Becks is driving me to buy mens underwear

So you’ve all seen the ads by now. We have this scrumptious ad, which is THANKGOD, is plastered all over every big building in Europe:

(you’re welcome for making it extra big on purpose)

Seriously. I was in Bratislava last week and this was insanely huge on the side of a building near where we were eating lunch so every day I’d get to walk by and while fighting to keep my hands out of my pants, stare with my mouth open, drooling. When Mr. H was there, we walked by one day and I got this brilliant idea and started shrieking,

OHMYGOD! I’m going to run over and stand under the billboard with my head under his goodies, tilt my head back and open my mouth. You can take my picture, ok?”

Mr. H looked at me like I was a moron and said his typical, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?, but we all know that is just a ridiculous question. I would’ve asked a local but I figured it wouldn’t come out right and they wouldn’t understand why I was standing under a billboard with my mouth open like a baby bird waiting for a worm, which actually, is kind of a good comparison.

Then we have THREE Becks. I don’t know which one I like best, but when it comes to too many Becks, that is not an actual problem, now is it?

Everything I want to say about this will be flagged.

So I was thinking. One Becks is obviously enough but can you imagine three of him? Holy fuck, I don’t know what I would do. Typically I’m not into sleeping with three guys at a time (and by typically I mean never) but in this case, I’d sign myself up for that triplet gang bang. Or does sleeping with three brothers mean you’re having an orgy, not a gang bang? I’m not sure what the rules are, but if there were Beckham triplets, I’m in.

Considering Becks being a triplet reminded me that I wanted to do a post about “multiples”, but actually just twins, but since I don’t feel like they deserve their own post, I’ll just carry on with this random thought here.

Very simple. Twins, especially identical twins, freak me the fuck out. Really, I might add them to my ALL THINGS HEATHER IS SCARED OF LIST.

First of all, there should never be two of anyone. That means you’re not that *special. No offense, but really. And you can’t listen to your parents telling you, there is no one like you in this world because really, just look to your right. You’re probably sharing a bedroom with twin beds or better yet probably bunk beds, with the other you so yeah, someone is just like you. I’d fucking hate that.

Also, twins in general freak me out because they have the ability to seem like they are just everywhere which would lead me to believe that if all the twins joined up, they could take over the world. Let’s go over my latest example.

I’m in Bratislava in the hotel breakfast room and one girl greets me at the check-in thing. I say hi, move past and get my table. Next thing I know, when I sit down, she’s already standing there. I order my tea and see her as she goes over to the tea stand to make it, at which point I head to the waffle stand to get something to eat. Well, to my surprise, she’s already there asking me if I want a waffle. At this point, most people would have looked around to see if they were twins but since their HAIR WAS THE SAME, I just carried on like a moron and my only thought was this:

Damn. That girl is quick. Yes, that is often how my brain works. I’m so oblivious. It wasn’t until the end of the day when I saw them standing next to each other that I realized they were twins but really, they were SO identical that I couldn’t tell the difference. I suppose that’s the point, though, isn’t it?

All of this commotion about twins in my head led me to two conclusions about twins:

1. Twins are great if you can find a way to have them to make sure you get two kids in one shot and then you don’t have to spend all of your good years pregnant. Also, you will probably not have to ruin your vagina by having twins because I’m pretty sure all twins get pulled straight out of your stomach. So that’s a bonus.

2. If you are the ugly twin, you better be funny as shit. If you are also boring, you should move far away so no one knows you are exactly like someone else that’s kinda better than you.

So yeah. How I got from wanting Becks’ goodies in my mouth again to why twins freak me out, I have no idea.

*Considering I know a few sets of identical twins I will just note that while I’m sure you are special in your very own way, for the purposes of this post, you are not. Sorry.