It just wouldn’t be a 7 year old’s birthday party if Black Riesling, ice cream cake and Kama Sutra weren’t involved. Forget ninja turtles, transformers, ride the dwarf pony your mom rented or football parties. My friend’s kids like to party with the best of us. Or, we make them because look, they are all under seven and what choice do they have? Plus we give them plenty of fanta, fried foods and sweets so it always appears like they’re having the time of their life.
Last night was my little buddy Jalen’s 7th birthday and he wanted to go out for sushi. Jalen is obviously a very classy lad already and we share an intense love for shrimp tempura AND ice cream cake so we’re pretty much best friends. Actually, we are best friends. He told me himself. Here we are together at dinner.
Sometime during dinner, maybe between my glass of Black Acid Death and my free glass of champagne, Tracy says to me, “Did you see the chopsticks? They are Kama Sutra sticks and VERY graphic.”
Now I cannot focus until I inspect all of the sticks. I was about to put these sticks in my mouth and little did I know they were covered in pictures of Asians doing dirty things to each other’s bits in broad daylight. And the fact that I put things in my mouth, like little pictures of sexy Asian games, without realizing it apparently, was just a bit overwhelming.
In looking at them closely, we all discovered the little Asians were doing one of three things. On one set, Mr. Japan was merely performing some sort of normal penetration, which would have been boring but there was a real focus on the insertion process, which I have to say was nice to look at. In the second set, there was a healthy dose of finger action going on and you could really get the feeling that everyone was enjoying themselves. Lastly, and my personal favorite, they were performing the very exciting and efficient, Reverse Cow Girl move. I felt kinda dirty just watching all this, and when I say all this, I really just mean looking at the dirty chopsticks like some pervert.
And by the way, I’m not sure why when I announced this on FB last night, ANYONE with a penis asked, What is Reverse Cow Girl? Jeez, guys. C’mon. I’d do you the favor of getting all graphic about it but here’s a pic from Cosmo that should do the trick.
Now picture that being done by tiny Asians on my EATING STICKS. Yum.
We were so delighted, in fact, that we asked Mr. Vi, owner of the sushi shop, where he got his sticks. We obviously needed some. And like a magician, he came back and gave each of us our very own set. Look at how fucking happy I am by this.
And so, like I was saying at the dinner table last night, these bad boys would make a perfect gift for anyone that likes Asian food or sex. That should cover pretty much everyone. You’re welcome. Now go buy some!
PS, this song came on the German radio last night right after we left the sushi restaurant. Freaky Germans. I love uncensored radio. (Ear muffs for the kids, please)
PPS, One day when Jalen gets older, I hope he appreciates that I wrote about his bday, Kama Sutra and dirty south rap songs all in one post. And titled it Kama Sutra in your mouth. Because he should.