Reason 7,423 WHY I HATE CHILDREN

I think we all remember that even though I have a child now and one on the way, by nature, I despise 90% of the world’s children. I like my children. I like about ten other children. I tolerate a handful of others, but for the most part, I think most children are unnecessary, spoiled, awful, stupid, ugly and a poor decision in general. Having a child has made me forget this temporarily, but I assure you, I was reminded why I hate children and I’m going to go over today’s little incident and all of you who have been parents for more than 3 seconds in life can have a good laugh at my anger and tell me that it just gets worse.

So this morning I’m sitting at my desk, minding my own business and working when daycare calls and starts with their standard, “Hi, Mrs. Hopkins, just a courtesy call about Sawyer.”

This is normally followed by, he fell while running or he bashed his face off a truck or a table or the door, or he’s bleeding and we don’t know if he knocked out a tooth, which is my personal favorite call to receive, considering falling and putting my teeth through my lip is a top 10 fear of mine. Once they called to tell me he had ring worm but in my head I heard them say tape worm, and I panicked and called the Mr. immediately shrieking about that must be why he’s refusing to eat dinner and we are awful parents for letting him swallow a worm and off I went to immediately get him out of school. Then they told me at school that it’s ring worm, not tape worm, and I immediately wanted to know whose dirty kid is a tiny wrestler, because in my life I’ve only ever heard that wrestlers get ring worm and it makes sense to me to blame an entire sport and not say, the mats that would be used by both high school wrestlers and toddlers.

So that’s what I normally get called about. Today, though, a bit different.

“Sawyer has a few bites that are bothering him and we thought we’d let you know.” Huh, I thought, maybe that’s why he was itching his back this morning on our way out.

“Bug bites? Is he itching them?”

“No, not bug bites, child bites.   A child bit him. Twice.”

WHAT IN THE CANNIBALISM FUCK ARE THEY CALLING ME ABOUT?  You do not start a conversation telling someone their child has a few bites and assume I’m going to guess human bites above fucking bug bites.

“I’m sorry, what? A child bit him? Twice? What happened? Is he upset?” I refrained from launching my fat self out of my chair and marching over there to take a look at the crime scene and judge which shithead child bit my angel. I bet it was that sloppy haired, moon faced annoying one that tried to stomp on my flip flop wearing shoe for giggles the other day when I went to pick Sawyer up. He fucking smiled at me while looking at me in the eye and I already told that fucking overgrown toddler that Sawyer’s mom is hot and big lately and doesn’t have the patience for tiny halfwits with behavioral problems. I would match that child’s teeth to my son’s bites and deal with this myself.

Yes, I am 100% going to be that parent.

“Well, we aren’t sure what happen because it happened pretty quickly but they were on the slide and there was some commotion and the child ended up on top of Sawyer and bit him on the face twice. He has bite marks on his face and look worse than they are, probably because he’s so fair, and he didn’t really cry until we put ice on his face but now he has marks and we thought we’d let you know before you come back today.”

ON THE FUCKING FACE?  ON. HIS. FACE.  ON HIS PERFECT AND ADORABLE AND POTENTIALLY EASILY SCARRED FACE.  WHAT IN THE HOLY HELL I AM GOING TO SPANK THE EVIL OUT OF SOMEONE ELSES CHILD IN TWO GODDAMNED SECONDS. And why in the Christ has daycare become like some jail yard scene from Sons of Anarchy? I am going to find that child’s father in the email system and parade my ass into his office and have a talk about acceptable public behavior of children. Snacking on my fucking child’s face like a fucking psychopath menace to society does NOT MAKE THE CUT AT DAYCARE. And let’s not blame Sawyer’s porcelain and perfect skin when a child is using him like shark bait before lunch on the one day I was not aggressive about anything.

“Does this child have his shots?” Because if this child is one of those non-vaccinating motherfuckers, I am going to fucking choke his entire family while filming it.

“Yes, he has his shots.” Does he also have a fucking death wish?

“Please call me if Sawyer is unhappy today or if anything else happens. I’ll talk to you more about it when I come over this afternoon.”

And then I hung up, called the Mr., gave this exact account, which he found far more humorous than I did, probably because he thinks that I care more than Sawyer does at this point, and he did express concern when I told him children will be children does not fucking apply to my child and that I would be spending the weekend training Sawyer in Mommy Approved Mortal Combat.

No one uses my child as shark bait and gets away with it.