I had this exchange with a German spa this week through email.
“I’d like to book a massage, foot reflexology and a face massage. I’m 37 weeks pregnant, can you confirm this is ok with your spa?”
“No, we cannot do pregnant women. Danger not for us.”
“My doctor said she would write a note saying she approves.”
“This is not possible.” They love this fucking phrase. It drives me crazy how many times a week I get this goddamned phrase.
“But she said it was fine at this point, and I could even use the steam room and sauna and pool, in small doses.”
“Nein.” Oh, we were apparently done the English version of this conversation. “We suggest you do not use the facilities due to dripping.”
“Dripping?” She must have been using Google translate so I looked up what other words were the same for dripping in German.
LEAKING? LEAKING. Leaking was a word that could be using the same German word, which is super because I have never been told I can’t use something due to the fact that someone didn’t want MY VAGINA DRIPPING ALL OVER THE PLACE.
“You don’t want me to leak? Like my bodily fluids in the water?”
I wanted to be violently angry but in true German form, I had just been handed the most literal, in my face explanation about why I was not wanted in their establishment at this time. Not, no, we suggest you wait. Not, no, it might not be a great time, would you prefer after the baby is born? Not, no, we apologize we can’t accommodate you because nudity for pregnant women is not allowed during your last phase of this beautiful experience in our spa. Just no. We will not have you leaking your vagina everywhere.
“Yes. This is not possible.”
Even as someone who admits her vagina of late has been like a goddamned Elmer’s glue factory, I thought it was a bit much that she insisted on making me feel like a misfit of society, one who freely distributes bodily fluids in public places, laughing in the faces of unsuspecting, non-leaking Germans. But she did and that was the end of that conversation.