I have never supported the idea of Lent and after reading up today on what exactly the purpose of Lent is, I have decided it’s just as bullshit as the Easter Bunny who is ridiculous and equally as bullshit as Jesus, who I will refrain from talking shit about today but REALLY. You die for me, I give up things for you for 40 days, blabbity blah, everyone wears a hat to church 5 Sundays from now and then I come home to find chocolate in a basket left by an oversized rabbit with pink fur. Woo. Sounds fun.
Just plain creepy.
That being said, I get really excited to celebrate any and every holiday, the only exception being Halloween, which is also bullshit, and so I feel like I need to get in the spirit of Lent. So. While drinking my coffee this morning, I thought hard about what I was willing to give up and I came up with a few things. Here they are.
1. Pants. 
My house is going to be a pants-free environment. I hate pants. I’m going to either only wear things of the pajama nature, or nothing.
2. Alarm clocks. Today I’m going to inform work that I am going to use only my internal clock for the next 40 days and I will be in to work after I wake up naturally. It’s best for everyone, really, because I’m a much nicer person if the sun wakes me up and not that fucking noise that makes me want to smash something. This does remind me, though, of this alarm clock I had in high school. It was a singing chicken. Whenever it went off, the chicken sang, Heeey baby wake up, come and dance with me…As he sang, he played the guitar. Kind of. This Lent item has nothing to do with him. (and holy shit! I FOUND HIM! BONUS)
3. Listening to my husband. I think I’m going to give this up permanently. Considering he’s NOT.THE.FUCKING.BOSS.OF.ME, he offers up an awful lot of useless chatter about what I do and don’t need. This Lent item is going to get its own bullets. That means it’s extra bullshit.
True story.
- Things he claims I don’t need: An Audi, because he wants another stupid jeep. My own car, because sharing a car is *fun. A speed bag, but I think he reconsidered when I said fine and started using his arm as one. Honey mustard dressing on my chicken fingers because he was on duty that night as the Fat Police.
- Things he thinks I do need: Suggestions on what I should be doing on the weekend (as opposed to day drinking on my back porch), meaning ridiculous things like, Why don’t you go for a walk? to which I respond, why don’t YOU go on a walk? Vitamins. Advice on how to cook, like he’s Tom fucking Colicchio. An attitude adjustment.
4. Black Riesling.
Will make you lose your dignity.
Having only encountered it once, I’m giving it up immediately. Either the Germans roofied me and three girlfriends, or that wine is like liquid acid. After drinking 5 (maybe 6 or 7, I have no idea) glasses of it during a girl’s lunch last weekend, I:
a. Lost my shoes
b. Became somewhat conversational in German.
c. Ate thai food that my Mr. H had bought for himself with my hands, like a goddamned animal.
d. Woke up with another skinned knee, which is really anyone’s guess.
5. Judging other people’s children.
You can pretend they're not, but inside, you do know when your own kid is ugly.
It’s somewhat of a hobby of mine and it’s a pretty great way to pass the time but I suppose it’s not fair for me to sit around thinking that your child is a. ugly b. special c. annoying d. just like you e. all of the above. I’m only giving this up, though, because I’m convinced that when the day comes that I pick up a child from the baby store, it’ll have red hair, a mousy face, one eye and it’ll drool until the age of 18 and stare at walls for fun. I believe what I just described is called KARMA so technically, I’m only giving this up for my benefit, not anyone elses.
So. There you have it. Those are the 5 things I’m giving up for Lent. Damn, I feel good.
The Heather Chronicles 