Top Five Scariest Things in my Life

1. Snakes: I do not like things that slither. I do not stand behind any animal that has a tongue that forks. I don’t like the looks of their little heads and I don’t like how they swallow things whole and can detach their jaws. Never trust an animal that can unhinge a jaw.
2. Midgets: It’s the limb to head to body size proportion issue that gets me. And the stumpy fingers. And the voices. And maybe that I feel like it’s weird that adults wear clothes meant for three-year olds.
3. Clowns: Fuck clowns, seriously. Not one has ever made me laugh. And how am I not supposed to think you’re a pedophile when all you want to do is perform at the party of a child? I hate the make-up. I hate the outfits. I don’t care if your nose squeaks or how many of you can fit in a car and I DO NOT WANT A FUCKING HAT MADE FROM A BALLOON.
4. Male strippers: Gross. Just really gross. Greasy, oily, orange tanned, slick haired, ugly faced, gross. Also, jamming yourself in a pleather banana hammock and tossing your hips toward me does nothing for the jage. Also, get your chest waxed and stop shaving it with a razor. I would rather go *sexless for the rest of my life than be anywhere near a male stripper.
5. Birds.

Just kidding about the birds. I just added birds so that I could use my most favorite demotivational poster ever. If this doesn’t make you laugh every time you look it, I don’t know what will.

**The part about being sexless was a total lie used only to express my extreme hatred for male strippers.

***The rambling in this post was only written so I could post my most favorite demotivational poster ever.