So we were talking yesterday about all the antics at the bachelorette party and I really think you can tell a lot about an evening based on a few good quotes. Let’s go over a few before I get into the stories again.
“You should have seen the look on her face when you climbed into bed with her with no clothes on. She was horrified.”
“Oh shit. I don’t know why it surprised her. Four hours before that I totally told her I’d sleep with her.”
“Yeah, that’s probably the problem.”
“Where are your pants?”
“I lost them last night. I have no idea.”
“Haaaaaaaaaa. No seriously, where are your pants??”
“No, seriously, I have no idea. I think I danced them right off me.” HAAAAAAAAA because if you saw us last night, that might even make sense.
“Take your rings off and put them in the box. There will be no rings tonight.”
“Why? Because we’re pretending we’re single?”
“No. Because I’m cheap and a ring doesn’t get you a free drink. Take your fucking ring off.”
“You should have seen yourself dancing with your hands on the floor and your ass in the air. It was amazing.”
“Yeah. The only thing between me, him and a good time was a pair of khakis.”
“Speaking of khakis, why do men in the mafia always wear khakis?”
“They don’t. They wear white linen. And gold chains. And their names are Lou, and Anthony and Vinny and Joey. And they’re all from Jersey. Obviously.”
“I would totally sleep with Rob in a second. Even if it ruined my marriage.”
“Well, that’s hopeful, considering you’re not even married yet.”
So there are the top quotes of the evening. Or at least the ones that might not get me flagged again.
So the trip. The extended version.
The pregame of the party was typical girls getting ready/girls getting drunk type stuff. We shot jello shots into each other’s mouths, played some game involving underwear, watched the new Twilight trailer a few times because OHMYGOD how about the fact that Rob Pattinson breaks a fucking bed mid-THE GOOD SEX?? Jesus that sent us all into a frenzy and so I suppose like guys watch The Porn, we watch movie trailers. I’ll admit, I was totally bummed I was surrounded by the ladies the first time I watched that trailer BUT WHATEVER, I’ll get all grabby time with myself later. (like the rest of you Edward lovers won’t, you liars) So, after drinking enough liquor to kill a midget or large cat, we re-did the makeup, put on the gloss and caught the shuttle to Mohegan Sun.
But not before Katie secretly threw up before we even left and refused to wash her hands because she was hammered. The only reason I know the second part is true because at least 8 times yesterday, ONE DAY AFTER HER PARTY, she’s all, “Oh God, my hands still smell like puke,” which led me to be like, “YOU HAVE SAID THAT 5 TIMES TODAY, GOFUCKINGWASHTHEM.” Then she just looked away and read her book and I looked away and watched TV and so even now, I can’t be sure her hands are washed.
So we get to the casino and head to dinner, which ends up being at Margaritaville. Nothing too crazy happened there, outside of the fact that a ginger on stilts made us penis hats out of balloons but that didn’t actually seem too bizarre so all in all, dinner was uneventful, especially since Katie was refusing to eat her chicken because she was too busy eating our caesar salad like a fucking animal. Actually, I think we were all eating like a bunch of drunk girl animals. Anyway.
OHJESUS I almost forgot! We did do something pretty fabulous, which will help me explain the whole night. We decided the evening needed a little game that would allow us to explore the casino, so we created a scavenger hunt for Katie. Here is the list of things we decided she needed to find and if necessary, an explanation of why. Some are just awesome in general and so you don’t need me to explain.
1. Find someone with an English accent. This can be blamed on Rob Pattinson again. This came out of a conversation that started with, “Do you think sleeping with him would involve skills like knowing how to peel a banana?” Now I had no idea that everyone at the table thought it was acceptable to speak about sleeping with Rob like it really might happen and that question in general really stumped all of us because we are American and we all know what that means and then we were like, Oh jesus, well if you don’t know what you’re doing you shouldn’t sleep with him because he is FAMOUS and DAMN YOU seventh grade health class for not teaching us about uncircumcised penis but then we all voted that even if you didn’t know what you were doing, it was probably worth a try in this case because he is Rob Pattinson and failing at having The Sex with him is much better than never having The Sex with him in general. So that’s why Katie needed to find a fancy accent.
2. Kiss a bald man’s head. This just seemed like a good idea. So. When we were leaving dinner, Katie spotted a bald man and ran up to him, grabbed his head and planted one on him. This would have been fine if she hadn’t interrupted a fucking poker game, elbowed her way behind the people playing cards and almost got us kicked out of the casino for KISSING THE HEAD OF A DEALER. Jesus CHRIST I didn’t know I had to tell her to stay away from the dealers.
3. Drink from someone Asian’s glass. I am totally not trying to stereotype or act like an asshole but jesus, gambling is obviously a hobby of the Asians which leads me to believe that the reason they love it so much is because they can card count because they are all amazing at math. No offense. Just saying.
4. Play slot machine with a unicorn on it. Now I happen to know that there is such a game because I’ve played it before but the girls were all, oh my god, unicorns don’t even exist THEY ARE MAGIC, like we’d never find one so I just shut my mouth. But then we’re walking to find the club and my sister sees a machine with a unicorn it and starts hopping in place shrieking with her hands over her hand, splashing her drink all over the place. Said game, though, was being occupied but no worries, ten girls attacked the poor older couple that was clearly already enjoying themselves by shouting in their faces, OHMYGOD please move because she’s getting married and we’re hunting for unicorns and we found one can YOU JUST PLEASE GET OUT OF THE WAY WE NEED A PICTURE? You would have thought the fucking place was burning down by the way we were shouting with some sense of urgency that’s usually only reserved for fires but ANYWAY, it worked because the nice couple moved, the unicorn shot was taken and world order was reserved. Thank god.
5. Smoke a cigarette with a 70-year-old woman playing slots. This was like giving Katie a free one, but Katie never quite got around to it.
6. Picture of your ass in a sink. Because often when you’re drunk and in the girl’s room, you think sitting in the sink is a good place to sit while you talk. I’m not sure if this happened or not.
7. Sing Sweet Caroline with a Dustin Pedroia look-alike. I don’t even know where this was going to happen but we didn’t find anyone that looked like Dustin. Katie claimed one guy did but I think it was only because he had a Boston accent. And this is coming from the same girl who last time we were at Fenway, she’s screaming in the 4th inning, “PEDROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOIA, I LOVE YOU. Take your shirt OFF!!!” Then I say, confused, “Katie, the other team is on the field. And that’s not fucking Pedroia at second. That kid is black. And on the Astros. HOW THE FUCK DRUNK ARE YOU?” At which point she called me a liar and fell on the laps of the people seated in front of us.
8. Take a shot called the Blow Job and do it with no hands. Well, the bar we asked at refused to serve that shot and so we failed. But at least we tried. I’m sure it would have just been a sloppy scene anyway, so it’s best. We did do Patron coffee and Bailey’s shots with the mafia, though, at least we did something.
9. Bump and grind a guy named Derek. Nope, didn’t happen. We did go to a club, so it was possible, except for the fact that by the time we got to the club, SOMEONE was so drunk she was acting like one of those fucking weeble dolls that weebles and wobbles but won’t fall down. At one point in the night, I look over at my sister whose feet are firmly planted but whose body all of a sudden turns into a teetering bowling ball. She doesn’t even bend at the knees but somehow finds herself at a 90 degree angle, her head alone swinging around and taking out at least 4 people at a time. That’s the point she got sat on the bench and was told to not touch the vodka again which is when she looked at me with squinty eyes and yelled YEAH RIGHT and then knocked over a cranberry juice while taking her shoes off.
10. Find a guy in leopard print. This didn’t happen either. There were way too many Bud drinking, NASCAR cap wearing, wife beater sporting pieces of white trash parading around and too little leopard wearing trannies for this to be possible. I was a bit disappointed.
11. Find a Pauly D look-alike. This did happen, almost right out of the gate. Katie took one look at this kid and his crazy orange tan and excess hair gel and just started yelling, PAUUUUUUUUUUULY DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD. At that point, this kid looked scared because we all rushed him and I think he thought he was being attacked because he got some panicked look on his face and then Katie’s touching him yelling, SOMEONE TAKE OUR PICTURE and then he told us he’s not whoever we think he is because he’s from Guatemala which would explain why he didn’t understand we were just using him as a stand in but then again, I doubt he understood us at all because we were all standing there, clapping like seals and smirking at him, Katie was rubbing his shirt and the whole thing just looked creepy and awkward.
So that covers the start of the night. The rest of the night turned horrific the minute we met three members of the greater CT mafia.
We’re sitting at this bar with a waterfall, enjoying a few gins and margaritas when some creep guys asked us where we were from and if we wanted a drink. Obviously we accepted, which is when we were introduced to Tony, Lou and Vinny, Vinny obviously being the boss because he was about 5 foot 6 and 280 pounds. He was wearing a white linen get up with 4 thick gold chains. He was sweating a lot, kept touching my face and told us he’s in “waste management” and that he “takes care of things and people” at which point I told him that I’m sure they were not from CT but Jersey and that none of us were impressed unless he could have someone killed for us and then he and his nephews got all, DON’T SAY THAT OUT LOUD and I just gave him the evil eye for yelling at me and told him to stop lying out loud and I would stop talking about murder out loud. That’s probably what turned us into best friends.
After accepting our drinks from them, Katie got very aggressive and started acting like she had tourets by shouting at random moments, “I’m done with these idiots. They aren’t even cute.” And then me and the other two girls had to be like, “Ummm, they are sitting right here and can hear you,” which didn’t stop Katie because she kept shrieking, “Stop having them buy you guys drinks, I HATE THEM,” which was really awkward because she was shouting in one of their faces and I was 100% positive they weren’t deaf and she was ruining free drink night. Either way, her belligerence got to be way too much to handle and so we dragged her away and went to stand in line at the club, Ultra 88.
In line, I’m negotiating with the bouncer about whether or not we want bottle service for $240/bottle of Grey Goose just so we could have a private table and I tried telling him I didn’t need a table, I needed a dance floor so maybe they could just sell me a normal bottle of vodka that didn’t include the fucking price for a table from IKEA and we’d call it a day. He seemed less than thrilled that I was trying to barter with him, especially after I told him to, “Stop running your game on me like I’m some idiot”, which seemed to confuse him and the girls behind chanting BOTTLE SERVICE and Katie was beginning to look like she was unaware of where she was and just at that moment, Uncle Vinny and crew walked right past us, right through the VIP line and shouted, They’re with us and in my head I was staring in my own movie and so off we went, straight to our own table with overpriced vodka.
All was fine, if you consider fine being an awkward game off how not to play Twister with fat, sloppy mafia bosses, but really, all was good and Katie and the other girls were dancing their pants off and so everyone was winning until Mr. Grabby tried to get all kissy face and I was like, “I don’t do kisses” and he says, “Bottle Service isn’t free” so I scream, “WRAP IT UP GIRLS, WE ARE FUCKING LEAVING” and then I go put his stupid vodka back because he was NOT THE FUCKING BOSS OF US, whether or not he could have us killed, I’m still not sure and then I grabbed the girls and left the club.
And when I say girls, the only one that didn’t make it out was Katie, who was now refusing to leave the dance floor and she was shoeless. The only we got her out was physical force. In the middle of trying to drag her out all in one piece, no one happened to notice she wasn’t wearing shoes and so the minute we stopped touching her she shouts, NO SHOES and off she runs like a goddamned gazelle, right back into the club.
I just sat outside until she returned. She was starting to exhaust me.
The night continued with more inappropriate conversations, more gin and tequila and more random fun that shouldn’t be put in print. It was only when Katie started weeping out of sheer happiness and confusion that we put her in a cab and took her to the hotel.
Weeping at 1am on the night of your bachelorette party isn’t too shabby, now is it?
And that is the (almost) full story of how we invaded Mohegan and lost a bit more of our dignity, which at this point, I never even knew was possible.