When your hair takes over and dreads….

Alright. I’m getting concerned. My hair has taken over and done what it wants and apparently it wants to dread itself like a Jamaican.

Not quite here, but in my head I am.


So now I assume people are probably whispering about whether or not I sell weed out of my house.*

Seriously, though. During the exercise, I’m playing with my hair, one of my many terrible, nervous habits, and my hand gets stuck. So I’m all, what the fuck is the problem. I only use conditioner on my hair, have used a brush maybe 4 times in my life because my fingers are just fine, thankyouverymuch, and I never use anything that requires heat on my head.

Now all that being said, I’m used to having crazy and chaotic and unruly hair. I love it. I’d hate to think of what my life would turn into if I had to put this thing called effort into getting ready in the morning.

But this, this dread nonsense is a bit much. Not only do I have ONE dread. I’m up to counting FIVE, and those are only the ones I can feel and see. There may be more.

So we’re at this amount right now.

Focus on the amount of nappy hair, not the duck face I'm making.

And this is a close-up of my nappy hair.

Told you.


WHICH REMINDS ME. This is a perfect example of how to use the word NAPPY.

“Shit, my hair is wicked nappy today. I have NO IDEA why it’s dreading itself. Weird.”

So anyway. I tell my coworker about my hair again and show her.

“I’m going to cut all these parts out. Let’s cut them off right now with the office scissors.” I assume she’ll love this idea, as it’ll give us a fun project for the day.

“We’re not cutting off your hair.” She looks at me like I’m losing my mind. I assumed she’d be sympathetic, as she UNDERSTANDS nappy hair. She doesn’t have nappy hair, but I have seen her with hair that on a bad day could get out of hand in the nappy nature and she is my only close African-American friend with knowledge about all things African-American and if I’m not Jamaican, I’m just turning African-American in general and SHE IS, so this is technically why I’m consulting her. Like the time I consulted her about African-American girls getting eyebrow tattoos. She was full of wisdom then. This time, however, she says,

“Just get a damned brush and brush your hair for once.”

Like that’s the motherfucking solution.

And besides, I already know the real solution.

Helloooooooooooooooooo pixie cut.

*Which I do not. Besides, that would be impossible in Germany. It would require Germans to grow something that if taken, would lead them to calm the fuck down. Doesn’t exist.