Wooo. The weekend is finally here. This week seems like an especially long week, though I’ve done almost nothing to earn any relaxation. Well, I did mow the lawn last night, but I consider that more therapy than yardwork. I can work out some real aggression on that lawn…

Anyway. Back to my laziness.

My narcolepsy is getting out of control. Three times this week I’ve fallen asleep by 9pm and only one of those times can be blamed on day drinking wine again. Ok, so I don’t fall asleep mid conversation or while sitting up, but I’m taking napping to a new extreme. If napping were an Olympic sport, Gold Winner, right here?

Sidenote. When can we change the Olympic rankings? White gold is a better option than gold and obviously platinum is the winner. I want the new ranking to be 3. Pewter because it kind of looks dirty and third place mine as well be last place. 2. White gold, because that’s what girls get when their fiance doesn’t spring on platinum, so technically you’re kind of good enough, ALMOST, which is exactly what second place is and then 1. Platinum because you deserve a metal that most people can’t afford if you are NUMERO UNO in something INTHEWORLD.

Just my random thoughts on the outdated Olympic rewards system.
Now. Back to my random Friday. I’ve encountered three other things, outside of my outrageous narcolepsy, that are equally out of control and set me off with ease…but I’m easily set off, so I guess it’s not saying much. Let’s review them, though.
1. Teenagers. Honestly, they are all a bad lot. They are awkward and ugly and wear things that I should only be seeing on American Idol and each one thinks that only their world is ending. Between the braces and zit and uncontrollable boners and girls crying in bathrooms and the perfected looks of indifference, I just want to walk up to a group of them and be like, “Sweetheart, your world is not fucking over. Enjoy handjobs and wine coolers and smoking behind the movie theater while you can. Life becomes bullshit in about 10 years, full of responsibility you will never want, so enjoy your life filled with skateboards and Twilight movies and FYI, that look of indifference and pained angst only looks good on Rob Pattinson and you are no Rob Pattison.”

2. Foodcourts. This is where I found all the teenagers today. I should have stayed away. Foodcourts are awful. They smell like grease and they are no good if you don’t want to run into people and in this case, the one on base is filled with teenagers and white trash. Nothing good ever comes out of foodcourts. Case in point, I walked out with 760 calories swallowed right down that hatch and I can already feel my thighs expanding, so kudos to me for another brilliant lunch choice.

3. Hot water. I don’t actually hate hot water today and hot water can’t actually be out of control because it’s actually pretty controlled, being hot and all, but I hate the person that leaves the water handle thing pushed all the way to the scald the skin off your hand side because I never look and I always turn it on and shove my hands under and fuck me, I melted my hands today. So what I’m getting at is improper bathroom etiquette is out of control. Yet another reason I don’t believe in hand washing. This is 100% true. I feel like wiping your hands on your pants is enough. Germs will not kill you but I’m pretty sure boiling water can. I think.

I’d love to write more of my thoughts down for you but I’m off to drink a bevvie in the sun. I had a killer day at work and mama wants a cocktail.

Happy weekend, playas.