Wednesday’s Ask Heather: Answers for Dudes

**I’m keeping this titled Wednesday’s Ask Heather because I am going to write it on Wednesdays, regardless of if today is Friday. I will not fail next week. Just so you know.

Dear Ask Heather: I’m planning on a romantic evening with a lady. I’m not sure who yet, just some lady. What music do you recommend for getting her in the mood and is there different kinds of music you’d recommend for regular old love-making and the kind of sex where you do things you wouldn’t do to a farm animal? From, I. Hayes
Aw, Hayes, thanks for asking. First thing’s first, though.

Do people still make playlists and mixed tapes? You have to be pretty smooth to think ahead and have something like that ready and waiting. And if you do, I like it. However, we need to have a sit down. No amount of mood music is going to trick a girl into sexing you, whether it’s all sensual like or the scary, I can’t make eye contact with you after doing that, type sex. We know, all of us, within three minutes of meeting you if you fall into one of three categories.

1. No fucking way in hell, I either despise you or you are creepy. We know this within thirty seconds.
2. Hmm, something about you is vaguely cute or interesting or at least could be after three drinks or maybe if you tell great jokes. I’m going to need an evening to consider whether or not I want to do you based on how little other random sex I’ve had or how many times I masturbated today but either way, there’s potential. At the very least we’ll be friends. Fun stuff.
3. I want to take your fucking shirt off with my teeth and eat you alive. For days. With nothing but Gatorade for hydration and a charged cell phone in case on of us almost dies and someone has to call the emergency ambulance line.

So, if you are either category two or three, you won’t NEED mood music because if you get her in the front door past 10pm, she knows why she’s there, regardless of how cute and coy and clueless she’s acting. That being said, playlists are awesome and even if you go to turn them on and she dies laughing at first, she’ll be the one at the next happy hour to her friends saying, “No, I’m serious. He made a playlist and yes, of course I almost died when he stripped me naked to (insert sexy song here)….” Then all the girls will think you’re adorable for coming prepared, even if a bit cheesy, and then they’ll all be swooning, wishing they were screwing really cute, thoughtful random penis, too.

It can be historically proven that people who want to do Bad Things to each other think it’s awesome when there are playlists involved. The mixed tape? Are you all forgetting about when someone made you a MIXED TAPE??? Shit. Then it was dedications at dances and cds made and wrapped with personal notes in college and then it was just random emails of just song titles and you’d have to be all, OHMYGOD WHAT SONG IS IT AND WHY IS EVERY WORD WRITTEN ABOUT ME?????????

Song dedication is one of the best, easiest forms of flirting of all time. Plus you have to go look up the lyrics, which is a pretty fun hobby in itself. And so the whole, create a mood music playlist? Sure thing. I subscribe.

First thing I did was check my playlist and jot down a number of songs I thought were sweet and some sexy. Then I asked a few of my All Things Jage experts. And together, we came up with these two lists.

When I asked a few friends for help, it was clear which friends would help with which list. There was list one: The Take My Breath Away Playlist, which is obviously for those times where we get to be Charlie and you get to be Maverick and The Sex involves tons of eye contact a kissing and losing your mind slowly. This is the love-making playlist, which is totally still a legit form of The Sex, even if my friend The Coug said, “Um, is that still a real way to do it? News to me.” Which is exactly why she’s in charge of the Fuck Me While You Pull My Hair Playlist. That playlist is for when you drive us to want to mount you, bite you, eat you alive but please pull my hair while I do it, I am going to RUIN you with the Good Sex, playlist.

Here is your Take My Breath Away Playlist:
“You Take My Breath Away” by Berlin
“Turn the Lights Down Low” Lauryn Hill and Bob Marley
“You Make it Real” James Morrison
“Stand by Me” Ben E. King
“Sitting on the Dock of the Bay” Otis Redding
“Wicked Game” Chris Isaac
“This Woman’s Work” Maxwell
“Sweet Surrender” Sarah McLachlan
“All My Days” Alexi Murdoch
“Pale Blue Eyes” – Velvet Underground
“Skinny Love” – Bon Iver
“Made in the Dark” – Hot Chip
“Papa Was a Rodeo” – Magnetic Fields
“First Day of My Life” – Bright Eyes
“Wonderful Tonight” by Eric Clapton
“When a Man Loves a Woman” by Percy Sledge
“No Ordinary Love” by Sade
“I Want to Know What Love Is” by Foreigner
“I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing” by Aerosmith
“It’s Your Love” by Tim McGraw and Faith Hill
“Right Here Waiting” by Richard Marx
“My Heart Will Go On” by Celine Dion
“Un-break My Heart” by Toni Braxton

Now. For our Fuck Me While You Pull My Hair Mix:
“Wild Thing” Tone-Loc
“Ayo Technology” Milow
“You Shook Me All Night Long” AC/DC
“Keep Me Warm” – Ida Maria
“Kiss with a Fist” – Florence & the Machine
“Doin’ It” LL Cool J
“I Want Your Sex” George Michael
“Pour Some Sugar On Me” Def Leppard
“Loud Love” Sound Garden
“Fuck Me Like An Animal” Nine Inch Nails (wicked cliché, I know)
“Closer” JEM
“Fuck her Gently” Tenacious D
“Big Booty Hoes” 2LiveCrew
“Colorblind” Counting Crows
“Be aggressive” Faith No More

***Some of these songs I agree with and some I wouldn’t want to get naked to, but, there’s a little something for everyone. Now, homework assignment of the day: Tell me your favorite sexy and sultry songs. Email or facebook me and add to my lists and I’ll post an update tomorrow–with any of your comments if you so desire.

That’s all for now. I’m late for my very important date with the Adriatic and so I’ll leave you all with a little Tenacious D. Enjoy!