The World According to Sawyer

No one ever tells you before you have kids what a great source of entertainment they’ll be.  They focus on the really terrifying and awful stuff and never really spend time detailing the amount of full blown belly laughs you’ll have, compliments of your children, and how truly hysterical the innocence of childhood is.  Well, this is when they’re not being assholes.

Sawyer’s favorite teacher is a gal named Miss Lauryn.  I am guessing she is the favorite by the way he responds to her, loves being around her, and talks about her after school.  That’s the thing with Sawyer.  There are only three people he wants to talk about outside of his brother Sultan, and those people are his male best friend Garrison, his three year old girlfriend Addison and Miss Lauryn.  Every day it’s the same.

How was school, Sawyer?  Did you have fun today?

Garrison, Addison, Lauryn!  Garrison, Addison, Lauryn!  We play.  Toys. Noodles. Trucks.

You saw Garrison, Addison and Lauryn?  Wow. Great!

And then he ignores me and stares out the window silently until he decides he doesn’t like which way I’m taking home and  then instructs me, NO MOMMY, NO NO NO! THAT WAY! and the ridiculous part about it is that he fucking knows how to get home and he actually has an opinion about which way he prefers.  I apparently had no idea what two years old was.

One thing Sawyer HAS NOT mastered yet in life, though, is anything having to do with race, ethnicity or culture.  It was ok until now, but now all he does is talk, and so I asked Miss Lauryn the other day,

Hey, when do you think we can start some sort of race relations lesson going in the classroom?

She looked at me like what happened now and laughed and said, Well, they are reading books about slavery down the hall.  What happened now?  

We probably don’t need to talk about slavery quite yet, but I continued with my story to make a point.

So you know how I told you a few weeks ago that he thinks every black women around the world is Miss Lauryn? 

This is a true story.  Everywhere we go, doesn’t matter the country or city, if there is a black women in eye sight, Sawyer starts pointing, then shouting, then shrieking, MISS LAURYN!  HELLLOOOOO! MISS LAURYN!  MISS LAURYN! And if we’re close to this poor, unsuspecting person, he actually tries to break free to go run and see “Miss Lauryn” which results in my dragging him away by the arm giving some sort of life lesson sit down like,

No, Soy, remember we said not everyone that looks like Miss Lauryn IS Miss Lauryn, remember?

And no, he doesn’t quite understand and so every black woman remains Miss Lauryn, which is actually probably flattering.  Or not. It’s probably the start of terrible racism later in life.  I don’t know but somehow I feel like I’m failing at this shit.  I continue with my story.

“So we have a new twist to the story.  So I’m pulling up to daycare and I have both boys alone so I have Sawyer waiting on the sidewalk while I try to get Sully out of his side and all of a sudden I hear Sawyer shouting,

“LAURYN’S DADDY! LAURYN’S DADDY!  HIIIIIII. LAURYN’S DADDY!” 

and I look up and am horrified because we all know I’ve never met the daycare worker’s Daddy and it’s actually some guy I work with in my office, and he’s trying to get his daughter out of the car and take her to school.  So now I’m like JESUS STOP WITH THE YOU CAN’T TELL THEM APART SHIT SAWYER because seriously, he can’t really be that white kid that is running around acting like this and I have no idea what to do and so I walk really fast over to Soy and grab his hand and wave to the guy and smile, knowing he probably wasn’t listening anyway, and said,
Soy, we’ve never met Lauryn’s Daddy.  That’s that little girl’s Daddy.”  And then it occurred to me that he meant Daddy as in  like, he’s my Daddy, in the he gives it to me, sense, not that Sawyer would think of it that way because that’s perverted, but I suppose I refer to HIS Daddy like, hey Daddy, want to come watch TV or hey Daddy, can you grab me a drink, instead of Hey Chris, so then I’m like OHMYGOD he thinks that man is Lauryn’s boyfriend and he has chosen Daddy to be the way he refers to boyfriends or husbands which is an issue itself and fuck, I have no idea how I’m going to fix all this.

I finish the story to Lauryn with, “So I think he thinks now every black man is your husband.  I’m just guessing.” She shakes her head, says GOOD LORD, and picks him up and takes him to the breakfast table.  He waves.  At least he’s cute.

So because not much else is going on in my life this week, I tell my friends, who find this funny.  I tell Chris, who is horrified and tells me to stop telling people this stupid shit because we don’t need people thinking we are raising a racist child.  Anyway, I obviously ignored him because I continued telling the story for the whole week.

Yesterday, the guy Sawyer mistook to be the lover of his favorite teacher happened to be at his desk when I walked by and so I stopped and said to him, and no, I don’t know his real name so I just kind of jumped in with the details and kept talking.

“Hey. So you know how we drop off our kids around the same time at daycare?”  He just looks at me and says yea and like, why are you talking to me for the first time in a year for no reason?  I just carry on.

“Well, here’s a somewhat inappropriate but kind of funny story for you.”

The six guys that sit behind him, who love a good story, perk up, stop typing and push their chairs back away from their desk.

“So the other day? Did you hear my son shouting at you?  You know which one he is, right? Sawyer, the blonde one?” 

“No, I didn’t hear him but I know who he is.”  His daughter is in Sawyer’s class so I was hoping this story would be received well.

“Well, so, Sawyer may or may not think all black women in the world are Miss Lauryn.”  All of the guys looked at me with big eyes and humored.

“I mean, he’s not racist or anything, he’s only two, but apparently he thinks every black women is Lauryn from school and whenever he sees someone, he yells and waves and causes a goddamned scene and the worst part is that when they don’t respond, he is actually fucking defeated and I can’t really fix that because I have to spend a few minutes talking to him about how that woman is actually nothing like Miss Lauryn but he’s more upset that she didn’t say hi back and so the whole thing is sad and weird and awkward. “ I pause to take a breathe and the guys are laughing, including the one I’m about to get to in my story personally, so I’m assuming everyone agrees that this is a nice afternoon story to tell.

“So back to you.  So the other day, when he was yelling at you, he was shouting LAURYN’S DADDY! LAURYN’S DADDY! LAURYN’S DADDY! and I was horrified like OHMYGODSTOP because now apparently all black men are dating Lauryn because I think he means it like Baby Daddy, not like Father Daddy, I mean, I’m just guessing because sometimes I call his father Daddy instead of Chris and his grandfather is Poppy or Papa so if he thought you were her actual Daddy, he would have shouted Papa so the point of this is really that you, because black, are now Lauryn’s boyfriend and so if this continues, let’s just ignore it and have a good laugh and I’m sorry.”

He laughed and the rest of the office laughed and then I had a good laugh and was like phew, good. We’re all laughing at the tiny racist.  I start to walk away and the guy stops me.

“Hey Heather.”  I stopped.

“Yeah?” I turned back.

“My daughter is Lauren.” I looked annoyed and like, har har, shut up and when he kept staring at me with raised eyebrows like ? and then I was confused and just shrugged my shoulders.

“Lauren, my daughter? The one in Sawyer’s class?  Her name is Lauren.  I AM Lauren’s Daddy.”

And so again, the moral of this story is that I am the fucking idiot.