Becoming a Children’s Book Writer…

Newsflash, world. Today is a good day. I’ve spent all day in bed. I’m playing around on the internet and drinking soda with ice and I feel like today, I’m really back to my normal self. I am 100% sure of it, due to the first two topics that popped into my head today when I thought about what I could blog about.

My first thought was, What inappropriate children’s books could I write in my spare time and what would the titles be? This started because 1. I really love that book, Go the FUCK to Sleep. I know, I know, I’ve already written about it before but I have friends tell me about the books they are forced to read to children about things only people hooked up to life support could appreciate. Like fucking milk or ducks or talking bears that wear clothing, which is just fucking stupid because the world doesn’t even MAKE BEAR CLOTHING.

Actually, I’m not sure if that bear clothing part is true or not. I’ve seen bears at the circus wearing little hats and tutus but those are people clothing, not made for bears, right?

This bear is not at the circus, but at a hockey game but THIS IS THE SHIT I AM TALKING ABOUT.

How do I know so much about children’s books, being sans kinder? Well, besides the fact that I’m well versed in life generally, I’ve done my fair share of babysitting. Babysitting was my last resort before prostitution to get by in DC and in all honestly, the only reason I ever did it over say, sucking dick on the side was because 1. rich people buy some pretty awesome groceries 2. bathing children and putting them to bed does not require brain surgeon type skills and 3. most kids go to bed before 8 and that means three quiet hours of watching HBO shows that I don’t have at my house. Oh, and I used to charge $20/hour because LOOK AT ME, I am an almost 30 year old that will watch your child and no, I will not invite my boyfriend over to screw him on your couch and no, I will not steal your pills and no, I will not drink your booze. Vision of watch your child responsible, yep, that was ME. But anyway, back to the books. Here are a few titles I’m considering moving forward with in my new career of Inappropriate Children’s Book Writer.


Why DON’T I THINK OF THIS SHIT FIRST? Really, this is a brilliant idea.

TITLES OF BOOKS I’M GOING TO WRITE AND SELL TO MY EQUALLY INAPPROPRIATE FRIENDS SO THEY CAN READ THEM TO THEIR CHILDREN UNTIL THEY GROW TO BE ABLE TO UNDERSTAND ENGLISH (whatever the fuck age that may be)

1. I Hope You Don’t Grow Up to Be A Disappointment
2. Your Brother isn’t at College, He’s At Rehab
3. Santa isn’t Real, and other Disppointments in Life
4. The Tooth Fairy is Your Mother
5. The Easter Bunny Isn’t Real but Neither Are your Mother’s Tits
6. You Get Reduced Lunch Because We Spend Our Money On Drugs
7. You Weren’t An Accident. You Are the Result of Binge Drinking
8. I’d Sell You on the Black Market if I Knew Where to Find It.
9. Good Children Grow Up to Be Famous and Pay Off Parental Debt
10. Don’t Grow Up to be a Douche Bag
11. Don’t Blame Your Father When You Become A Stripper
12. Your stutter/lisp/cowlick/googly eye/weird laugh/gap in your tooth/tick Embarasses Mommy in Public
13. I Ruined My Vagina for THIS?
14. I Blame Your Father
15. Your Grandparents are Evil. End of Story.
16. Daddy Left Mommy for Uncle Bobby and a Life of Glitter

Haaaaaa. I am getting such a kick out of my titles. What fun. Actually, now that I write these out, I feel like they might make better teeshirts, though the, “Santa Isn’t Real and Other Disappointments in Life” seems like a really strong book title. I’m pretty good at drawing, too, when I want to be so maybe I’ll even illustrate.

Oh, and the other topic I thought of will have to wait until tomorrow, now. I didn’t realize I had so much to say about children’s books.