Ask Heather: Your official Dudes’ Answer Girl

So. Today I woke up to this message frome a friend on FB:

Idea for your blog, a weekly “Ask Heather: The Dudes’ Answer Girl”.
Question for week one – Do chicks really dig when we shave down by our main phaser bank and photon torpedoes?

Well, J. Kirk from Iowa, thank you for asking. I LOVE giving advice on shit I may or may not be qualified for and especially about DUDES. And pubic hair. And, this will be an easy weekly post. SO. Please feel free to send your questions to my email and I will start answering them weekly, on Wednesdays. The more insane, the better. And, I will not name you (above name is code). You’re welcome. (*and yes, I will answer girl questions too)

Now back to the question. First. If you EVER refer to your junk as a phaser bank/photon torpedo, you will NEVER, never, reallyfuckingnever, know what a gal thinks about your region because you sound like a moron and I think it’s a girl rule not to bang people that talk like that. Unless you’re into Star Trek and all things geek, which I suppose some people are.

Anyway. More importantly, the answer is yes. Of course we dig it when you shave. Do you think I look forward to pulling pubes out of my teeth? Newsflash, I don’t. I also don’t prefer to have to hunt for my fun and if you’re going to insist on keeping shit full blown crazy down there, I am going to have to believe that:
1. You don’t care what I think.
2. You are lazy.
3. You suck in bed. This conclusion has to be drawn because if you suck at shaving, you suck at life which means you definitly suck in bed and why would I be interested in that?

Now let’s be clear. I didn’t say you had to get all porn star on me. I’m not even asking you to be creative like you all want us to be. I mean, really. As girls, we put in some extreme effort. You think landing strips and fancy shapes and bare jages JUST HAPPEN? No. That shit takes skill if you do it at home or it takes a bit of tolerance of pain if you prefer a healthy dose of hot wax. And we don’t do it for our health. We do it because we’re doing you a favor.

And FURTHER. I don’t care if you’re European. That is not an excuse and I know you think it is. How do I know Europeans don’t shave themselves? Because I was subject to torture one day when I went to this thermal spa in Iceland where they make you group shower your filth off before you get in the springs and OHMYGOD I have never seen so much international public hair in my LIFE. I was horrified. Chia pets EVERYWHERE. I felt like everyone had a bear skin rug draped on their privates but me. Also, everyone was washing themselves like the goal was to rip yourself raw. I have never seen so much red, raw skin and clumps of hair in my life. I can just imagine how much Drano that place has to use. Fucking Christ. I do NOT like group showering and this particular incident has obviously scarred me for all of eternity.

Jesus fuck. How people not shaving is making me aggressive now, I do not know. But, it is.

Now. I suppose we should discuss technique so there’s no confusion. When I say shave, I don’t mean you have to go all bald eagle on us if you don’t want to. But it wouldn’t kill you to dust off the clippers and cut an inch or two off. If I can grab your pubes and put them in a hair elastic, or wait a minute. If I can gather them in general, that is bullshit. Who knows why I’d be putting them in a hair elastic. Also, if I can shave every last angle of my jage with my eyes closed, you can most certainly de-fuzz your balls. Unless you don’t want my mouth near them, which is also fine. Up to you but really. Don’t get all, I have no idea why she avoids my balls if they have hair on them. Either she doesn’t want to swallow hair or she doesn’t know what to do with balls but that’s a whole other issue.

Another thing. If you’re proud of your cock, which most of you really are, I’m confused why you wouldn’t want to shave and put that bad boy on display. Unless you have a small dick, which is unfortunate and I guess you can hide it all you want. Or you’re probably not getting laid that much anyway so what the fuck does it matter.

I really wish I could include a picture of what I think is appropriate but I’m sure that’d get me flagged or something. I don’t even want to google shaved cock right now because 1. I still haven’t eaten and looking at some random penis is just going to make me gag and 2. No penis is THAT attractive. Sorry.

So. In closing, the moral of this story is shave yourself so I don’t have to feel like I’m banging out a sasquatch. And when I say me, I mean all the girls of the world. So not me, actually. Just in general.

PS, this is not about my husband. This was really a question that came in. He fucking hates when I generalize about random cock, leading people to believe I am speaking about him. I may or may not get a talking to at home when I do this. For the record, I actually never speak about my husband’s privates. Just so we’re clear. hahahahhahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.