My sister-in-law is seriously taking a long time to have this baby of hers. My mother called me at 0700 this morning. That was over twelve hours ago. And while I’d love to do a, Welcome to the World, post for my very first nephew, I am impatient and need to write.
No worries, though, because of course today I had yet another random and disastrous encounter with the Germans. Well, just one German and then another one who waved from a truck.
This morning I needed a few documents off my laptop to finish work left over from the conference and so I had to drive home and email them to myself because memory sticks and burning cds are no-gos in my office. So off I went and figured I could also just eat lunch at home. Perfect.
Half hour into my stop home, I’m attaching files when the doorbell rings.
Well that’s odd, I thought. I told the dog walker not to come since I’d be home. Ugh. That meant I was about to have another encounter in which I’d probably have to play impromptu German/American charades to make up for the fact that I still cannot hold a conversation.
Sidebar: In my defense, I have been trying lately, I PROMISE.
Anyway. Sure enough, I open the door and find a farmer standing on my doorstep. Or at least I assume he was a farmer, since he was wearing overalls and the truck in the street had a farm painted on it but jesus, he could have been anyone, really.
“Guten morgen…German, german, german, really fast and aggressive German, ja?” That’s exactly what he said.
Well, WHAT? That’s what I heard, anyway.
(insert the deer in headlights face I usually make, even when I try not to)
“Sprechen sie Englisch?” Yes, I have that one mastered.
“Little.” Whenever Germans say a little, they mean 80% of the English language. However, this one may have been telling the truth because the only words I recognized in the five minute explanation he tried giving me were apfel, orange, kinder and zi hund sehr gut.
Therefore, LOGICALLY, I assumed a bunch of kids picked all these apples and oranges for him and dogs in his eyes were very good. Then I realized he saw my dogs and I just smiled and said, “Ja, sehr gut.” But then again, I’ll say anything is very good considering I have no idea how to say the word awful.
For about a minute we just stood there looking at each other, which was slightly awkward because I didn’t know what to do but then he made up for it by pulling out an apple, a potato and an orange out of his apron. For a second I wondered if he was actually a clown with no make-up and if he was going to juggle but then I had to block that out because I hate clowns and I hate juggling so then I just focused on the fact that he had taken the produce out of an apron so I had to wonder WHY he was wearing an apron, even though it really was handy in this case, but then I got distracted because he started cutting the apple with a knife and handing it to me like my Meme used to do when I was little.
I wasn’t really in the mood for an apple because I had just been drinking iced coffee but I shoved it in my mouth anyway to be polite. Well, to be polite and because he did have a knife so I wasn’t going to say no, not that I thought he was going to knife me on my doorstep but STILL. “Sehr gut,” I offered, but this time I meant it.
He asked me another long sentence and then waited for an answer. The only way I knew he wanted to know if I wanted to buy something was because I know the words euro and kosten, which means cost, and that’s only because of this video, SO BONUS because then even though he probably told me, I sang excitedly,
“WIE VIEL KOSTET DAS?” He jumped a bit and seemed surprised that I decided to scream HOW MUCH DOES IT COST with a smile on my face but that’s because he had no idea I learned that recently by watching a German video that teaches children how to sing phrases. I almost clapped my hands like a seal, I was so proud of myself.
Then he laughed at me, which I suppose I deserved.
After somewhat negotiating a price which I think was going to go to some children’s foundation (otherwise, I have no idea what kinder had to do with apples) he disappeared and I waited for my bag of apples. I figured even if I got 8 or 10 I could make some sort of crumble tonight for dessert.
And then he came around the corner with this.
I grunted when he handed it to me and shuffled myself into the kitchen to set it on the counter. Ok, maybe there were 20 apples, I thought. That’d be enough for apple crumble AND breakfast. Not a waste.
Then, when I couldn’t quite lift the damned thing on the counter I wanted to put it on, I put it on the floor, waved to the man from the window and shouted, “Tschuuuuuuuuus!” which is a really cutesy way of saying see ya later in Bavaria.
Moxie and I went over to examine the apple count and well jeeeesus CHRIST, I have enough apples to feed a middle school.
I had no idea how I was going to explain this to the Mr. Telling him I acted like a moron would work easily but for a second I thought I could just tell him I came home for lunch and found them on our stoop and that maybe Germans give apples as Easter gifts but then he’d probably make me throw them out because we don’t trust produce left on stoops. Also, I’ve seen Snow White. Random apples are fucking dangerous.
So the moral of this story is that the Germans won again, this time without even having to try.