First of all, I’m an AUNT!!! Have we discussed this yet?? Sorry, but this week is going to be annoying because there is a lot to talk about with the arrival of one Mr. Tristan James. Honestly, I didn’t think I’d be this excited since the kid isn’t mine and I thought I’d be just excited when I go home to see him in May but really, this being an Aunt thing is great.
Now here he is, for all the world to see.
First thing I thought when I saw this was, Wow, he doesn’t even have ugly new baby face. I mean, really. With newborns, you never know what the hell you’re going to get. Most of the time they are downright scary straight out of the womb. Anyway, not this kid. This baby is delightful already. And what a relief. My brother and sister-in-law must be so proud.
So. While there’s a lot going on at home, I only get bits and pieces WHEN I GET A PHONE CALL AHEEEEEEEEEEEM. And when I do get a phone call, it’s usually just something brief, except for one splendid phone call I had with Katie Wednesday night, an hour after the baby was born.
“How is Dave holding up and is Mom hysterical?”
“David threw up twice during labor, I think, and then and he was mad earlier when Becca wouldn’t let him leave to go to McDonald’s to get something to eat. Mom is holding up and doesn’t seem too hysterical.”
“Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. Perfect. So he’s got a good view but also wants to step out for a bit to go get something to eat? That kid is amazing.”
“Yes, but I think Mom is bringing him food later. Also, when I was in there earlier, Bec had a THREE MINUTE contraction and she didn’t say a word or even make a face.”
“Wait, WHAT? Didn’t even make a face? That leads me to believe she has no soul. Jesus. That girl is an animal. And she had him straight out her jage? No cutting into her stomach?”
I made a noise that is typically only reserved for animals wounded and dying in the woods. God, childbirth sounds awful. I carried on with more questions.
“Does the child have all of his limbs and fingers and does he have new baby ugly face syndrome?”
What? All new babies are usually pretty ugly, which is part of the reason I’m coming home in a month, when the child fattens and cutens up a bit. That seems to make sense. Also, checking on fingers and toes seems like the polite thing to do.
“David said yes, he’s got all of his limbs. I don’t know, I haven’t been in to see him yet.”
“Does he have an elf ear? Please tell me he has an elf ear. Confirm that with someone in the room.” Our brother has a serious elf ear that surely qualifies him for working in Santaland. I was hoping he’d pass this along to Tristan.
She laughs. “Dave says he DOES NOT have an elf ear.”
“I don’t believe him. I’ll be the judge of this when I come home in May.”
“So here’s something awkward,” Katie starts. I had a feeling this was going to be good. “So I’m going to be in the nursery tomorrow when they do his circumcision,” she offers.
“OHMYGOD ARE YOU CUTTING OUR NEPHEW? Because that is kind of weird but also very interesting.”
“No, I’m not CUTTING OUR NEPHEW. Jesus. God, that’s gross.” I’m pretty sure we were both making the same horrified and disgusted face. I’m also sure we had the same mental image based on a previous tidbit my sister told me about a year ago.
Last year I must have been telling Katie about eating the world’s best calamari in Budva but instead of wanting to know details, she made this awful gagging noise on the phone and I wasn’t sure but I think she threw up just a little and then spit on the floor. When I asked her what the hell was wrong with her she thought it was ok to tell me that watching a circumcision in a nursery is like watching a squid get cut into calamari. This is one bit of information that I certainly NEVER needed to know. Further, she carried on that all the unwanted baby foreskin rings get tossed in one bin and it ends up, at the end of the day, looking like a big batch of penis calamari. This, she declared, is all the reason she ever needed to give up eating calamari.
God, I hate when she tells me stuff like that.
Anyway. Back to the circumcision of our nephew.
“So you’re going to be in the room, but you’re not going to give him the calamari treatment?” I could just picture her standing there watching this happen. I felt left out.
“Oh, I’ll be there. I want to be sure everything goes ok.” Good for her. I wasn’t sure if she was concerned about his baby health or she wanted to ensure his future as an adult male would be ok but either way, I felt better that she would at least be there to oversee the chopping.
“OHMYGOD. I just thought of something. Can you bring your iPhone in with you? You could take a picture and…” I was talking really fast because I was very excited.
She interrupted and was shouting. “I AM NOT GOING TO TAKE A PICTURE OF OUR NEPHEW’S FORESKIN. Stop it.”
“Oh yes you are. COME ON. Think of how perfect that would be. We’re already going to be the best and most badass aunts on the PLANET but can you imagine how fun it would be to fuck with him on say his TWENTY-FIRST BIRTHDAY when crazy Aunts Heather and Katie pass around pictures of his foreskin snipping event at the bar during his birthday party?? That would be priceless. We could torment the kid for LIFE.”
In between choking on laughter, she seemed to be considering the idea.
“I’m not going to put it in my hand,” she said. She seemed to be negotiating with me.
“No, of course you don’t have to put it in your HAND. I meant just get an action shot, though actually, if you did and action shot and then had it in your hand that would be worth more years from now.”
“No, nevermind. I’m not taking a picture and we’re going to stop talking about our nephew’s foreskin now. I have to go. You’re ridiculous.”
And with that, she hung up.
Just another normal conversation about the newest edition to our very functional and very normal family.