Baptists, pubes and 2 star motel bed sets. The next three chapters.

Here is a picture of my house. I keep forgetting that our families have yet to see the house and this is a nice picture I took on Sunday. Outside of being a nice picture, it has nothing to do with much, which on this blog at least makes sense.

Now that I’ve inserted a picture that makes no sense in this post, we’ll move on to discussing the fact that I’m a bit stuck on blog topics lately. Last week I had a good week and this week, I am just not motivated to blog. Too distracted. That and I promised myself to write three stories for my book that I haven’t actually written yet and it’s just not going well because I am beyond lazy and have this odd sleep sickness that has taken over my life. That and I’m bound to offend at least two people with these stories, primarily because they’re awesome. However, David Sedaris tells honest stories about his family and friends that are hilarious and he seems to be doing just fine in life and so yes, writing funny stories shall beat out not offending people. Now here is a preview of the next three stories I’m writing.

The first story is about a small church in Berwick, Maine, that insists on healing people with the behavior I like to classify as bat-ass crazy (Which in case you’re wondering is actually a type of crazy. When I doubted myself with that whole idiom problem thing I have, it appeared on urban dictionary, which much like wikipedia, is my source for all things that are true. Kidding. Kind of.). This story involves a little scene with people waving their hands over their heads, speaking in tongues and making people’s legs grow. It ends with me smoking behind the church. It’s a winner, I promise.

Wait, now I have a question. Are Baptists the only people who wave their hands over their hands with their eyes closed, weeping and shouting PRAISE JESUS and then fainting, or no? (I tried to include a picture to be sure you were clear about what I was talking about but googling “crazy religious people waving hands over head while crying and acting insane” only brought up pictures of Jesus crying and that seemed a bit much to post on a Tuesday. I will accept any pictures any of you can find, though, or if not, I will draw you one tomorrow)

The second story is called King of Trident (that shit is copyrighted so I don’t want to read any other stories by the same name in the near future or I will fight someone) and it does not involve the ruler of the Sea or anything else that I learned in mythology. It involves me having to cut Trident gum out of some kid’s sexy region and it also involves me acting like a gymnast and an unfortunate situation where I found myself wearing white tube socks. Mr. H rolled his eyes when I said I was going to write this one but everyone loves a story about gum in pubes so I feel compelled to give the world what it wants. I am a giver, what can I do?

The last story is set in Panama City beach, circa 1999, and involves a night where a blue tarp, the police, a two star motel bedset and a porta potty are all key characters, especially the blue tarp. It’s probably one of my favorite stories to tell, though I don’t tell it a lot because I am also a main character and it was not one of my finest moments in life. Or was it? Jury is still out.

So, in case you were wondering, the above is what’s keeping me (not) busy lately.

Also, please notice the amount of items I thought to tag is almost as long as the actual post. I should stop doing that.