Two Gays and the Queen of Frump

So two of my favorite gays are coming to Europe for the first time and I cannot WAIT to have them here. They are excitable, witty, pretty, fun and open to any adventure in Europe that I toss their way.

I told them that when they come over we (mostly they) can do a couple of things:
1. I will take them to one major city for a few days of fun…their choice. We are going to Paris! I cannot wait for the open cafes, the Louvre, the stationery stores and the picture-taking! And the wine…did I mention the French wine?

2. They will be my personal organizers and assistants while here, expectations being they clean up my makeup, my toiletries, my closet, my life. I will also have them doing other assistant like things such as make my phone calls, lay out my clothes, and slap baguette out of my hand because as personal assistants, they are on diet watch, even if they have to shame me into skinny. I told them if they’re good enough, I’d consider hiring them for the summer.

3. I will allow them to put me through and film a WHAT NOT TO WEAR episode, which I know they’ve wanted to do for a while.

Now granted, I know numbers 2 and 3 are more for me than them but you would not believe how excited they got about the Heather Makeover aspect.

And so for episode one, I will allow them to rip through my closet, make me try on my own clothes and just tear me apart, creating two piles—one fierce and one frump. I may bag the frump pile, but only if I have enough clothes in the fierce to wear, which I won’t. I can just see their faces now when they have the ability to prove that I truly don’t own a belt because I DO NOT BELIEVE IN BELTS and that I own more pair of sweatpants and hoodies than jeans or jackets. For the record, I own two jackets and one is a fleece.

And for episode two, we’re going to tape in Paris. They’re going to parade me in and out of stores, making me try on clothes and pick outfits meant for my body and hopefully the outfits will include lots of scarves and sunglasses because I’m great at wearing accessories. And lipstick. There will be lots of that.

Then I’ll hopefully figure out how to set some parts of the videos to music, obviously anything from Glee, upload to youtube and I’ll have my first two videos for the blog. Sounds like a plan to me.

I’m sure I don’t know half of what I’m in for. Maybe the conversation I had with one of them about possibly going to a cabaret show should give me a hint.

Me: Maybe we could go to Moulin Rouge or Crazy Horse, make a cabaret show our big event of the weekend. I wondered if they would even appreciate girls in lingerie. I suppose they would, as much as I probably appreciate looking at half naked women, kind of in a, I want to touch you/be your friend/aw you’re so pretty and flexible, type way.
Him: Gurrrrrrrrl, I am going to wear my HEELS! And how much glitter do you think I can get through customs? And I can’t wait to wear my black skinny jeans all week. His lispy accent was getting more excitable.
Me: I’m not going to wear heels that weekend but you are? I considered the fact that having a cock doesn’t have to mean you have shoes unfit for heels I suppose.
Him: Well we all knew you weren’t wearing heels, Skittles. Rainbow hair to him has created my new nickname, Skittles. Cute.

Jesus, they are going to have a field day with me and they are surely going to burn all of my clothes.

Bring it on, my pretty little gays. The Queen of Frump awaits.