More than you needed to know….

I’m traveling home from Italy today so before I set off, I thought I’d leave you with Deep Thoughts to read today. Also, I didn’t want anyone to think I forgot Sandy’s questions from two weeks ago. She spent time thinking of hilarious ways to give you more insight into ALL THINGS HEATHER, and so here are the answers.

1. Which disorder would you most enjoy? There are so many to choose from, be selective, you can have only one. After some deep thinking and researching, I’ve decided I most enjoy Foreign Accent Syndrome, better known as what happens to be when I get drunk. It happens rarely, but when it does, I can either be English, Aussie, Irish or from Boston. What I would give to wake up with a French accent or maybe Chinese would be exotic. How fancy. Feel free to read about it here and note that a Croatian woke up from a coma being fluent in German. I need to get myself in and out of a coma STAT.

2. If you knew you would be stuck on a deserted island for a year, what would be your favorite color? Green. Green is always my favorite color, whether I’m stuck on a deserted island for a year or a day, I’m sticking with green. More specifically, mossy green. Not emerald green or neon or forest. Muted and grayish green. Unless vodka has suddenly become a color and then I’d choose that instead.

3. Everyone wishes to be extraordinary from time to time. What superpower would choose to have on those special days?
I’d like to be able to silence stupid people with my eyes. The minute I hear something come out of their mouth that I hate, I give the evil eye and they immediately stop talking. Or if you’re an asshole and I do that, your face melts. Or if you’re a stuffy bitch and I do that, your face freezes. I actually think I practice this daily. On really special days, I’d be able to shape shift. Shooting fire out of my fingertips for no real reason would also be fun.

4. If you had to choose among drinking a stranger’s urine, kicking a puppy or pretending to be nice to someone you despise, which would you prefer? Tough one. While I hate playing nice with people I despise, I technically do it every day. I don’t subscribe to kicking puppies and I met this girl once that had to drink her own urine because she was being tortured in the Middle East somewhere and I found that fascinating but she said it wasn’t all that bad so I’m not sure now if it is or not. Actually, we are talking about a stranger’s urine, aren’t we? I can’t do that. You don’t know what they’re eating or drinking or if they have really strong urine or if they drink too much coffee or eat too much protein and ugh, now I’m grossed out. No, never mind. I’ll be nice to someone I despise.

5. I have read several references to coffee in your blog. Have you ever put cream, sugar or heroin in your coffee? Yes or no.
No, but I had to sit and think if there was anything close I might have put in. A few days ago I put Baileys and vodka in my coffee. I’ve also tried whiskey and one day in a time of need I think I said screw it and gave Armenian cognac a try and don’t do that, it’s not good.

6. With which one of these delusions do you most closely associate and why?
Fregoli delusion: a disorder in which a person holds a delusional belief that different people are in fact a single person who changes appearance or is in disguise.
Reduplicative paramnesia: the delusional belief that a place or location has been duplicated, existing in two or more places simultaneously, or that it has been ‘relocated’ to another site.
Capgrass delusion: causes the sufferer to believe that a close acquaintance, generally a spouse or some other family member, has been replaced by someone who carries the same exact looks.
While I personally associate most with persecutory delusion, mostly because I tend to believe that people are always following me or trying to poison me, and I do suffer from erotomania, BECKS STOP CALLING ME, it’s clear that having the capgrass delusion would be super fun. Can you imagine if your spouse comes home one day and you act all, UMMM, who are you and what have you done with my lover? That would be a great way to mess with someone you love for 24 hours. Then I’d get bored and I’d just go back to having my normal delusions. This reminds me that more than once I’ve daydreamed that if I was ever in an accident or maybe just one day when I wake up normally, I’m going to pretend I have complete amnesia and see how it goes. That’d be some real Days of Our Lives shit. Yes, I really think these things.

7. Word association, please. I’ll take your word that you put the first thing that came to your mind

a. Doner: Turks
b. Rumpelstiltskin: foreskin
c. Excersize
: ha
d. Gag Ball: gimp

e. Kazakhstan: tracksuit

In case you ever wondered where I stood on any of the above.