Wednesday’s Ask Heather: Answers for Dudes

Ok, ok, I know. I failed last week but working on this last week was a blogging fail. I was just too busy and scattered to blog and so I’m sorry. I make lots of promises that I can’t keep but here, look! I’m on time this week. Here is your Ask Heather question of the week and get ready, it’s a funny one. So funny, in fact, that I spit coke all over my keyboard when I read it.

Boys need all the help they can get.

Dear Heather,

I’m having my nuts regularly sucked by a girl, honestly H this girl could suck start a leaf blower, and I’m getting annoyed that she finds it impossible to be punctual. I know it may sound trivial, and appear that I’m full of my own self importance, but if I arrange to call on her at 8 she should be ready by 8. It’s my own prerogative if I decide to undo all her good work over the back of the couch before we leave.

What do I do? Arrive later, tell her to be ready earlier and remind her how lucky she is to be dating me? I know my lack of imagination hasn’t abounded here – I haven’t used the waiting time to look through her address book and find her friend’s phone numbers or find out if she has a vulnerable sister.

Help H, I don’t know what to do.

Ha. Well, this is a fun question and dear god, the answer is not to go find out if she has a vulnerable sister, you filthy whore. Unless the problem continues more than 6 months and then I suppose you secretly hate her so at that point, you can do as you please but I’d suggest keeping it out of the family. Sleeping with people (plural) that share DNA is aggressive and fundamentally wrong and needs to be the subject of a whole other post. (*noted)

Now. The girls never being on time thing. This is 86% a game because we technically start getting ready for dates the minute we are asked, so if you ask us out on Monday for Friday, we start getting ready on Monday. Actually, if we like you, we have already planned out fake date number one in our head before you ask us, so most of the time what we are wearing, how the hair shall be did, what amount of cleavage will be revealed and how bare down there we will be has already been established. I would say that it’s not because we’re bat ass crazy but rather we like to be prepared, but crazy is a factor as well.

First and foremost, whether we walk out of the door looking like we belong on a pole or in your 11th grade science class, looks require a certain amount of detail to appear effortless or full of effort, depending on your approach. Looking like the girl next door means makeup that looks not like makeup at all but like your eyes happen to sparkle only if you turn your head in a certain direction and lips that shine just a little, only like you licked them, not plastered them with something. Cleavage looks deeper if you put bronzer on the girls and stomachs look slimmer depending on what shirt you wear, how it hits your pants or skirt and if you went with cleavage, usually eyes stay up top so your bottom half doesn’t matter as much til later. Though if you wear jeans, you have jeans that go with flops, ones that look great with boots and ones you’d wear with sneakers but no one wears sneakers on a date unless you’re 18 and going to a game. So there’s all that. Plus, hair doesn’t curl or straighten itself, accessories of the earring and nail polish nature must be added and then you have to consider a coat, a purse and JESUS CHRIST don’t forget to wear underwear that flatter and match and at the very least are just clean and not filled with holes.

That shit takes time. We’re not fucking miracle workers and if you take us out on a Friday, we had to work so try to manage all that in three hours while you try to drink wine to calm down AND talk to your best girlfriend on the phone so you can go over the game plan for courses of action if
1. Your date is cheap and makes you pay, even if you like to pay for yourself anyway.
2. Has a small/dysfunctional/visibly odd penis that would force you to never want to get in pants again and is making you want to leave immediately without looking like Cunt Of The Year.
3. The date just sucks in general and you need out now.

Those are all true life situations we must discuss on the phone with another vagina before you pick us up in case we blank and need a very recent conversation to fall back on. We go in prepared for anything.

And so the waiting thing is more about making an appearance. We want to red carpet it out to the couch or to the bar if you’re waiting there having had your third beer….We want you to look up at us and smile like you’ve just seen your first motherfucking unicorn upon our unveiling. And we want you to be like holy shit, WAIT?? WHO WAITED??

Furthermore, your “Shit, Shower and Shave” routine before a date is not strategic or acceptable EVER FUCKING EVER. Shitting, showering and shaving your face should be givens. Wearing a baseball hat is a dating fail. Cut your fucking fingernails so you don’t make me bleed at some point in the night. Brush your teeth twice, run your fingers through your hair or put some sort of product in it. Remember to deoderize your smelly parts and for FUCKS SAKE WASH YOUR BALLS. And please try to at least look like you washed your clothes and didn’t pick them up out of your hamper five minutes before you left your house because you got all distracted playing Angry Birds/Mortal Combat/touching yourself/whatever it is you do with your time that’s stupid.

So don’t even bother talking to her about it. And do yourself a favor and leave out the “you’re so lucky you’re dating me” part because you won’t so much as get an unlubed, painful handjob for that comment.
And for the record, if an extra 15 minutes of wait time ends up getting you laid, I’d quit your bitching and spend those 15 minutes working on how to master the fake smile.

You’re welcome.