Reasons I’m moving to France

Today I’ll list the two three reasons I need to move to France.

1. I am an educator of the world around here. Ha. Well, in my head I am. But sorry, that’s what happens when you get asked to start teaching French kids American history and viola! I am not only an American Ambassador to the world, I am also a mentor. Here is a picture of me in my teacher outfit, which could be confused with a date night outfit you may or may not wear when you want The Sex.

The only thing missing were my glasses.

But hey, it’s France and I wasn’t going to show up looking like a frumpy American for a bunch of twelve year old French kids. We all know twelve year olds are the worst judgers.

Anyway, I had just left the map where I pointed out the most important parts of my lesson:
a. Where Disney World was, obviously important to this audience

b. Where all the movie stars live, because they love American films

c. New York City, which always gets the most aaaaahhhh ooooohhhss. WE LOVE NEW YORK CITY! This is usually the part where I tell them that NYC is only nice during Christmas and otherwise is full of nothing but homeless people, crime, dirt and shopping

d. Maine, where my family lives and all the lobsters and lastly,

e. Massachusetts, where the Pilgrims ate dinner and home of the best sports teams in America.

I carried on my lesson with the story of the Pilgrim’s journey, their hard year adjusting to the New World and their friendship with Squanto and the good years to follow. I left out the part about land thievery and murdering the Natives. I would need a week for that.

The best part of the presentation was my explanation of a typical Thanksgiving day. I told them the day unfolds in this order.
1. If you’re lucky, your parents are cooking for you and you sleep in late.

2. You eat a snack and get into your warm clothes. If your parents are booze hounds, you probably kick off the day with a mimosa or bloody. All kids understand the word cocktail and I said mummy and daddy so I wasn’t pushing booze on them.

3. You go outside and either stack wood, chop wood or play in the woods. I realized this is probably only typical to kids from New England but fuck it, they don’t know better.

4. Around 1 or 2pm you eat your first round of turkey, mashed potatoes, stuffing, sweet potatoes, cranberry sauce, green bean casserole, rolls, excessive amounts of gravy, pumpkins pie and maybe some of those little pearl onions if shit gets crazy.

5. Announce to your family what you’re thankful for this year. Be sure to list your family first. *Announcing such things as, I’m thankful for being STD free or having nice nipples still, are not typically acceptable and should be replaced with, I’m thankful that I’m not homeless, that people still speak to me and that it looks like the Pats will be in the playoffs this year, are better options.

6. Drink as much wine as you can fit in during a two hour dinner. Try not to offend your sister or mother in law and try not to horrify your grandmother. This takes great effort during family holidays.

7. Naptime, hopefully performed in a recliner by the fire. If not, you just nap wherever your body shuts down.

8. Football watching and eating a turkey/stuffing/cranberry sauce/gravy sandwich

9. Nap again

10. Pie time while watching more football

I felt like this was a pretty great description of present day Thanksgiving. I was only thrown off by the fact that they had never heard of cranberry sauce before, as they don’t have cranberries. I told them I’d bring some back next year.

All in all, it was a great presentation on my part. It ended with loud clapping and everyone passing me by, practicing their exits shouting, GOODBYE!! GOODBYE!! Very cute.

So that’s reason 1 I need to move to France.

Reason number 2, and maybe more compelling.
I FOUND MY MOST FAVORITE JUICE IN THE WORLD. Yesterday, while shopping for our last Thanksgiving dinner treats, I decided to browse the juice selection, hoping there would be SOME juice similar to the one I have been lusting over for 5 years. And, lucky for me, I FOUND IT and then remembered that it was one of last year’s New Year’s/Life Resolution and so we can check that one off the list.

Upon seeing the juice, I got so excited, I fell to my knees and started hoarding the bottles, snatching them off the shelf and tossing them in the cart like someone was about to fight me for my juice. I also shrieked loudly, breathlessly and then half shouted “CHRRIIIIIIIIIIS. OHMYGOD CHRISSSSSSS. THE JUICE! THE JUICE!”
Keep in mind, he was fifty yards away from me.

Five French people turned to look at me and turned their heads curiously, probably wondering who the hell the American was, sitting on the floor in a bright red coat, surrounded by framboise juice, shrieking and making animal sounds. I didn’t care. I just kept tossing juice in until I had bought them out.

And here is my juice, which will be hidden in my basement at home and drank only by deserving people if and when I deem them fit to drink my juice.

And lastly, reason 3 I’m moving to France.
The stationary selection is outrageous. There is no shortage of pretty paper that’s soft to the touch and I’m about to go spend a paycheck on a few new collections.

So there you have it. I need to find a job in France. Add it to my resolutions list for 2012.

*I didn’t actually tell the kids they should be thankful for those things. I was very polite.