Football tourney time: The No Sex Allowed Debate

So I’m sitting at the conference last week and I hear the Germans talking about the football team having no restrictions this year, which is apparently a big deal.

“No restrictions,” I ask. “Like what?”

“No booze. No caffeine. No cigarettes. No sex.” No one even seemed bothered by this. German logic, I suppose, but don’t try to tell me Cristiano Ronaldo and Becks have ever denied themselves a little after-game entertainment. I for one, and I don’t mean to get all filthy about it, would lose my fucking mind if I ever offered The Good Sex to a post game Ronaldo and he told me NO THANKS. That’s also saying a lot because I also heard he’s small and bad in bed, which I don’t even care about. And when I say I heard, I mean I read in a tabloid.

“NO SEX?” I ask, wondering how and why you are going to stop this, considering I heard there was something like 8 million prostitutes ready to camp out near the games, ready to reward the boys for all of their hard work on the field.

I took a mental timeout and considered this idea. Lock men up for a week with no vices like caged animals and then let them loose to tear up the world, umm, I mean field. Huh. What a brilliant concept. I wondered if this would work equally well with say, housework or yard work. If you keep your husband caged up and punished like an animal and then let him loose, will he have the aggression, determination and stamina to finally do the goddamned TO DO list that’s been tacked to the fridge for a week?

I am willing to test this theory out for women all over the world. Perhaps we could all join together and see if this works. Please let me know if we should make a facebook group for this. I’ll lead the charge.

Just then, in my planning for women all over the world, I was interrupted by the Germans. “Well, they are usually on lockdown,” I was told, “and it’s good for them. This year, though, the German coach decided there are no rules, though. They can do whatever they want.”

I snapped my head and almost paralyzed myself while raising my eyebrows. No rules? In Germany? Especially during football?

First of all, shut your mouth. That isn’t even possible in this country. World order depends on the rules, even the football rules.

And so if no rules, how is it then, that the German team just keeps winning? If they’re hungover and winded and perhaps exhausted from some well deserved sexy time, how do they keep it together?

C’mon, guys, that’s easy. There may be no spoken rules this year, but oh, they’re following them, alright. I’ll bet you my next paycheck not one rule from years past has been broken.

They just can’t help it and today, I love them for it.