God will give you what you can handle….

So I haven’t written in some time. Could be that I’m in the middle of a massive depression and could be that I’m away at a work trip still and also could be that I’m very fucking confused by life at this point.

Every year you blow out another candle, you think you have another solid grasp on life and that the world will reset for you and normal world order will be ok for a certain amount of time.

and then in blows a storm and your whole world is upside-down and everything is a mess and you just wonder what the fuck happened, right??

because that’s how I feel. that’s how I’ve felt for two weeks now and I’m not sure how to come out of it, or if i want to really…

so here’s my thing. i am somehow convinced that losing Moxie is somehow the work of the kharma gods and since i don’t believe in jesus himself, i’ve done something, lots of things, to set off world order and now i’m being repaid for it. because honestly, if you’re a normal person, going through troubles in life, with family and friend and work and nonsense, there should be no reason that someone would continuously test you, if for no other reason than to break you completely, right?

because honestly, today, and every day, lately, that’s how I feel.

i’m dealing with my father’s death. i’m dealing with family issues. i’m dealing with work. and then i’m handed the loss of moxie, and honestly, i’ve sat for a week in what most would consider paradise and i just want to cry and stare at a wall and wonder how much more I can take. sometimes, since i’m most certainly a non-believer, i want to think i’m being punished for being an awful human being. i mean, really, that makes sense. and then sometimes i believe, if there’s a better world out there, the one i don’t believe in, then maybe it’s trying to convince me to believe, right?

but fuck. who knows at this point.

point is. i’m just really fucking confused and wondering why the world is so unfair and how i can sort it out…beacuse for now, I’m still feeling broken and lost and confused and think if there’s anyone at all listening, well, you sir, have won and you have broken me and i just really need to know how to make us even and the world right again….