The other night I woke up with a start at 3am and knew something was wrong. I felt a huge sense of anxiety and kept my eyes closed as I practiced my fake heavy sleep breathing noise, which is what I do when some noise at night scares me. I either play dead or I play asleep.
I heard heavy footsteps coming down my hall. Heavy footsteps that got closer and closer until they stopped outside my door. I quickly checked for the dogs but knew it wasn’t them. This was the sound of heavy boots. My dogs sound like they’re tap dancers.
I reached over and felt that Mr. H was dead to the world. He would be useless to me in burglar attack and I figured it would cause too much commotion to wake him up because the boots were already outside the door. I was going to have to pretend I was asleep. This seemed to work sometimes on Law and Order.
Then it stopped. I allowed myself to breathe.
But then I felt it. This heaviness that filled the room and swooshed from the door to my side of the bed and then stopped again. The windows were closed. Nothing should be moving, especially since the door was shut as well.
And nothing moved again. It just stayed right next to me for almost three minutes (or a million if you were in my head) and then it was gone. The heaviness left and the footsteps walked back down the hall.
I waited another minute to breathe…an all-time record for me, I think, as I can only stay under water about twelve seconds.
I tried to tell the Mr. about it the next day and he just stopped me when I said something about footsteps and said to me, “Don’t. Stop.”
We have a rule about scaring each other for no reason. We both blame that fucking bullshit movie Paranormal Activity.
Anyway. Being scared of noises and ghosts and horror movie type things doesn’t happen to me a lot. Being scared of bizarre and irrational circumstances happens more often. And so, in the spirit of scaring the hell out of myself, here are a few things that would cause me to up and die if they happened. And I assume they’ll all happen to me, which makes it even more odd.
Things that scare me that probably scare no one else in the world
1. Having someone throw a snake at me. Yes, I am scared of snakes in general but I really lose my fucking mind at the thought of one being tossed at my head. This is one reason I never stand next to the snake holding people at the circus or the zoo. You never know when they could toss it at you to be funny. Funny or assholes.
2. Having someone lying under my car in a dark parking lot and cutting my Achilles with a knife as I try to unlock the car. I’ve read that bullshit like that happens around Christmastime. Good luck to everyone going to the mall. Also, I think this was actually a rumor that I heard, not read, but I still believe it anyway.
3. Tripping and falling and cracking a tooth. Mostly the thought of my tooth ripping through my lip. And also not having two front teeth. Or a whole lip. This fear is based on vanity alone. And my constant ability to fall over nothing.
4. A clown in a parade spotting me in a crowd and racing towards me, smiling and waving. Fuck that. I’d just pass out.
5. Someone that hates me tossing acid in my face and ruining said face. I think this has happened to a very small percentage of people in life and I’ve only seen it once or twice on Oprah and I think it involved an angry and fucking batshit ex OR some weird cultural/religious ritual/punishment but either way, I’m positive it could happen to me. Then again, wait. Didn’t this happen to the singer Seal? I think it might have and he turned out alright. In fact, he married Heidi “The Body” Klum. Hmmm. I might need to get over this one.
6. Losing my voice. This one should be obvious.
7. Being chased in the dark. I encounter this every time I do laundry in the basement at night. I’m that person that shuts off the light and runs as fast as I can (not fast at all) up the stairs until I’m in the living room or around other people, at which point I stop running fast, catch my breath and look like, What? I totally wasn’t just running away from the dark.
I think that might be it for this week. I figured since you’re all caught up in holiday madness and cheer, you would like a reminder that some of us are just acting insane like it’s any other time of year. 🙂