The art of the perfect closing

Today I’ve spent at least two hours harassing Mr. H about the new closing he’s inserted as part of his signature block. Poor guy, but this type of stuff really sets me off.

First, I should note that I like a good sig block. However, I do not like it when people add a salutation or closing to it. That means every damned email and reply you ever send includes a closing, which is too much. If I send an email to one of my girlfriends saying I need a drink, it does not have to be signed.

Acceptable email coming from me:
Caroline,
This staff meeting I’m sitting in is going to make my head explode. Please bring me vodka STAT. Seriously.

Heather Hopkins
Event Coordinator
company
phone/email

See? My sig block (which is actually much better than that one vague one I just included) is still on the email but my friend doesn’t need me to sign her email.

Unacceptable email sent from me:
Caroline,
This staff meeting I’m sitting in is going to make my head explode. Please bring me vodka STAT. Seriously.

Best,
Heather

Heather Hopkins
Event Coordinator
company
phone/email

Sometimes, you just don’t have to close, which is why I hate the automatic, always included closing.

Which leads me to today’s harassment session.

All of a sudden, Mr. H’s emails to me included a very vile closing IN EVERY ONE OF HIS EMAILS, right above his signature block. I can’t quite pinpoint why I hate this particular closing so much, but maybe because when I picture him saying it out loud, it sounds awful.

Kindest regards,
Mr. H

Instead of harassing him directly at first, I decided that in my next email to him, I was going to end with my very own closing and see if he noticed.

Mr. H,
Do you want to go to lunch off base somewhere? I’m tired and bored. Chinese buffet. Woo.

With hateful intentions,
Heather Renee Smith Hopkins

He did not find this amusing and gave me the nice version of fuck off and told me it’s in all of his signature blocks now.

Dear Mr. H,
That’s EVEN WORSE.
You sound light in your loafers. Or like an eager old woman. Leave it at regards.

With sunshine and glitter and warm cupcakes,
The one and only Mrs. H

He wasn’t even laughing. Instead he just ignored me and made a lunch suggestion. With a closing, of course.

Do you want to get Mexican for lunch?
Kindest regards,
Mr. H

Now I was so tickled with myself that I kept going.

Yes, Mexican. I’m in.

With dreams of pretty things and obviously ponies,
Heather S. Hopkins

He was starting to draw the line with my boredom fueled antics.

Enough of the bullshit tag lines, Heather.
Kindest regards,
Mr. H

Not until I say stop, Mr. H, and I was not done. I carried it into lunch.

What’s so wrong with it? he asked and crossed his arms.

It’s stupid. You sound too eager. You don’t have to tell me you’re being kind. You sound like a girl. I figured I would keep it simple.

Then what? What closing should I use then? Hmph. He didn’t really want my opinion. We all know that. I think he was trying to trick me into proving I had nothing better.

But I did. I always do.

What’s wrong with “best wishes” or how about just “best”? That’s what I use. Seems to work well and it doesn’t sound stupid. Also, you could go all in and sign your shit “high five!” Yes, high five. That’s awesome. I’ve done it many times and it always brightens a day or two. Try that one, even though it’s mine.

I am such a giver.

He was going to keep fighting me on this.

No. I’ve tried “best” before and I’m over it. It’s so 90s. At this I rolled my eyes because it is so NOT 90s. He carried on.

But I agree with you on the high five. I just can’t, though. It’s not professional enough.

I had to agree slightly but then no, I thought better of giving in.
No, I disagree. Anyone that doesn’t like a high five can fuck themselves. Do you see how fucking excited people get to give and receive a high five? It’s like hand slapping magic. Who doesn’t like a high five? And a virtual, through email high five? Awesome. Great way to end an email. And I don’t care how high up you are or professional you are. If you can’t appreciate a fucking high five at the end of an email, then I am not emailing you anymore.

Seriously, how happy are these people?

Which is the moral of this very long story I’ve just told. If you don’t appreciate the value of a high five used as a closing for email, then sorry, but you can go to hell.

If this doesn't help my argument, nothing will


Case closed, I win.