Memoirs I hate

I’ll be very upfront in admitting that this entire post is fueled by jealousy. Awful jealousy that makes me want to flip a table.

I spent all of Sunday night, five hours worth, writing travel articles and male advice columns about awful, wrong topics and stories for the blog and all I can hear in the back of my head is my friend’s voice,

“Heather, you know Bristol Palin has a memoir.”

And that is just fucking bullshit. That moron isn’t even old enough to drink yet and she has a fucking memoir about her being an idiot all her life. Oddly enough, every Republican, middle aged woman will buy that stupid book and make that girl think she has writing skills. Which she doesn’t.

Other skanks that have memoirs about stupid shit that has caused me to hate them.

1. Jessica Cutler. The original memoir bitch that I hate. For years. Not only does just the look of her bother me but that nightmare got paid and famous for writing about blowing men at lunch and taking money for The Bad Sex. She was paid to write about being a skank and partying on the weekends. GODDAMNED LUCKY BITCH. Now I’ve never taken money for sex but I do have some great tales and I just hate her in general for getting paid to lay on her back and tell a story about it. I bet that bitch doesn’t even have a Trident gum story.

2. Snooki.

I don't even know where to start with this picture.

Do I even really need to get into this? The girl looks like a troll and drinks pickle juice.

3. Paris Hilton. Flakey skank. Dumb as bricks. Though this picture seems right up my alley but that’s beside the point.

4. Tila Tequilla.

All natural.

Why would I even have to elaborate on this one? Girl takes clothes off, becomes reality star, swings both ways and writes a book. I hate her. Furthermore, I can’t decide if I’m jealous or not that her last name, though self given, is a booze. I don’t think Heather Gin has a nice ring to it but Heather Bombay isn’t bad.

5. Fabio.
OHMYGOD. I know he’s not a female skank but christ, he is famous for having long hair on trash romance novels and spray butter commercials. And please do not tell me he has better hair than I do because that will just set me the fuck off.

6. Anyone with the last name Palin.

Dream Team of Brilliance

I reduced myself to buying Older Crazy Palin’s book last year for my stepdad for Christmas and just touching the thing made me want to launch myself off a bridge. The thought of reading about Bristol giving up her dignity after a night of binging on wine coolers like the pile of trash she is makes my head want to explode. That family is full of bullshit and the less I know about it, the better.

I cannot go on. The amount of moronic memoirs out there is too much for me to handle right now. I need to get back to finishing my chapters before five more idiots come along and finish another book first.