Winter is my most hated season and it always leads to two things:
1. I dye my hair red
2. I find new resolutions/goals/hobbies to try that are meant to make me healthier and look less like I’ve been hibernating for the last ohhh, two years.
This season is no different and so me and my red hair have decided to try a juice cleanse to clean out my body. If I were to imagine what my insides looked like, if you could turn me inside out like a human wet suit, I imagine all you’d see is blackness. Black soul, black organs, black evil juice running through my veins. I’m even going to go as far as saying that if I were to have some horrific accident and die (most likely caused by midgets or snakes and probably not wine), I am POSITIVE the doctors would take one look at my organ donar card I filled out when I was 17, look back at my organs, back at the card, back at my organs and just shake their head and toss my insides in the trash. I wouldn’t even blame them for it. I’ve worked hard to obtain inner blackness.
However, after coming off another long and fun-filled work trip in a country where beer is 1 euro and the food was plentiful but not healthy, I’ve decided to try that juice cleanse I keep talking about. Even my friend Billy agreed in his own charming and different way, “H, if you want to clean out your system, you need to start just swallowing bleach.” Close to a juice cleanse. So close.
So here’s the cleanse, compliments of Skinny Confidential. I bought a food blender, which pained me to do so, went to the store last night and I was up and mashing and juicing a batch before work this morning. All of this almost killed me.
Juicer’s Three Day Cleanse
* Three days of juices, eight ounces every hour for eight hours, lots of water in between & lean protein with veggies after 6 pm.
Day 1: Fresh 7 Liver & Kidney Detox
Blend 6 apples, 6 beets, 7 large carrots, 7 pieces celery, 4 cucumber, & 3 juiced lemon together [ 8 oz. every hour for 8 hours ].
Day 2: Fresh 6 Green Drink
Blend 6 apples, 7 celery, 4 whole cucumber, 3 handfuls of ginger, 3 handfuls of parsley & 3 handfuls of spinach together [8 oz. every hour for 8 hours ].
Day 3: Fresh 9 Super Colon Detox
Blend 6 beets, 7 large carrots, 7 pieces of celery, 4 whole cucumber, 3 handful of ginger, 3 juiced lemons, 4 handfuls of lettuce, 3 handfuls of parsley & 4 handfuls of kale [ 8 oz. every hour for 8 hours ].
Now while I’m sure these people know what they’re doing and they are very healthy to begin, meaning this type of thing wouldn’t even phase them, here are a few of my own personal thoughts.
Are you SERIOUS about how many vegetables and apples I have to buy and then consume? Really? The only way this makes sense is if you are running your own produce stand, which I’m not. Currently at my house, I’m running a mac and cheese factory and a Girl Scout cookies shop.
Second, I am going spend three full days in the bathroom. I’m considering asking my boss if I can just work from my master bath and call it a week. This seems like the healthy attempt at colon blow. Great. Looking forward to that.
Third, I am currently on glass four of eight and I feel like all I’ve been doing is swallowing pulp and thinking of turkey sandwiches. Oh, and bonus, I now know what liquid beets taste like. Dwight Schrute would be SO proud of me.
And fourth, now that I’ve already started and the fat girl inside my head keeps asking for chips and if I want Mexican for dinner mostly because that fat girl is evil, I give myself two more hours until I launch fully into raging bitch mode, which I imagine will last until I get to eat grilled cheese again.
Oh, one last thing. You cannot wash beets off your hands or your counter. Beets should really come with a fucking warning label.