Kids these days are pussies

Sometimes, when I watch little kids on the base during the day, I

1. Get nostalgic about all the things we used to have as kids
2. Get bullshit that all these kids are raised like a bunch of pussies that play with too many fucking electronics

Those are just two of my typical thoughts. But after seeing some kid reading some mental looking comic book today that had no value whatsoever, this book popped into my head. I honestly have no idea why some books stick with me and I fall back in love with them 25 years later. (fuck. I’m falling back in love with something I loved twenty-FIVEfuckingyearslater??? When did that happen?)

And then I thought about how much I used to love these books, and how they always led to some sort of weekend adventure in the woods or by the beach. (the boy version obviously being the Hardy Boys)

Which led me to thinking about these, which are still bad ass, if you want my opinion.

But don’t google “choose your own adventure” because you’ll only find mockeries such as this one, which I would typically find hysterical but I take my old school books seriously and I would appreciate it if we could leave cock and balls and death out of it.

Nevermind. It's funny. I take it back

Then this one

And this, by one of the world’s best authors of ALL time.

And then we, as girls, had these.

I totally thought I was like Stacey.


The Babysitter’s Club made all us want to start our very own business in which one of us would get to be the boss that would pimp out the rest of our friends to local couples to make tons of cash to buy lip gloss and tapes and candy with. Today, if you ask a kid what they want to be, they say complete bullshit things like, A vampire or a wizard or a shapeshifter or some bullshit that usually makes me want to punch them in the mouth and give the, “How dare you exist?” look to their mother.

And furthermore, while I’m giving my thoughts and hating on people’s illiterate children, I hate kids that look at sticks like they’re going to give them anthrax and get all, “You want me to do what? Play with a stick? Or with nothing, in the woods?”
Yes, tiny retard, I do. I could play with a stick in the backyard for hours. First of all, you can hit rocks with them. Second, you can sword fight your sister with them. You can walk through the woods with them. You can build and lean-to or a fort or stack them up and burn them. And if all else fails, you can beat the living fuck out of your brother with one just because you felt like it.

If I hear one more kid cry because their iPhone or hand-held whateverthefuckthey’replayingthesedays dies, I’m going to start abusing other people’s children.

So, no. Nothing set me off today. I am having a delightful day remembering the books of my childhood, which just happened to remind me that most kids I know today don’t read unless it’s a McDonald’s menu which reminded me of more reasons children are worthless which then reminded me that they need to be more creative, which led me to What You Can Do With A Stick and a Saturday Afternoon, idea.

What children’s books did everyone else read as a child? The good ones. The ones that you won’t forget and hope they never stop printing? Especially my international friends. What books did you guys read as kids? Maybe I could start my very own international collection!

Send them to me. It’ll help take my blood pressure down a notch or two.

Kids these days.