Since being back from the cruise, I’ve had one or two wine nights with the boys, one spa night and a few reminders that I still look like a lesbian.
I took one step out of customs and maybe mentioned I hadn’t showered in two days, was in need of detox and that I am never eating a buffet for 8 days again and Bryan says, “Awwww, guuuuurrrrllll, you do look like a raging lesbian today.” I was wearing a black tank top and jeans and flip flops, my standard summer gear, which I did not know was lesbian uniform but by now, I’m most positive it is.
“Ugh, and I’ve gained like 9 pounds.” I offered, not wanting to believe I actually gained 9 pounds but then Kyle offered, “Ummm, yeah, I saw you get off the plane and was like ohhh, buffet, mmmmm.” Then I got the once over.
So I’m still a fat lesbian apparently, which is fine.
Then I get home and a few days later two full boxes of beauty supplies arrive from home, which is the result of my mother pressuring me into attending a costemtics party at her house this summer and I basically bought whatever it would take for her and me to get free gifts so I could drink my iced tea quietly. And I like salt scrubs, so there’s that.
Opening the box of items I have no idea how to use caused a great bit of excitement in the house and before I knew it, the three of us were upstairs in the bathroom doing skin abrasion treatments, which I’ll have you know is like sanding your face off gently, face masks, mustache waxes (me), deep hair conditioning treatments (me, three times due to salt water), red lipstick applications (them, oddly enough), suggestions on hair dying because “while your bleached out hair looks beachy, your roots look trashy“, nail polish refreshers and applying an ungodly amount of lavender salve to my body and lips which have lost all hydration until the end of time.
At the end of spa day, though, I did feel quite refreshed. We may or may not do another one tonight if we don’t accidentally fall under a bottle of wine first. Who knows.
In summary, this picture still sums up my life with the boys.
I live the life of tough love.