I’m gonna come at you like a spider monkey

So I was having a conversation with a friend a week or two ago about silverback gorillas and how beautiful they are (his opinion, not mine) and it reminded me that I have very strong feelings about monkeys and I also have them all ranked by type and I have thoughts about them being allowed to have sex at the zoo during business hours. So, since I am just lying around on the couch waiting for my strawberry rhubarb crumble to finish cooking (yes, I am practicing all things domestic this weekend), let’s talk monkeys.

And, since we’re talking monkeys now, “Chip, I’m gonna come at you like a spider monkey!” Is one of my most favorite movie quotes. And not shocking, I have been known to say it and then yeah, attack someone. Strictly friends, though, so it’s pretty harmless.

So back to my ranking system. It’s not really too elaborate, because I think I can only name 4 types of monkeys. Two I love, two I hate.

1. The Spider Monkey. The best monkey in the jungle. Seriously. This monkey has a cute face, has been known to wear hats of the bell hop nature, is quick as fuck and claps a lot. I’m not talking about those yellow ones, though. I think that’s a different type of small and quick monkey. In fact, we’re adding yellow, creepy monkey to my list below.

2. The chimpanzee.

Adorable. I want one as an assistant.

The cutest monkey. This used to be my favorite monkey until Michael Jackson got all creepy with it and then I couldn’t get over it because I’d be at the zoo and I’d see one and then I’d have to think about Neverland Ranch and weirdo pop stars with gloves that glitter and harems of tiny boys in PJS and none of that has anything to do with how fucking CUTE chimps are and screw you Michael Jackson for ruining almost everything I’ve ever loved about monkeys. I will note that I also do not find it funny when I see chimps smoking OR attempting to solve calculus problems, which I have seen both. Only people are allowed to smoke and let’s leave the calculus to the Asians. The world is better that way.

This shit pisses me off. So does the fact that they match.

3. Yellow, creepy monkey. I just don’t think yellow is a great color for a monkey. I mean look at the thing. He just screams fucking bizarro and I don’t like the way he’s staring right at us. He may seem harmless, but I doubt it.

That look is all, I will eat your babies when you're not looking.

3. The orangutan. To be clear, I’m not referring to the baby version. The baby version of anything is cute and entertaining. In fact, when I found this picture, it reminded of my sister when she was like two or three. That bitch didn’t grow hair until she was five and in the meantime, she kinda looked like this:

Only the hair looks like 3 yr old Katie. Adult Katie is going to kick my ass.

Anyway, the adult Orangutan is the saddest, most worthless monkey. I go to the zoo to enjoy myself. By the time I make it to this monkey’s pen, I am usually on a “I just saw a lion” high and then WHAM. This moon-faced beast has to go and look all depressed and indifferent and just fucking exhausted by life and ugh, monkeys are not supposed to MAKE ME FEEL BADLY.
Also, this monkey has Donald Trump hair. I can not support that.

4. The gorilla. I don’t care which kind. I hate them all. They are nasty, perverted beasts and they are too smart for their own good. I don’t even like looking those jerks in the eye because I just know they are plotting something. In fact, I’m not posting a picture of one because it’ll just set me the fuck off. I will tell you a little story, though, which will make you understand why I do not like the gorilla.

So one day in DC, I’m taking some random relative to the zoo. That’s what you do when you’re in DC. You bring everyone to every goddamned monument in the city and then you bring them to the zoo, primarily for the pandas, but everyone always wants to go in the monkey house. So there we are, in the monkey house. It’s raining outside, so all the monkeys are in and behind the glass, racing around and swinging from ropes, picking and eating fleas off each other and eating straw. It’s very busy in the monkey house and I have no idea who was with me, but I remember they were tickled. I was only tickled because there were two baby gorillas that were new and the babies are the best.

Because I was interested in the baby gorillas, I took a seat on the bench and let whoever was with me wander around and look at all the different types. I was content watching the two young ones hit each other on the head and then race off, swing off a rope and then bounce on a larger, less than thrilled looking relative. I would go as far to say that I was delighted by all this until out of NOWHERE, I saw the large, male gorilla out of the corner of my eye stand up and walk a bit into my eye sight and then make some commotion at another large one, which come to find out had a monkey vagina. So he’s all pointing at her and making some noises that were more aggressive than they needed to be at 2pm in the afternoon and oh dear god, then he ruined my life that day BY BENDING HER OVER AND GIVING IT TO HER iN FRONT OF ME. I say in front of me because the worst part wasn’t even that he was doing that other monkey in front of me like he was up for some monkey porn award. I say it because the whole time, his head was turned TOWARD ME and he stared RIGHT INTO MY EYES THE WHOLE TIME.

I’m not making this shit up. I was so horrified and angry that I had to keep looking at him so I could be sure he was really looking at me so that then I could at least hate him for a good reason. I’m not fucking kidding. He should have just pointed right at me and winked. Between that and the fact that Lady Gorilla was just all, faster, faster, let’s get this over with, UNINTERESTED, was just traumatizing. I mean, Christ. People were walking their kids off fast, middle-aged hags were gasping and covering their eyes and I just stood there with my mouth open, resisting the urge to take off towards him and then body slam him from the other side of the glass. No one gets all fucky, fucky in front of me, WHILE LOOKING ME IN THE EYE, and gets away with it. Monkeys included.

And what’s the worst part? He was so fucking proud of himself. I could just tell.

Well, now that I’m bullshit about monkeys again, let’s make a list of things my spider monkey would do for me if I had one around as a friend/assistant.
1. He would hop up and down and clap in place when I am excited.
2. He could obviously gauge my moods. Hopping when happy, breakdancing when I’m upset.
3. He would know how to pour wine and make gin and tonics.
4. He would walk Moxie. Or, BETTER, ride Moxie around on her back.
5. He would obviously sleep in my bed and brush my hair with his baby fingers while I read books.
6. Hopefully he’d know gymnastics so he could entertain my friends.
7. He would high-five me when we agree on something we think is awesome.
8. He would give the finger to anyone I despise. That way, they’d leave us alone and be confused b/c it would be kind of charming.
9. He would sharpen all my pencils for me.
10. He would suck his thumb because that would probably just be cute to watch from the couch.

I can’t think of anything else I’d need a monkey for right now, but if I do, I’ll do a follow-up post.

So. There you have it. My extended thoughts on monkeys.