It’s like I’m almost an orphan

And yes, this is my blog so I’m allowed to be that dramatic. Speaking of dramatic, I pretty much own dramatic, example right here:


I was going to write about the book challenge I’ve accepted but that will have to wait until tomorrow because NEWSFLASH, my parents don’t love me anymore and that seems more important to me right now.

I’ve been banned by my step-father on facebook. He’s banished me into the world of social networking SILENCE and so now, since my parents (ok, only one out of the three that remain, BUT STILL, this is my story) have pretty much left me on the streets without their love, I have taken back their invitation to Europe to come visit. And my arms are crossed, my feet are stomping and I am motherfucking hmphing all around this place.

“Why do you care?” My friends ask. My husband asks. The stupid little logical man living in my head asks.

“Because none of the other kids have been banned and I didn’t even KNOW I was banned and then this bullshit happens.” But in fairness, I think my brother is not even friends with my stepdad on facebook but I’m pretty sure that was his doing because he knows better.

“Do they write about sex and dildos and other insane things and swear every third word?” I fucking hate logical questions.

“No, they don’t, but I am the OLDEST. And they have just lost their paycheck I was going to graciously mail them when my book deal came through and now it is their fault and I hope they are happy.” Take that, parents who don’t love me.

“Oh god. You were unfriended on facebook. And besides, they were going to disown you anyway if you wrote about them in your book,” one of my friends reminded me.


And in all fairness, I wasn’t even told I was unfriended. I spent weeks trying to figure out why I couldn’t post on his wall, which is a whole other post about how *charming I am. This is how I found out.

“I know you and Andy are not coming here BEFORE DAVID HAS HIS CHILD THIS SPRING AND THAT IS GOING TO SET ME THE FUCK OFF, MOM.” I have demanded my parents come visit before my brother, the world’s Lord and Savior now that he’s birthing my parents their first grandchild, has his spawn unveiled in like April.

“And I wrote to Andy about it on facebook but he didn’t answer AND WHY CAN I NOT POST ON HIS PAGE AGAIN? I told you about this weeks ago. What is going on?” It did not occur to me that my parents stopped loving me while I wasn’t looking.

Awkward silence, which my mother is not good at.


“Well WHAT? DID HE BLOCK ME? He blocked me, DIDN’T HE???????? No one else is blocked. I want answers.” I am a social networking pitbull.

“Wellll, he just thought you were a bit too much.” Like that was a reasonable explanation.

“A bit too much? A BIT TOO MUCH? I am going to call my sister. Invitation for Europe? CANCELLED.”

Then I called my sister, who loves this shit and will not feel one bit sorry when she tells me our parents like me the least now, because YES, I AM POSITIVE THAT IS WHAT THIS MEANS.

She answers and I skip the greeting.

“You are not going to believe what our mother just told me. Did you know that I am BLOCKED from writing on Andy’s facebook page?? And I have already checked. None of you are. JUST ME. Are you aware of their behavior?”

Insert my sister laughing for two minutes straight and then ignoring me to yell to her husband, “Hey Derek, Heather just found out Andy unfriended her on facebook.”

Then she gets back to me JUST as I’m registering that she changed my word BLOCKED to UNFRIENDED which ummmmmmm, is different. Blocked is like disowned and unfriended is like fucking orphaned.

“Yeah, I know. We talked about it at dinner the other night.” She is referring to these charming family dinners my mother still throws even though I CANNOT EAT HER FOOD FROM OVER HERE.

“I’m sorry. What??? DID YOU JUST SAY UNFRIENDED? UNFRIENDED?????? I have to go call mom again.” Click.

My mother doesn’t answer and so I text her that I have been informed of their plots against me at dinner, I am hurt and they are no longer invited to Europe. While we’re at it, Christmas has been cancelled and I am joining the circus because that’s what orphans do. Then I call Katie back. Katie who is still LAUGHING.

“What was said at dinner?” I am demanding quotes and I am picturing my mother hosting an early Thanksgiving in which she’s laid out place cards that read, “Tonight’s discussion: Things we can do to break your older sister’s heart.”

“Just something about how you were asking why you can’t write on his page and that you’ve been unfriended because he doesn’t want his friends seeing what you write and you turn up on his feed and so you had to go.” White noise in my head mode has set in. I looked around the room to see what I could flip over.

Well. Isn’t that cute? Fine. Be that way. And so I went home and looked for new parents on the internet last night. And then today when I spoke to my sister again, I checked again.

“Did Mom tell you that I have uninvited them and that I am mad at her? Because I am. I’ll have you know she said no such dinner conversation took place.”

“She said something about being unhappy. I did remind her she was not only at that dinner, but a part of that conversation she doesn’t seem to remember.”

“What else?” There must be more to this conversation about breaking my heart on a Tuesday DURING BIRTHDAY MONTH.

“And nothing. You’ve been unfriended.” She laughed again, just like a middle child would.