When your husband calls you Fu Manchu

So two weeks ago I’m talking on the phone to my sister, thanking her for sending me the facial hair remover I requested. No such thing is sold in Germany, as they believe in threading the hair straight off your face, but I’m not interested in having someone rub string on my face until the hair falls off. They’ve never heard of wax. I’ve asked around.

Timeout. Discussing girl facial hair…Yes, this is going to shock everyone with a penis, but girls have hair on their face too. And no, I’m not talking about beard-like amounts. I’m talking about some eyebrow strays and the hair that grows on my lip. Which is blonde, but STILL. It wasn’t THAT bad right now but if I see any stray hairs, I get all crazy. Especially in the summer when I swear to God, that shit tans and I look like I’m Mexican. No offense to anyone that is Mexican but really.

Anyway.

So one night, I’m mid-face cream application and I can hear Mr. H coming up the stairs talking to his parents and I know he’s giving me the in-law phone call hand-off but I just put the face cream on and it’s already in the stinging phase and I’m so excited to have no damn hair anywhere that when he walks in the bathroom, I just give him the five minutes signal and find it kind of suspect that he doesn’t even look phased that I have cream all around my mouth. Normally he doesn’t appreciate this much exposure to my daily personal upkeep.

See? I make fun of myself TOO. But no, I have no shame.

But instead he looks slightly pleased, and I just assume that he’s making fun of me.

But no, he ISN’T. He’s actually thrilled, which I find out AFTER I get off the phone with his parents, when I go to show him my splendid results.

“See? No more hair.” I am tickled with myself but I’m not really telling him so that he responds with anything.

“Oh.THANK.GOD. Really, that’s great. Looks so much better. Thank God.”
He almost fucking shouted THANKGOD at me, which totally shocked me because he WAS NOT SUPPOSED TO BE NOTICING MY LIP HAIR. Now I was in fight mode and I was squinting my eyes so hard my contacts almost popped out.

“Thank GOD? Did you just THANK GOD ME? What does that fucking mean, THANK GOD? Like YOU NOTICED??? Shut up.” God I hate it when he has an opinion.

“No really. I have seen it every morning in the car out of the corner of my eye and really, it was getting to be a bit much.” He was carrying on like someone else in the room still cared. I was going to losemyshit.

“I said SHUT UP. Maybe if you weren’t too busy being the passenger in the car EVERY DAY and minded your own business you wouldn’t be looking at me. In fact, no more looking at me.”

Two days ago, he sees me messing with the face cream again and just smiles.

“I missed two spots last time and needed to wait until I could do it again. Shut up.” I roll my eyes. I do not care if part of my secret girl routine involves cream that zaps the hair right off my face. I also shave my legs and my jage and no one thinks that’s too weird.

“Oh, I know.” He says and laughs as he walks out the door.

“What does YOU KNOW MEAN?” God, he was getting to be a bit much.

“You looked like Fu Manchu.” And with that, he shut the door and walked away.

Me, on an off week.

SonofaBITCH.