The unforgotten notion of consent

While the response to my recent posts, first the one where I reacted to a recent rape of a community member, and then where I got belligerent about Donald Trump and Billy Bush promoting rape culture and the sexual assault of women, for the most part were outrageously supportive, but I did receive the sad and expected responses from men who thought my words and experience gave them the right to make fun of women, stand behind their decision to support the most vile Presidential candidate in American history, and not shockingly, question me as a woman and my own sexuality.


I’m only going to make this political to point out a few political and moronic reactions that were left on my page, but then I’m going to leave out Trump for the most part because my post wasn’t just political the other night, it wasn’t about me not voting for Trump and why I think you shouldn’t.  It was about sexual assault and rape culture and how the recent actions of a powerful man who wants to rule the world thinks it’s ok to treat me and everyone else with a pussy like a sex object for the taking.  But, I’ll try to ignore that for today to make a new point.


To be clear, what I’m not going to do is to continue to stand for mocking women, especially me, about the mistreatment of women, harassment and sexual assault, my sexual assault, and I’m definitely not going to let anyone, male or otherwise, suggest that my sexual assault, or the treatment of me and women in general, is something that can be based on what I choose to do in the bedroom, how I dress, what I look like, or what my perceived behavior may be.

I think we need to take a minute to define a few things.


Sexual assault: illegal sexual contact that usually involves force upon a person without consent or is inflicted upon a person who is incapable of giving consent (as because of age or physical or mental incapacity) or who places the assailant (as a doctor) in a position of trust or authority

Sexual harassment: uninvited and unwelcome verbal or physical behavior of a sexual nature especially by a person in authority toward a subordinate


Slut: a promiscuous woman (which for the record, I’m blaming Websters for generalizing this to women only)


Now that we’re straight on a few of the recent buzz phrases being tossed around the internet and the news, I’d like to go over two disheartening responses I received to my recent writing, because this will set the stage for what I’m about to get into.


First, here is a screen shot of someone who thought the best response to me putting my story out for the public to read, was “I’m voting for Trump,” which is a really interesting and pointed response to why I sat down and wrote Saturday night.

“I’m voting for Trump” is a mindless and negative response to an emotional post and honestly, this person missed the point.  The point was that men like Trump don’t care about our women, or me, or the abuses women face every day.  “I’m voting for Trump,” as a response to a women’s story means you don’t believe what happened to me matters, you don’t believe it’s dangerous to make someone like Trump President of the United States, a job whose duty it is to protect ALL people under them, and I know it’s hard to fathom, but women are people, too.

That response to my blog, that was from my step-brother.  If he doesn’t care about my wellbeing or that of women like me, I find it hard to believe some of the male population I don’t know cares.  Does it bother me that he wrote that? No, it doesn’t.  It doesn’t because I don’t need people with his priorities and (lack of) morals to care about me.  Plenty of others do, and will continue to.

The next response I received a few times was to connect my outrage regarding sexual assault to my lack of outrage, the lack of female outrage, to the book and movie Fifty Shades of Grey.  That’s a whole lot of bullshit, first.  And while I’m sure it took one minute out of this person’s day to post this on my page, I’d like to say it took me a few hours to find the words to discuss my personal story, and a whole lot of courage to put myself in front of a general public to speak about something I know many people care about.


First of all, that book and movie are terribly written and cast for money.  That’s the extent of what I feel about Fifty Shades, nothing more, nothing less.  Second, any women’s support of the book or movie are not a reflection of their desire to be mistreated, it’s of personal choosing to like books that focus on sexuality and domination.  It’s about sexual fetish, now control and lack of control, make a woman feel.  It’s about entertainment, about the bedroom, about personal sexual preference, and supporting Fifty Shades and expecting to live a life as a femal without harassment, sexual assault and the potential to get your pussy grabbed for sport are two different things entirely.


So spend your time posting these idiotic memes to my page, because I’m sure the minute it took a few of you to do that made you feel better at the end of the day looking at your wives and daughters and thinking of your mother, thinking you showed me, an outspoken and belligerent female, who is boss by attaching an image you didn’t even create, to make a point.  I applaud you for your bravery and for your well and thought out rebuttal.  You are really just making this too easy.


So let’s talk about my sexuality.  Let’s do this.  Let’s talk about just me, and my preferences and my history, because I’ve got quite the past, and I know a lot of women just like me, and a lot of women very different from me, but I do know that none of us think what we do in the bedroom or what we like to watch or what we like to read, has anything to do with whether or not I deserve to be attacked, to have men try to rape me, to have men try to take away a part of me that is mine alone.


By male standards, I know where I stand, especially in light of the many comments, emails and posts I received in the past day.  I’m a bitch, a cunt, an outspoken libtard,a slut who deserves it, a lesbian (really?), and the worst, the absolute worst one can be: a feminist, which let’s go back to definitions, a feminist is one who believes in the equality of women.  Yeah, you’re right.  I’m a feminist.


Here’s what I want to share about myself.  I like sex.  I like sex and I like men and I have a past that will send me to the grave with no regrets.  I like rough sex.  I like porn.  I’ve slept with a lot of men. I have fantasies that would get me kicked off Facebook for posting about them. I like to drink a lot.  I walk home from bars tipsy, hammered, even.  I leave my drink unaccounted for at my seat so I can use the bathroom.  I smile and make random conversation with men, and women, and I’d like to think that makes me a social person, not a woman giving an open pass for someone grabbing my crotch or telling me I owe them something because I spent five minutes entertaining a conversation I would have rather passed on in the first place.   I like to wear shirts to show off my cleavage.  I like red lipstick. I wear fishnets on weekends. I use sex toys.  I’ve been choked in bed, and I’ve asked for it.  I like to dominate in bed, and I like to be submissive. I’ve taken a free drink from someone who offered.  I’ve accepted a walk home from a bar or party and thought it was just a walk home.


Here’s a little word we’re forgetting when you judge me on my sexual assault, or you choose to continue to judge me on what I just shared above.  You forgot about consent.  CONSENT: to give assent or approval.  Consent. The ability for me to choose what I want done to me, for me, by someone else, and what is unacceptable on my terms.  CONSENT.  It’s a very easy concept.


But, there are some who will take what I’ve just written and run with it, and I’ll hear slut again many times over before I put my kids to bed tonight.  I want to ask, though, does what I consent to, do any of the things I have done or will continue to do in my spare time, do any of these things make it ok to harass me, beat me, sexually assault me? No, they don’t.  Do any of those things scream that it’s ok to talk down to me, call me sweetie, honey, a slut, or tell me I deserve what I have coming, or that I shouldn’t be a prude because I was attentive but then I said no, or is it acceptable to call me a tease because my supposed mixed signals caused a massive set of blue balls and you’d rather violate me than go jerk off and leave me the fuck alone.  Is it ok to tell me I’ll get what I have coming because I said the words, NO, I don’t want that, STOP.  Do any of those things make me a woman unworthy of protection, respect or kindness? No, they don’t.


You know what I don’t like? I don’t like the notion that I have to have permission from men to like what men like.  I don’t like that I have to fall into a box of what makes a woman acceptable from a male’s perspective, and what makes it ok to make me an object, a lesser human being, someone to discard and mock and treat poorly.


My sexual preferences and my sexual history have nothing to do with the fact that two men tried to rape me, beat me, and leave me on a street bleeding and crying to empower them, to entertain them, to teach me a lesson.  My sexual preferences and my sexuality are MY CHOICE, my choice alone, and I don’t owe anyone a fucking apology for what I choose to do behind closed doors, no woman owes anyone an apology.


I’ll leave you with this: if all I do in life before the day I die, is stand for what’s right, and stand up for my women, some who are warriors and some who are the quiet heros, the ones who can’t speak for themselves, and can’t stand up to the men who continue to try to shame them into thinking they are less than equal, if all I do is raise boys into men who treat women with respect, and who protect their women, who love them, raise them up and fight for them, well, that’s enough.

Because at the end of the day, no one remembers you for the memes you post to FB, no one cares about the comments you leave from the shadows degrading and insulting your own.

We are all merely remembered for how you treat people, how you try to change your community, and how, easy or difficult, you stand for what is good, decent, and right.