Sparklers on Independence Day

While I am proud to be an American, I’m not going to go on about patriotism and independence and national pride. I do care about all of those things and if you don’t believe me, re-read my old post two years ago about loving America.

This American Girl….

Back to today, though. Today I’m slightly horrified by what American children are becoming. Seriously.

So I’m browsing Pinterest because yes, as my friend Amber puts it, Pinterest is like crack when you’re bored and I like all the pretty pictures. There, I said it and I’m not ashamed. Anyway. So I’m browsing and people are posting lots and lots of American flag pictures, firework pictures, bbqing pictures and then I come across THIS FUCKING NIGHTMARE PICTURE:

America is raising a bunch of sallies.

Are you serious? Someone took a solo cup and made a HAND SHIELD FOR A SPARKLER? Oh my god, my country is raising a bunch of weak SALLYPANTS wusses. Actually, I’ll just say it. We are promoting a generation of pussies. I’m sorry. It had to be said.

In my 32 years, I have lit at least 9000 sparklers. I think I have sword fought my siblings with sparklers. I have put one in my mouth at a gay club and I have never, EVER, EVER needed a goddamned hand shield. First of all, the sparks don’t hurt. And they won’t kill you.

And if I ever saw a child doing this hand shield thing, I would just slap the stupid sparkler right out their hand and shame them for being such a moron.


Now. No more yelling about people being stupid. I have some bbqing to do.

And remember, if you do anything at all today, just remember to be thankful we’re not British. đŸ˜‰