ever leave that off the list.

Orangina, which is more juice than soda.  And the bubbles make it refreshing.

Pago Erdbeere, which I just discovered today and I LOVE.  It’s like a whole bunch of smashed up strawberries, but very ripe strawberries, minus the seeds.  I’m glad I’m never moving back to the States because we do not have these juices at home.

Cran grape.  Cran anything, actually.  Except just cranberry, because stand alone cran dries out my mouth and sends the jage into a tizzy thinking it’s UTI season.

Pineapple.  In small but delicious doses. 

My health would probably be much better if I loved fruit as much as I do love juice.  Which reminds me that I could rank my favorite fruits now, since I have nothing better to do.

1. Strawberries.  My most favorite.  Best when already sliced up.

2. Cherries.  I would love to know why they’re $6/pound here.  That makes no sense to me.

3. Pineapple

4. Blueberries

5. Tomatoes and avocados.  Two in one line because I’m not thrilled that they’re fruits.  I prefer these two to be considered vegetables but considering I have no legit reason, I will refrain from blabbing on and on about it. 

Fruits I do not enjoy are:

1. Apples.  Unless they are sliced and have salt on them which makes them tolerable.  

2. Melon.  I despise melon.

3. Dragon fruit.  While it looks pleasant and exotic, it’s stupid. 

In case anyone wondered, I am indifferent about bananas but very pro banana bread.  Furthermore, I’m now considering buying  a juicer, though I’ll use it once and get bored, but considering today is the start to my new health kick, it’s not like it’s going to make me more black on the insides.

But then again, I love milk and ginger ale more than any of the juices above so the smarter investment is in cases of Canada Dry.  Consider it done.

New house, new writing space

Yes, as I’ve been asked by a few people, I do have my very own office space at our new house. And while it’s taken me almost a month to make it into such, tonight I started and I am SO happy.

Office angle numero uno of new writing space

That’s the first look at the new office, before I got started. When it was all my stuff in piles, empty desk, shit everywhere and also filled with our old clothes and storage items which should just be trashed which I should also note were creating bad energy in my room. I am way too specific about what I allow in my room. Such as the husband and the dogs. They tried to come in and sit in the new chair I was given at Xmas from Santa and they were asked firmly to leave. Just because you buy me a chair does not mean you will trick me into letting you ever sit in my office. Please.Note.UGH. Now let’s take a second look.

Piles of creative magic collecting dust

And so, since today I had already cooked my homemade chili all day in the crock, there was no dinner to make, even though it was Try To Be Domestic Night and so I got to just kick around the office and make it look better. And it does. Much better. But not perfect because then I got tired and started watching this movie and then answered an email and now this and so we’ll give it another go tomorrow. BUT, here you go. The first run at setting up the office. Woo-fing-hooo. I feel SO.MUCH.BETTER. My space is BACK!!

Office with a side of Mox

Also, I want to note the first two pics I took with my blackberry because I was too lazy to find the camera and then the last pic I took with the iPhone so yeah, if anyone wants further proof that the blackberry is garbage in comparison to iHeaven, there you have it. And, wave at Moxie. When The Others (my Mr. H and his evil fox) weren’t looking, I let Moxie back in because 1. she knows the secret password and 2. she’s awesome. Another thing. To the right, do you see my NEW GLOBE? ALSO A FAVORITE CHRISTMAS GIFT. God I love that thing. I actually made my Mr. H steal it from a coworker who I doubt really appreciated it because they left it in his office and it had dust on it and the screw was loose and so even though this guy kept being all, NOYOURWIFECAN’THAVEIT, I was so insistent, WHYNOTHEDOESN’TEVENGETGLOBES and then one day it just walked right through my door (sometime Christmas week) and so even though Mr. H said the guy finally caved, I really bet he just took it for me. Swoon. So there you have it. My first attempt at putting together the office. I still have more to unpack and a few shelves to buy, which hopefully I’ll get to this weekend and repost.

About the movie I watched tonight. I’m never one to sit around and act like some Ebert off the streets but when I do see one worth getting all chatty about, I like to share. In the Loop. Never even heard of it until I saw the title come up on the screen but it’s a GREAT ONE. Apparently I’m obviously a year and a half late to the game on this one but I bet not TOO many of my American pals have seen it and this guy Malcolm Tucker. My hero. Anyway, lots of British banter and fancy accents and hysterical, dry comedy at its finest. The actors are amazing and really play fantastically well off each other and I giggled my way through the whole movie. I highly recommend.

And that’s all I’ve got for tonight. I’m pretty beat. Last night I only got 2 hours of sleep. Now it’s 11pm here and I’ve had myself quite the full day. Off to bed I go. Cheers.

Christmas wrap-up, 2010 edition

Christmas this year was fantastic and I feel really blessed to have so many great people in my life, most importantly my family, my husband and the good friends we’ve made here that are now are extended family in Europe.

Each contributed to making this year’s holiday celebration really, really special. After our friends left on Christmas Day, we layed around for about 36 hours straight, and somewhere between our third and ninth movie we went over how fantastic this year’s holiday was and how thoughtful (most) everyone was. Maybe it isn’t so bad when we make our own celebrations. A lot of things are missing from home, but we are starting to do a really great job of making our own new traditions.

Like our Christmas walk. Much like the days when my Dad would take us on long hikes in the snow to wear us out or burn off holiday calories, my Mr. H suggested we all head out for a walk in the forest after Christmas coffee and snack time. And so we did, primarily to check out just how much snow we really did get in the 24 hour Christmas winter snow extravaganza that we got on Christmas Eve into Christmas morning. (please take note of how awesome our furry hats are) I think from looking at the trees and my porch that we got somewhere between 8 and 12 inches, which has left the Germans in nothing but a crazy frenzy to keep those sidewalks clean. We of course declared a no shoveling holiday and so I’m sure we’re really popular on our street this week.

Now. What fun stuff did we get for Christmas? Well, too much to get into, really, but there are a few things I wanted to post.

1. I got my MAGIC PANTS from my Mr. H and I couldn’t be more excited. Magic pants, you may ask? Well, for normal people I think they’re called “Compression Tights” and that’s for when you’re using them to be athletic, which is kind of the point but we all know that’s not why I have them. So stupid story short, after drinking a bottle of wine some night at Thanksgiving I try on our friend Justin’s cycling pants and they are AMAZING. Granted, I was drunk and already somewhat limber but REALLY. All I want to do when I’m in these bad boys is just STRETCH. And kick my legs around. AND I can be caught squatting for no good reason and instead of walking around, I like to lunge in them. And so I told my Mr. H if he got me a pair for Christmas I would most likely be the most athletic wife he’s ever dreamed of having. (and I said I’d have to get some hiking boots to go with them but that was just a trick, reallY) So he gave me the, Pants don’t MAKE YOU athletic, Heather, look and I was all, Um yeah, did you just see me bang out 4 squats? That’s four more than you’ve ever witnessed before and so VIO-FUCKING-LA! I got me my magic pants. Magic because they make me athletic, which I am not. They are top gift number one, OBVIOUSLY. (*picture doesn’t represent my pants or my feelings about my pants or the level of stretching I can actually do that well. Will work to get another more accurate picture of me in my pants soon but at least you can see Moxie is in awe of my abilities, as you all would be)

2. Bucket List items. Traveling and seeing the world is technically why we’re here and so it’s really great when we put in the effort and find weekend getaways where we get to experience something new together. And so in the spirit of crossing more things off our bucket lists, we both ended up giving the other person a weekend away to do something we’ve always wanted to do. And so what are these weekends?

First, is the dog sledding weekend in Switzerland that I gave him, as he’s always wanted to go dog sledding and doing it in Switzerland seems pretty badass. And it’s Valentine’s Day weekend, which will make it even more fun and probably pretty romantic. Wooo hoooo. Apparently the deal is that you hike up a mountain with the dogs and then sled down, only to end your trip in a teepee eating fondue over an open fire with the host family and dogs. Sounds awesome, though they don’t speak English and so we’ll have to brush up on our dog related German. Should be interesting.

And for me? My Mr. H gave me a trip to go HOT AIR BALLOONING IN FRANCE this spring! How.fucking.exciting. AND, since I’ve never been to the Burgundy region, it’ll be like seeing a whole new France, which I’m so excited about. I REALLY love France and though this picture of where we’re going is small, are you KIDDING ME? Wow, it’s going to be a really fun spring.

I received a lot of other thoughtful, meaningful and fun gifts but I’ll have to update you on them later, maybe as I set up my new office, because that’s where most of the gifts now belong. And lucky me, it’s kind of slow at work between now and NYE so I should have plenty of time to get some household stuff done.

But there you have it. My mini-Christmas wrap-up. Hope you all had a fantastic and festive holiday with family and the ones you love! 🙂

Favorite Things, Christmas 23rd edition

As there are only TWO DAYS LEFT UNTIL CHRISTMAS, I thought I’d share a few more of my holiday favorite things.

Furry hats. I used to have three furry hats but I gave the one Katie’s wearing to her for Christmas because I can get myself another one in Armenia next month. So I’m back to two, which means in January I am going to work on a furry, most likely Eastern European, collection. They are fancy.

Festive German door decorations.
And yes, they do sell wreaths over here, which I would normally have picked, but we WON THIS WITH OUR COWBELL at the exciting German auction we accidentally attended in Garmisch. And it has all the elements–Christmas ornament, chocolate and sausages. Who needs a round wreath when you can have this number? Plus, if you get locked out of your house, you can eat most of it and sleep under the branches and you might not die. Win-win.

Old school ornaments. The type I was talking about yesterday, the ones that you buy every year and add to your collection which will one day you will pass on. Now. This one has always been one of my favorites. It was my Dad’s and it was on my very first tree, two months after I was born.


Christmas sleepovers! (NOT TO BE MISTAKEN WITH NASTY CUDDLE PARTIES) See, we invited a few of our friends that didn’t go back to the States to come spend the night at our house tomorrow night so we could all wake up on Christmas together. Sounds festive, right? I thought so.

Last year Christmas was a little lonely and a lot quiet without our families. We thought they were coming this year for Christmas, but since they didn’t, we still stayed and will celebrate it with friends instead! Otherwise, you realize that nothing changed from the night before when you went to bed. There’s no coffee waiting for you in the morning and nothing is in the oven. Stockings don’t look different and after a 15 minute present opening session, there’s not that much do with only 2 people except watch movies and do something with what you got for Christmas. Which I’m actually fine with, but to be able to have a few more people over is going to be fantastic. Here are the confirmed players for the festive Christmas 2-day extravaganza.

The Youns. Our favorite ninjas, mostly because they let me call them ninjas. That’s Steve Youn, fellow cyber crime fighter of terror and Ms. Koko, herder of small people extraordinaire. They came over the same time we did and are fantastic friends and travelmates. Steve has the best laugh (giggle) and thank god for Koko, our voice of reason….I love, love, love them both.

Ms. Caroline. My sweet, southern, partner in crime. She’s my go-to white wine drinking buddy and late-night you can find the two of us performing “We are the World” high atop people’s couches, entertainments systems, or maybe we’re just usually on the floor, wrestling, laughing or trying do to the worm. Seriously, our dance moves together are EPIC. She is so much fun to be around and I (we) love having her as a sidekick here in Germany.

The BRUISERS. Their real last name is Abruzere. They’re our favorite hicks from West Virginia. (they claim they’re from VA but that’s a lie) They are great fun to harass and love to give it right back to us, which we appreciate. Tracy is one of the world’s sweetest and selfless gals I’ve ever met and Damon is great fun to play games with since he typically loses. So far we’ve won his Livestrong bracelet (we had to take it. He lost at pool hahahah) AND his dignity, which he usually loses once a week at our house. Anyhoo, they are beyond loyal and always ready for anything and we love having them (and their two kids) in our lives.

So, there you have it. Today’s edition of my favorite holiday things.

Hope you’re having a festive week!

Scene making and meeting Lord Farquaad

I swear. There can never be a situation where I show up somewhere or meet someone and I just blend in and go unnoticed. In all fairness, I usually try to get some sort of attention most of the time. I enjoy meeting people and I just love entertaining and I don’t see the value in being boring so whatever. However. There is a time and a place to make a scene and yesterday was neither.

Last week we get an email telling us some VIP is going to be strolling through our building around 11am so make sure our doors look nice and be on call, which really just means either be ready to stand in the hall for an hour waiting for someone who usually doesn’t want to meet you OR carry about your business and don’t be a pain in the ass in the hall. And the door thing? We were in the middle of prepping the doors for the Christmas holiday door contest, something I will never understand or get behind (I know. I am no fun). Grown adults, wrapping their doors and discussing who gets to the be the elf and why don’t we have enough bows on the door? Good god.

SO ANYWAY. Yesterday we get an email that the VIP is the BIG BOSS, the biggest one I’ve ever had without having the luxury of meeting him, and that he is running late but he will be in the hall and to be ready at 11. Well, fancy that. Lucky me, I am wearing my grey turtleneck dress and pretty tights, my hair looks less nest-ish than usual and I am wearing lipstick. So actually I should say lucky for him.

Now. The BIG BOSS (who I will not name because I do not need to be fired) is kinda a big deal around here. And the world. He’s the (and this will be in code for again, the purposes of keeping my job) Bestest Working With People That Are Not Enemies Leader of the Continent I Live In. OFAWHOLECONTINENT. So he’s someone you’d like to meet and while doing so, not make a complete ass out of yourself.

And not smack with a door. Which I almost did.

So I was going to be ready for 11am but then The King, one of my coworkers, comes in and says he’s in the building and be out right now. Well, look. Now is not 11am which is what the email said and I had to blow my nose and finish an email and so I waited and then next thing I know my office is empty and I hear laughing in the halls and so I hurry on out and choose the middle door to bust out of, and like I’m some contestant on Let’s Make a Deal, I choose the wrong door.

As I fling open the door, I smack my girl NP in the back, sending her teetering forward, almost right smack into Lord Farquaad, which is who the BIG BOSS kinda looks like, and then I look up and he’s right there. Oh good god, why are we inches apart and why do I always pick the wrong door??? So he was just STANDING THERE RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME he scared me so I jumped, like I was totally caught off guard, even though I WAS heading out there to meet him.

“Well, hello there. Happy Holidays,” he says and sticks out his hand.
I gave him my best firm handshake and looked him right in the eye. Woulda made my Dad proud, as we hate people with dead fish handshakes. Means you can’t be trusted.

“Well, hello (insert his title), sir. This is a bit awkward. Er, I’m so sorry. It’s very nice to meet you.” I meant it. It was great to meet him but it wasn’t going exactly how I had planned in my head. Yes, I had already planned it in my head. We’d meet, he’d love my sunny disposition and fantastic sense of humor and before you could say promotion, I’d be in his fancy little headquarters office in no time. DELUUUUUUUUUUTIONAL, much? Why, yes.

Anyway, back to reality. Good god, everyone in my whole division was looking at me, most laughing, including the General and his COS. What.a.disaster.

“Oh, no problem. I was just getting ready to address the team.” and then he carried on, blabbity blah, shook a few more hands, wished everyone a happy holiday and he was off to spread more Official Holiday Cheer.

Then I got a hard time for almost taking out the most important person on base, for causing a scene, for being generally ridiculous. But then I was thanked for always making things interesting and keeping things light and for being memorable.


So, I win and I met him finally. Happy CE holidays to me.

**To anyone I work with or know through CE, if you forward this to anyone and name this person, AND GET ME FIRED, I will find you and it will not be pretty. Thank you.

Happy day to me!

I only have a few hours this morning to get a lot done and no time for writing to I’ll just keep this brief.

Two of my MOST FAVORITE people are about to arrive in Germany and I get to show them around and spend time with them for a week! I cannot express how excited I am.

1. They have NEVER been to Europe.
2. It’s Derek’s BIRTHDAY WEEK and I made him lots of chocolate cupcakes last night to celebrate.
3. I get to see some of my family at Christmastime!!
4. They are getting married next July and I get to help my sister with some planning face-to-face!

It’s going to be a great week and I can’t wait to post lots of pictures to show how much fun we’re having.

Hope you all have a very festive and relaxing weekend. 🙂

Tuesday randoms: likes/dislikes of the week

In case anyone cares, here are a few things that I’m crushing on this week, followed by a few things that can go to hell. Enjoy.

1. Junior Masterchef and KIDS THAT HUG. Since we don’t have TV at home (AFN is awful and I will not allow such nonsense to pollute my house), we download movies and TV shows of substance. (Lately: The Office, Master Chef of all varieties and Mad Men) Ok, for real. Junior Masterchef. These kids are between 8-12 and they are killing it in the kitchen. Two nights ago I watched them all cook an original recipe with duck off the top of their head and I was in.awe. I mean, seriously. Do you want to know what I made my husband for dinner last night??? (to follow) And the hugging part? God, these kids are adorable. This little girl Lucy (brown hair) hugs the blonde one every single time she gets excited, whether it be for herself or for her friends. Awww, that is just so.cute.

2. Um FISH STICKS. And not just any fish sticks. Introducing the ultimate in crunchy, white fish goodness, a fan-favorite in our house and WHAT I MADE MY HUSBAND FOR DINNER LAST NIGHT. Seriously, my Mr. H brought them home months ago and I am in luuuuv. Please take note: My love of fish sticks. Yet another reason (probably coupled with my chicken finger obsession) that I am going to be.a.great.mother. Word.

3. Dogs in drag. Seriously, I love browsing funny blogs in my down time. What is funnier than dogs in costume? Almost nothing. Check it out.

4. Air in can keyboard duster thing. Oh, you simple little pleasure. You light up my life and if only someone bought me a box of this stuff for Christmas, I would clean my keyboard with you every day. This would mean I could up my chip intake at my desk because CRUMBS? Who cares about crumbs when you can just blast that shit off two seconds after eating. This can of air makes me so.disturbingly.happy.

Things I could do without

1. Christmas cards. I think I might do one of those “Our 2010” tacky as shit family newsletters instead, which is probably the grossest thing I’ll ever do but easier and faster. That and I spent $36 dollars on 32 Christmas cards that are ugly because it’s all that was in English and who knows what the Germans are wishing on each other on their cards. Ugh. Christmas cards are stressful.

2. Americans living abroad that make me hate Americans and also force me to pretend I’m Canadian. First, we all know how I feel about Canada. Don’t make me pretend I’m Canadian. Please dear fuck. Now. Here is a very simple conversation I had the other day with someone at work that brought me to this.

Him: “What’s up with the German pizza here?”
Me: “Considering the German pizza is made by either Italians or Turks, I have no idea what you’re talking about. It’s fine.”
Him: “It’s not good. It’s weird.” I’m getting annoyed because all he does is talk nonsense and it pisses me off.
Me: “What does that even mean? Pizza is pizza.”
Him: “Well…it’s not Dominos. It’s foreign pizza.”

Holy fuck. All pizza is foreign. And he said, “it’s not Dominos.” I hate his type of American behavior. It makes me want to smack my face off my desk. So.Embarassing.

3. Purple-haired, insane, slimy as fuck landlords. The nasty Trunchbull is at it again. Today I’m informed she’s suing us for 10,000 euro which is like 8 million pots of gold over here. Now, seriously. I am well beyond LOSEMYSHIT. I am in stages 2 and 3 of the Heather meltdown series which means I’m now at levels “Sedate by Pino” and “Deep breathing to avoid breaking EVERYTHING IN MY PATH.” Seriously. GETMESOMEMOREMOTHERFUCKINGVINO.

And lastly, 4. Another Christmas where everyone forgot how the post office works and how far Germany is from the states. WICKED.DISAPPOINTING.

Compromise: Paying someone to blow your husband

Marriage is like having a second fucking job. Who the hell knew it was as much work as all of your miserably married friends warned you about as you prepared to walk down the aisle. I didn’t believe a word they said. I laughed in their faces and mocked them behind their backs. Marriage? Work? Not for us. We’re too good for that.

Wrong, wrong, why am I always so fucking wrong.

I can just (uncharacteristically) losemyshit now over pretty much anything these days. Like this morning before 830, I stomped my foot because I dropped a package my Mr. H handed to me, primarily because it is always more fun to blame. As I picked it up from the snow I hissed, You could be a little more CAREFUL when handing me things. He asked me what my problem was, not even wanting an answer and then walked off, obviously not in the mood to entertain a tantrum in the snow, in 8 degree weather on a Friday. FINE.

I’m not sure if it has to do with the fact that my hormones are OFFTHECHARTS lately or if it’s my pent-up aggression from that nasty bitch troll landlord that owes us 6000 euro which is like 9 trillion USD or if it’s that we’ve been hit by 30 inches of snow in two days and I HATE IT or if it’s because I’ve been losing iron straight out of my legs now for um 36fuckingdays straight. Either way, I’m just out of control lately and there’s no reason not to just let you all know what a delight I’m being…send your condolences to my husband. He needs all the support he can get.

Now. In admitting all this, I will also say that I have found it amusing how some of our conversations have changed since we’ve been married. Now keep in mind, we’ve probably never had typical husband/wife chats to begin with, but I certainly think we have some good ones. Here is a conversation we had this week over dinner.

“So I’m going to call S&K’s masseuse. The one that comes to their house. Should I book you a rub too?” I’m really dying for a massage lately.

“A rub and tug?” He seems more interested with his version.

No. (sigh and not because he wants a jerk but because I WANT TO BOOK THIS NOW and he’s stalling me) Do you want a 60 minute back rub or shall I take your time too?” I love to be rubbed down by strangers and he knows it.

“You know I don’t want one.” He is so bizarre. He does not want a stranger, female or not, anywhere near his naked backside, rubbing him down with oils and such. I don’t get it. He claims it’s uncomfortable and just weird. And yes, I’ve already asked if he’s just afraid of getting a chub while getting said stranger given rub down and he gave me a look. No, he had said. I’m not. Firmly. I bet he was. Anyway, back to the conversation.

“I bet you’d let her give you a blow job, though. You wouldn’t think paying a stranger to come into our house to do that would be odd, would you?”

“No, I wouldn’t. Does she give blow jobs?” He is merely baiting me.

“I’m not sure, I’ll check. Then you can have your blow job and then take a nap while she rubs me down. And in that case I’m getting more than 60 minutes for a massage.”

“Fine. You get out of a blow job and you get a massage. Win-win.” He was right. That was a win-win for me.

We high-fived and finished our dinner, chatting about something else.

So. Today’s lesson is this: I guess if you’re good at compromise, maybe marriage isn’t such hard work. Even if compromise means paying someone to blow your husband so you can get a massage.