The neverending Jesus holidays

So I’m getting ready to host the Irish clan and of course the day I am going to take off is a German bank holiday, surprise, surprise, because EVERY day here has the potential of being a day off.

Then I was told it was Father’s Day, which is fine but actually makes no sense because Father’s Day should be celebrated on a Sunday when everyone can relax and BBQ and truly appreciate the giver of half your genes and Thursday is no good for real celebrations.

I also don’t support it because it is too close to Mother’s Day (last Sunday) and kids can and should only be responsible for one parent at a time and one gift at a time so UM GERMANY, can you please move Father’s Day to June? Thanks.

So then I’m in work telling someone that I have no idea if monkey island or Hohenzollern Castle are even open on Father’s Day, which is going to be a nightmare and then two friends chime in and tell me the following:

It’s actually Man’s Day in Germany tomorrow. I think that means everyone is actually celebrating cock tomorrow, then, and in that case, I’m going to wear a party hat and eat cake because I’ll never turn down a penis celebration.

Just another Man’s Day in Germany.


Actually, if you’re interested in what Man’s Day is supposed to be about, the internet tells me this:

Groups of male friends or male relatives spend a day together. They often take part in an outdoor activity, such as a walk in the country or a horse-and-cart ride. Afterwards, they have a communal meal.

So basically it’s a full guy’s day out without all the angry Frauen, which is reason enough to celebrate, I guess, because Frauen are really just SO AWFUL. German FRAUEN, ekkkk.

But no, we can’t just stop at a bunch of German men wanting to spend the day together….Then I found out that everyone was also celebrating JESUS GOES TO HEAVEN DAY.

Well, what the HELL, Jesus? Another holiday? REALLY?

Jesus, stop being a selfish prick. First we are all expected to shut down on your birth, which is still suspect because if we were to celebrate the births of every fatherless child in the world, fucking christ, none of us would ever get anything done.

Then we have to celebrate your life by mourning your death. That seems to last forever.

Then I have to deal with Your Rising and that’s another damned party and shopless day.

Now I have to celebrate, Jesus goes on permanent vacation to heaven day? What the hell.

Not only that, but I thought to google, “How many Jesus celebration days in life are there?” and Google wrote back:

Stop being an asshole, Heather, but if you’re interested, here’s a link.

ALL DAYS PEOPLE USE JESUS AS AN EXCUSE NOT TO WORK, NOT TO PROVIDE ME WITH OPEN STORES AND ALSO FOR EATING AND DRINKING (which I’m fine with)

What I’m NOT fine with?

Feel free to google, “Jesus’ circumcision” for this awkward photo


Ummm. Feast of the Circumcision of Christ Day. I’m not fucking lying. Not only am I not lying, I’m also gagging because I do NOT like the word FEAST in the same sentence as CIRCUMCISION, forget a feast FOR a cutting. Ohmygod.

And since when am I required to celebrate the circumcision of Jesus? Why would we do this again? What type of festival are we hosting there? Does it center around calamari? Are their penis shaped parting gifts? Are we all drinking and talking about how great it was the day Jesus was cut?

Jesus, you are really pushing it.