Awww, Germany. You are SO cute.

Germany is the land of tube meats, bier and rules. I kid you not, if Germans did not have laws, they would all losetheirshit and heads would start exploding everywhere. I am not kidding. Ask anyone.

And not just any rules. Rules of a very important nature that will ensure world order is maintained and everyone can carry on as efficiently as possible. This is VERY important. Let’s view a few of my favorites:

Do not mow the lawn in your bathing suit on the weekends. Especially if you wear a bikini and you strategically make it as little as possible to avoid tan lines. And you wear sneakers so you don’t cut your toes off. I’m not 100% sure this is a law but I know it’s not socially acceptable because the women in my neighborhood hiss at me with an evil eye and all the children are put away in the house until I am done. Guess they aren’t interested in treating themselves to the vision that is me mowing the lawn half-naked. Oh.well.

If you run out of gas on the highway (autobahn) you will be fined. Don’t worry about the fact that you’re stranded on a road with no speed limit. They’ll ask you if you’re ok after they look at you like you’re a moron and give you a ticket.

No shopping on Sundays. Everything is closed. I don’t think this has much to do with Jesus as it does relaxation. I rarely even see anyone outside on Sundays. One of my German friends told me she naps all day with the windows closed. Weird.

Pillows are considered weapons and if you dare smack someone with one, you could be fined.

In the winter, if you get into an accident that is not your fault, but you do not have your snow tires on, it is automatically your fault and you will be fined.

Wearing colors other than gray or brown is illegal. (this may or may not be what I assume the law is based on my observations)

Giving the finger or flicking your chin while driving (or I’m sure walking) will get you a fine.

Quiet time is enforced between 1130-1400 every day and all day on Sundays. During quiet hours, under NO circumstances can you mow your lawn, have the music on, vacuum your floor, shout or hold a parade in your back yard by banging pots and pans together.

Children cannot scream or make noise during quiet hours, on Sundays and after 8pm. They will be kidnapped and shipped off if they do. Just kidding about the last part. Kind of. I actually don’t mind this law because I too want all screaming children to disappear. Well done, Germans. Well done.

Under no circumstances can you shower past 6pm on Sunday night. You better be clean by 5pm or forget about it.

Do not call anyone anything related to Mr. H. (not my Mr. H, the most evil of all evil, Mr. Tiny Mustache himself) If you do, you could be arrested and fined 5000,00 euro. (I’m not sure who runs around calling other people the H word but then again, being defensive about the past doesn’t seem like a valid reason to fine the fuck out of people.)

You shall not hang your clothes outside on Sundays. You better not run the washer, either.

If a chimney sweep bangs on your door and demands to clean your chimney, you have to let them. I’m sure I’d be fine with this, though you’d think they’d have enough work to do so that they don’t have to break down your door out of boredom.

It’s illegal to wash your car at your house. Don’t you fucking dare use that hose and bucket. You better drag your ass to the gas station where they can monitor the soap levels and be sure you don’t spill wax or chemicals or Armorall on the sidewalk.

Dogs will not bark and will not shit randomly on the grass. Even if they shit in your own yard, you had better clean it before a neighbor sees it. They shall NOT be subjected to viewing such nonsense from the windows that they are ALWAYS STARING OUT OF.

Dogs rank higher than Americans on the, Things Germans like, scale and so you will not, under any circumstance, leave a dog unattended at your house without a walk for more than three hours a day. I assume this means that under no circumstance will you hold a job for more than week. Unless you are German and then you will have three hours for lunch every day, Fridays and all of July and August off. Feel free to walk your dog then.

In the winter, all snow on the walkway in front of your house must be shoveled by 0700, even on the weekends. If you don’t shovel it, you will be fined. Also, if you go outside in the middle of a snow storm at 0800, you will be the last one out to shovel and everyone will look at you and wish death upon you. It is perfectly legal to shovel while drunk, for those of you that do not arrive home until almost 0700 on a weekend.

Grilling out is typically only acceptable once or twice a month AT MOST. Neighbors should be respectful of the amount and smell of the smoke bothering others. FIRST OF ALL, as someone who could grill out year round, calm down. The smell of the BBQ is one of the best smells on earth. And Christ. Burning charcoal isn’t the worst thing in the world.

Smiling. Totally illegal.

All weeds must be pulled out of your sidewalk and none can be sticking out of your fence. Germans do not like weeds tickling them as they walk by. And weeds are vile. Also, do not even think of killing them with Round-Up, or a weed killer. This is unacceptable. You can pour vinegar on them or hand pull them or blast the fuck out of them with a torch.

Normal colored hair dye. Fucking banned. Or maybe not. Maybe I just assume this because every woman over 40 has a weird, aggressive, magenta bob.

If you go away for the weekend and it snows anyway, even though YOU DIDN’T KNOW IT WAS GOING TO SNOW, you will have a ticket waiting for you.

All parties need to end at 10pm. All fun must be stopped. And, if this is a big bash, it can only be held 1-4 times a year, depending on how nice your neighbors are. I will note that I did just attend a block party that was half German/half American attendees and we all partied til 5am so THERE. It can be done if you join forces.

Apparently you cannot tune pianos at midnight. This would mean you can’t do it on a Sunday either. I’m not sure why you’d be tuning a piano at midnight, though, so I’m fine with this.

Shoes must be worn at all times. This rule is bullshit.

Purses are not allowed in libraries. True story, ask my friend Jlaw. Next thing I know, I’ll be told lipstick is against the law. Bullshit.

I think that is all I can think of for now. I’m sure once this is read, all my living in Germany friends will think of more and I will update accordingly.

By the way, not shocking but I break all of these rules monthly. Why? You know it.

GERMANY, YOU ARE NOT THE BOSS OF ME.