So I went to the dentist on Tuesday, because I was having lightning type pain in my face from last week and I waited five days to see him chewing on cloves and hoping I wouldn’t die. I swear to god my mouth has gone to shit and i went there expecting a root canal or a talking to, and yeah, i got all of the above.
After a panoramic X-ray, i was told I needed two more root canals and a surgery on my jaw for a bone infection gone wrong at the hands of another dentist, not entirely shocking but my current dentist told me his current recommendation had nothing to do with the pain I was still feeling on the right side of my mouth.
After yet another stimulating jaw massage, he informed me I was just over stressed again and need muscle relaxers, and did I have any? Like i’m some mother fucking pharmacy because NO, DO I LOOK LIKE I GET MUSCLE RELAXERS ON THE REGULAR? So I was prescribed some, told I’d be spending my entire November with him to fix my face and I was relieved to know I would not have to carve my own teeth out with a spoon to fix the pain I was feeling at bedtime.
Before I left his chair, I paused and thought to ask, hey wait, I’m feeling kind of bad about the lack of enamel on the back on my front teeth.
What are you talking about?, he asked, thinking I’m crazy again.
Well, I carried on, I feel like the back of my front teeth feel rough and I think it’s because i bred two kids in the past 3 years, that’s what I was told, right, that teeth go crazy in pregnancy and I feel like it’s weirdly rough so can you look and tell me what toothpaste to use?
He looked at my teeth and then looked at me and said, Do you drink a lot of orange juice in the morning and then brush your teeth directly after?
No, I said, Is that a thing? Because I drink coffee only in the morning and do not do that and did not know that was a thing in life.
Do you have an abnormal amount of reflux, then? Are you acid-y?, he asked, curiously.
No, no acid, I countered.
And then, thoughtfully, he gave me the once over, looked me up and down and said, and I quote, said flatly, “Well, you’re not anorexic.”
And that was the end of my appointment. My dentist, the one I pay 200 euro an hour to torture me, gave me the once over and reminded me that I have an inner tube tummy and mermaid legs, and that I am, and have never been, anorexic.
So there’s that. It’s going to be a long week.