So I’m fresh off the cruise and stuck in Venice for 24 hours because I’m a moron and booked our flight back on the wrong day. Worse things have happened in life than being stuck in balmy Venice and so I am making the best of it, lying in the breeze, finally having internet to blog and catch up on life. I figure since I don’t have any vacation photos yet to show you, I’ll just give you an idea of what life was like on the cruise.
Friends we went with: 8
Number of days on vacation: 9
Number of countries visited: 3: Italy, Greece, Turkey
Times I offended one of my friends: None, which I am actually shocked by.
Times I offended a stranger: Probably a lot.
Pounds of bacon consumed at breakfast: 4, at least. And by 4 I mean 10.
Number of people we gave nicknames but never actually spoke to: (Mr. Universe, who we will discuss later, Honey Boo Boo, Honey Boo Boo 2 and 3, Mr. Universe Light, Justin Bieber, Orangina, The Romanian Tramp, Michael Bolton, The Russian Count and Heinz and Heidi, the German couple that never smiled.)
Number of servings of veal wellington I ate the first night while drunk: 3, with gravy. It was lovely.
Pounds I gained this week due to fat girl buffet eating: 9, at least. Very attractive.
Number of champagne bottles consumed in one day: 6
Number of times I stayed in due to near death sickness (of the flu kind, not the drunk kind): 1
Number of times I declared for no reason, “I’m going to tan until I look like a native”: 53, at least, and I do look like a little Indian, in case you’re wondering.
Number of pounds of salt water consumed: 6
Number of times a child assaulted me because they don’t understand space or privacy boundaries: 13
Number of times I threw up: 3. One was sushi related and two others due to body failure.
Number of times I thought to myself, “Cruises make you hate the human race”: 3 times daily
Number of times I had to purchase male boy short underwear to wear under my clothes due to fat leg chaffing: 1, in Turkey, because it’s fucking hot there and I have robust thighs apparently.
Number of times I had a near meltdown like a child because of the heat: 2 times daily while in Greece.
Number of people Amber and I stalked on the trip: 1. Mr. Universe, a very fit, 50-ish, silver fox Italian man with skin like caramel and a smile that makes you hot in the pants. Yes, it was aggressive stalking on our part.
Number of times we referred to Mr. Universe as though he was our joint boyfriend: 723
Number of times any of the guys thought our perverted behavior towards a stranger was remotely funny: 0
How big we think Mr. Universe is: 8 inches, easy. Green speedo. Thank you Europe. (there will be a picture update from the pool for anyone interested and ladies, you will be interested)
Number of naps: 9
Number of times I promised myself to get new hobbies and give up drinking for life when I get back: 93
Chances of that actually happening: 2%, if being generous
How much money spent: Enough that I won’t be looking at my account anytime soon.
How much fun I had: A lot. A lot, a lot, a lot. Good friends, good fun, sun and relaxing all week.
Whew, that should do it for now….I need a nap and some pizza. Ciao.