The day my masseuse gave me a (surprise) happy ending.

I can’t decide what to write about today. I’ve started and stopped three stories now and then thought maybe I’d just give you a quote or a picture but no, story telling it is.

I was going to write a “How to Buy a Mother’s Day Gift” tutorial because I spent ten minutes teaching the men in my office which flowers to order and which flowers NOT to order from some gross catelog for their mothers but then as I was typing the post, I started hating myself because I really don’t care to write about that. If you can’t figure out what to buy yourself, you are probably an awful and ungrateful child with no personality or brain cells. Good luck.

Then I wanted to tell you about the time I think I was being offered a happy ending without realizing it until it was too late and then I played dead.

Well, that’s the summary anyway. I’m actually not going to tell the full story here because I am going to write it and put it in my proposal that will one day turn into a book that one day you will have to all buy.

In the meantime, I have told said molesting story to a few people and they all had a similar reaction: What do you mean you THINK you were being offered a happy ending?

Well, I mean, really. How can I be sure? Since I didn’t show up asking for anything, and I can’t imagine I looked like I wanted it, and I don’t think the kid massaging me was just trying to get some in his WORKPLACE, what do you mean WHY AM I CONFUSED?? Further, I am well aware that this shit does not happen to everyone and I want to know why it keeps happening to me.

I feel like God is always pranking me just for a good laugh.

Also, NEWSFLASH: I’m kind of oblivious about most things in life and BIGGER NEWSFLASH: I’m not a guy. I don’t know where you all go to get serviced and I don’t know if the word “happy ending” is featured in an actual ad or if there’s a super secret symbol maybe on the door, say by the “We accept credit cards and hard-ons” section of the window or is it a look you are given if it’s your lucky day sometime in the middle of a regular massage or is there a secret code like if you are grazed mid-massage, you are supposed to make a certain nose which either means, yes, I’m in for the molesting or no thanks, my goods are fine.

Where do you learn these life lessons? And why don’t I know any girls that know the answer to this question?

Oh right. Because we don’t need to go into a grubby sex massage parlor for a random grabbing. We’re not animals.

So how does it work? I’ll need to know for future potential molestings. I need to be prepared, unlike last time. Last time I did the following:

1. Jumped a mile but kept my eyes closed and hoped the masseuse didn’t notice.
2. Played dead. I acted completely corpse-y and just layed there completely frozen, thinking if he thinks I’m dead, it’ll be no fun to try to molest me.
3. Held my breathe. Because that seemed to be a normal reaction.

So I’m not sure what you’re all up to today, but I’m going to get back to doing my research for the full story. Googling “does shiatsu massage involve touching my groin region and do shiatsu massages lead to happy endings” is considered research, right??

2 thoughts on “The day my masseuse gave me a (surprise) happy ending.

  1. Eric Enstrom says:

    WOW Heather, for the record I think a guy giving a massage is a masseur. I thought it was another woman trying this..LOL!

    • unapologeticmoxie says:

      Eric, at this rate does it really matter? haha. But yes, thank you for the correction, though I wouldn’t have been surprised regardless. 🙂

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