Ask Heather: The wanking edition

I feel like I’m due for an inappropriate post. Are we ready to see if I can get myself blacklisted from the internet? Let’s give it a try….

So today’s post goes out to all the grabby boys in the world. To the 12-18 year olds that maybe aren’t having sex yet. To those that try to set world records. To those with no shame. This one is for you.

Dear H,
I came home the other day and walked in on my husband jerking off in the kitchen. I was horrified. We have sex enough, so I feel betrayed. I’m also disgusted that he was in the kitchen. What am I supposed to say or do?

Well, for starters, I’ll just let you know straight away that there’s nothing you can do. Nothing. Telling a guy to stop getting grabby with himself is like taking water away from a fish. He might just fucking up and die on you. Or, he’ll just go do it in the garage or the shower or when you’re sleeping. Guys need only a few things in life: sports, beer, other guys, their mothers, frozen pizza and the ability to jerk off every time they see something/think of something/hear something/smell something that makes them hard. Or horny. Or bored. Or makes them feel nothing at all but it seemed like a good idea.

It has to be understood that there is a huge difference between girls rubbing one out and guys giving it to themselves. I’ll be fair and just use myself as an example. Reasons I’ve violated myself:
1. I am out of control turned on by god knows what but it needs to be handled.
2. I’m bored on a Sunday and too lazy to go do something like running so why not.
3. I’m drunk.

Those are the only reasons I usually put in any effort.

Guys, though?

Reasons guys wank off:
1. The sun is shining
2. Angelina/Scarlett/Cameron/whoever was just on the screen/in their head/on a magazine they saw/in a movie they saw ten years ago
3. It’s Tuesday
4. They’re bored.
5. They had a good day/bad day/got a raise/was fired/it’s their birthday/today is any day listed on the calendar
6. It’s raining/snowing
7. Football isn’t on
8. You didn’t have sex with them.
9. You did have sex with them.
10. They can’t control themselves

There are a million reasons guys jerk off, many making sense, most not making any sense. I mean really. I’ve had a number of friends tell me they’ve done this in the bathroom at work. Unless you’re getting phone sex during lunch or your boss is really hot, or you can watch porn at your desk, I’m not sure what the reason would be that you have to give it to yourself during your 9-5. In this case, I’d say you’re behaving like an animal.

In the kitchen? I’d say that’s pretty mild. One of my friends that I discussed this with said, “Shit, I jerked off in the bathroom at the golf course this morning right before I teed up, just because.” Furthermore, I’ve known a few guys that can’t keep their hands off themselves in the car. LIke on the way to the store or work, not like road trip in the car. To me, that seems fucking dangerous. I know when I get all, OhmygodI’malmostdone, I lose all self-control and I’m sure I close my eyes and freak out and all of those things do not go well in a car. Just guessing. I wouldn’t worry about the kitchen too much. To be honest, he’s probably sprayed his unborn children all over your fucking house, garage and car. If I were you, I would not invest in a blacklight. I’d just pretend you don’t care, get some ammonia out, go to town cleaning and try to forget about the fact that you wonder if he shot it all over your stove or counters. Worse things in the world have happened.

And it doesn’t matter that you are sleeping with him. Congratulations, you don’t suck at being a wife. Good for you. Seriously, though, you could screw him every day and twice on Saturdays and he would still do it. I have one friend that keeps a tally and he tells me his best day is 9 times but he’s disappointed because he’s really shooting for more like 13. 13 times? Do you fucking work??? Jesus. Like I said, though…They NEED it. No guy in life has ever been satisfied by the amount of sex he’s getting. He’s too busy being crazy about how much more sex he could be having. Ask them, they’ll tell you. They’re all a bunch of selfish, vagina hungry, aggressive crazies.

And I do mean crazy. When I consulted a few of my closest, dirtiest male friends about this, I got more feedback than I bargained for and they all answered relatively the same way.
I asked, Boys, where is the weirdest place you’ve jerked off AND/OR what is the weirdest thing you’ve used? Below, I will list the answers.

Oh good god. You didn’t know THEY USED THINGS? Of course they do. At the very least, half the time they use their weak hand (called “The Stranger”), or sit on their good hand (“Old Familiar”) to make it go to sleep. It’s like screwing a new girl. (slightly weird, because not the same at all as getting a new jage experience but who knows)

For girls, you have two options: toys and your hands. End of story. If there is a girl that’s gone to more extremes, I’d love to hear about it, but I think we’re pretty simple. (Right now I am actually trying hard to think of a time where I could have been rubbing myself up against something on purpose but nope, not really coming up with anything)

Guys, though? Guys are sick fucks. No way around it. I am now going to prove it to you.

Items that are NOT vaginas/hands that men I know have jerked off with:
In between two couch cushions (I would love to walk in on that one)
Panties that do not belong to them or their wife
A glass of water (I am lost on this one)
A holiday pie (as a result of that movie, no doubt)
A vacuum attachment, while the vacuum was on (that fucking seems dangerous)
Empty banana peel heated up in the microwave (Are you fucking serious?)
A cardboard toilet paper roll with shampoo in it (how the fuck thick are you???)
A fake jage made out of latex, fashioned to look like Jenna Jameson or some other adult actress, referred to as “The Professional”
Cantaloupe
In saran wrap
With a scarf (who knows at this point)
In a jar of bockworst where the middle sausage is removed (I’m honestly going to throw up)

Actually, that last one threw even me over the edge. I’m not going to list more. And there are a million more. So, moral of this story is, if you caught your husband wanking off in the kitchen, WITH HIS HAND, consider yourself lucky and quit your bitching.