In my, All Things Heather, ask ridiculous questions series, you get insight into my life and thoughts and I’m sure you walk away shaking your head, wishing you never wasted your time tuning in to The Chronicles.
Like today. Today we’re going to answer a very important question about what type of mermaid/merman would you like to do The Good Sex with. Here’s the question I was asked last week:
If you were about to have sex with a mermaid, would you prefer human head, tits and a big fishy tail, or human legs and lady garden, with a big fishy head and gills? (you can make this a manmaid if you like).
Well, there are a few things to consider here. Let’s go over my initial thoughts, in order.
1. I like the phrase lady garden. I’m using it from here on out. Examples, “Can’t go out tonight. Weeding my lady garden.” Or, “Welcome to my lady garden, enjoy the fruit.” Or, “Calm your lady garden down and have a drink,” which just means stop acting like a vagina.
2. If I choose the human legs/fish head option, does that mean I get only a limited amount of time on land for the Sexy Time because of the gills or if I don’t want to have a time limit, I just need to be near water somewhere so if said fish head gets close to death, we can just dunk his or her head and reset the length of Sexy Time? I think historically, I’ve never been great in the water, or maybe just hot tubs, so fish gills seems problematic to me.
3. What do mermen look like? Or are they menmaids? And do they always have long hair?
4. I don’t really like the smell of fish whether it’s coming out of a fish head or a mermaid lady garden tail so I’m on the fence about this whole thing.
5. I’m afraid of snakes and that mer-tail looks suspect. Also, I don’t like touching fish, which I suppose is a more relevant complaint since snakes have nothing to do with this post.
6. Have you ever seen a mermaid with a butch haircut? Neither have I. Therefore, no mermaids are probably lesbians (c’mon, don’t start with this, lesbians have long hair too, stuff) and therefore I shouldn’t be considering sex with anything but a merman.
7. I’m not sure how the mer-tail works really. I prefer someone who has a solid grasp of using their legs, though a strong swimmer should mean great stamina and broad shoulders. Scratch that, though. I like legs. I’ve never been a huge fan of tails on anything. Except the Halloween my sister went as a cat, which is a whole other story.
8. Why are there so many shows about vampires and werewolves and none about life under the sea? Is it not as sexy, or is it the chance the entire crew would die drowning while filming? This is something I will probably research.
9. If you do choose the tail option, where are the goodies, exactly? Is the tail like a curtain and it can be pulled back somewhere? How do you get in there? I don’t need extra work, thanks.
10. Can’t I just be the mermaid? That seems like a reasonable end to this thought process.
After all that random evaluating, I’ve decided that I don’t think I want to sleep with a mer-anything, but it’s really comforting to know that I have a strong opinion on the subject.