I meant to write about this awhile ago, but forgot. Lucky for everyone that I remembered today and have nothing better to write about and so The International it is.
A few weeks ago, I was having a lengthy conversation with a friend about dildos. I’m not sure what started it. It could have been
that I have been forced to toss The Rabbit, because I just ruined it over time and countless battery refills. Or it could have been that I don’t actually understand jamming something up you when you diddle unless it vibrates or wiggles around. Could just be me, though.
“I think they should make dildos with hoodies.” She offered before 10am one day.
“Well, I didn’t see that one coming. I suppose they should. They might already, though I’ve never seen one.” They would be the porn world. I would have to consult them that night when I was not on my government computer. I doubt the super secret spy monitor people would like to know that I google “dildos with foreskin” at my desk at 10am. They are so fucking serious and no fun about everything.
“I shouldn’t be made to sleep with a hood-less dildo.” She said it as one would say, I shouldn’t be made to clean the toilet with no gloves, or I shouldn’t be made to eat bugs for lunch. God forbid.
“You shouldn’t. It’s inhumane, really. Especially since you love the hood so much. How dare they?” She really loves a good bit of foreskin. Honestly. This particular friend raves about extra foreskin and hooded sex like it’s better than Slim Jims and grilled cheese. I think I’ve even seen her make a gagging face when I once asked what in the world would she do if all the hoods of the world were to just up and disappear? I have no idea how that would happen, but it was worth warning her about.
“I shouldn’t. I wouldn’t be able to focus. I’d be lying there thinking about what I’m missing, resenting the normal dildo.”
I was wondering where she was finding all these hooded men she was sleeping with, considering she lives in the Land of the Cut. DC has a pretty good market of men from around the world but I spent a good number of years banging around when I lived there and I never once encountered a surprise hood in my sexual adventures.
“We wouldn’t want you resenting anything while you were jamming plastic up yourself, now would we? We should make you a hooded dildo and sell it to other hood lovers around the world.”
“Thank you. You are so thoughtful.”
Now if one friend wanted a dildo with a hood, maybe a few more would. Maybe this was my new calling. Dildo invention. I decided to consult my penis focus group, made up of six of my closest girlfriends.
“Would you use a dildo with a hood?” was the question I emailed all six of them.
Friends 1, 4 and 5 responded with: “No. Fucking gross. Stop emailing me about foreskin.”
Friends 2, 3 and 6 went with: “Yep. I’m in. Order me one.”
Keep in mind that this focus group is made up of one girl who didn’t snip her own kid because of her own amazing sexual experiences, one that is petrified of hidden bacteria, one that said she’d be willing if she could try out Rob Pattinson’s hoodie (um who WOULDN’T), one that reminded me that when a baby gets their hood snipped it looks like calamari, one that said she was too lazy to learn a peel back trick, one that told me a story that I cannot repeat here but was intriguing.
Since I had considerable interest from my American girlfriends, I had to assume the rest of the world would be on my side because they are always sleeping with hooded bandits and so I had just one more friend to consult. This friend married her husband perhaps just because he came hooded. She would go into business with me with this type of idea. I texted her.
“New invention idea. Dildo with a hoodie. Hoodie will be detachable, like a convertible car, in case your mood varies. Interested?”
She wrote back, quick as a flash.
“Very. Like the detachable option. We shall name him ‘The International’ and market it to the NATO crowd.”
The NATO crowd. I like it. The International, the box would read: Bettering the world, one hooded dildo at a time.