So today at the conference I decided to pair a loud dress with fishnets and tossed in a side of straight hair. Usually whatever I’m wearing starts some conversation, but normally I just pass it off because I am one of 6 girls here out of 280 people and if you have a vagina and set of tits, you are going to be talked about anyway.
Sometimes, though, when dealing with my international pals, we deal with the lost in translation effect, like the time my pal from Serbia said,
“I would very much like to pleasure you with coffee.” Hmm.
So today I wish I could say the conversation I took part of was like that, but I was talking to Americans so I have no idea what to blame it on.
During this morning’s coffee break, I’m standing by myself, drinking my tea, just waiting for the next request or problem to fix. Two nice gentlemen from the States walk up to me and say hi and then jump right into it.
“She just can’t look like a hockey mom wearing those tights.” The both stared at my tights, which today are a classy version of fishnets. They are also going to apparently talk about me as though I’m not standing there.
“I didn’t say she looked like a hockey mom. I said…” The other one started to carry on before he friend interupted him again.
“Well she just doesn’t with those tights. Heather, you don’t look like a hockey mom.” And then they both smiled, like they had told me good news.
Now where shall we begin with this? First of all, the beautiful paint creation above is my attempt to show you what I was wearing today and then go further to elaborate on these thoughts below. Moving on.
1. I’m pretty sure I know what a soccer mom looks like but what the hell does a hockey mom look like? Ok. If they were Canadian, I could just blame their country for loving hockey and assume that they compare everything in life to hockey and so of course we’d be talking about hockey moms. But I wasn’t talking to Canadians so I have no idea what the hell a hockey mom is.
2. I’m sure it’s a trashier version of a soccer mom but I’m not that offended because a. that makes sense and b. I feel like hockey moms are awesome compared to soccer moms because soccer moms have short haircuts usually only meant for lesbians and they wear khakis and cardigans and they bring oranges to kids school events and I feel like, though I’ve never met one, a hockey mom will choke you with her bare hands, drives a truck and will tell you to fuck off at a game if your kid checks her kid. So that sounds ok to me. If that’s what a hockey mom is.
3. Why were they having an outside conversation about me looking like a hockey mom before coming over to me?
4. OHMYGOD IF THEY WERE TRYING TO CALL ME SARAH PALIN I AM GOING TO FUCKING LIGHT SOMEONE ON FIRE.
5. If anyone is calling you a mom of any sort, are they secretly calling you fat because obviously that’s what I’m thinking but then again, that’s what eating 8 boxes of girl scout cookies will do so that’s fair but also uncalled for.
6. Why are men so amazed with tights with holes all in them? Oh right, perverts.
7. Why can I not even talk to people from my own damned country without wondering what the hell just happened?
It’s only Monday. It’s going to be a long week of insulting compliments. I can tell already.
**Soccer mom photo taken from: http://www.carthage.edu/soccer/camp/soccer-mom-camp/
Hockey mom photo taken from: http://bleacherreport.com/articles/418877-99-percent-of-the-people-you-will-meet-at-an-nhl-game