Flashing the people of the world, balls and vagina, per usual.

I wish I felt worse about not writing but there has been no time to sit down and bang out a post while in Lisbon.  I have been dividing my time between excessive pastry eating, wine drinking, WORKING, seeing the sights, bringing in people from 38 countries, “interoperating” with said people (drinking wine) and entertaining and flashing locals.   Yes, I said flashing, which should really shock no one. 

So this’ll have to be quick but really.  I wish I could just make it one day without horrifying people. ONE DAY.  

So yesterday I decide to be a little different and wear a shirt that has buttons.  Weird, I know, right? 

Kind of like this but with short sleeves.

 If it’s not a dress, a sweater or a tee, I’m typically not interested.  However, I found this shirt with tags in the back of my closet before I came here and it’s just a black, short sleeved button down that is simple enough to feature a nice necklace, accentuate the girls and someone take off an inch around my middle, which is probably what really sold me on finally deciding to wear it.  So.  There I was, racing around the hotel in my black shirt and jeans, checking in around 250 participants and tending to requests, putting out fires and reducing the general level of hysteria all while remembering that if I smile enough, no one will know when I feel like my head wants to explode. 

Which it did, right after this one person who is typically beyond miserable gave me her typical eye rolling, sighing and dramatic  head bobbing when she thought she wasn’t staying in the hotel she wanted.  *Note to self, eye rolls and sighing to nothing for me except get you banned.  God, people are so fucking dramatic sometimes.   Anywhocaresaboutannoyingpeople.

So, there I was, racing up to the front desk to check on a few participants that did not show up for their rooms.  As I approached the desk, not one but all three (male) receptionists glanced at me, glanced down at their table (which is their normal, oh dear god if we pretend we can’t see her maybe she doesn’t exist or need something again tactic) but then, surprisingly, all three simultaneously whip their heads back around at me and seem very interested in what I have to say. 

If my tits could talk.

So I’m all, (in my head) yeah, yeah, the breasts are perky, thank you for noticing, participants need rooms blabbity blah and they’re all, Sure, Miss Heather, eyes never focusing, what did you say again?  And then maybe that’s when I felt a breeze.  Who knows. 

Immediately after leaving them, I run directly across the hall to the very nice and helpful and seemingly innocent Portuguese soldier at the welcome desk, who is helping everyone get badges and the like.  I spend five minutes with him going over agendas and participants and while he didn’t stare right at the below my neck region, he did seem really uncomfortable but I just assumed it was me being loud and chaotic again and maybe he was just scared of me.  That happens a lot.

And then, as if that wasn’t enough, I run up a flight of stairs to the host nation office, where three more very nice and very professional soldiers are sitting and chatting, who all look up at the same time and I notice that all of their eyes are kind of big considering I know they’re really tired so who knows what they’re all wide-eyed about.   So I jump into the room, wave and say hello and ask if there’s anything I can do for them to help, which now in looking back is slightly forward, and by slightly I mean jesus, it probably looked like I was whoring myself out.  They didn’t seem to need any help so I skipped on out and ran straight to the bathroom for a pee break. 

As I swing open the bathroom door, I am instantly greeted by an image of myself in the full wall mirror.

Me, unbuttoned down to my middle, five buttons undone, showcasing my pretty teal bra for all the world to see.  In its entirety.  In fact, only two bottom buttons were actually still in place.  

And now you know why I fucking hate buttons. 

Now.  Because I have to get back to my international pals, I’ll leave you with today’s search items from Google that brought people to read The Chronicles between 7am and 9am today. 

Search Terms Today Views
big balls 31
toilet cleaning 7
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cleaning toilet 6
marky mark calvin klein 5
montenegro europe 4
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brooke burke 2009 4
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vagina demotivational posters 1
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opening a jar of pickles- sedaris 1
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cute chubby baby 1
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Really, people just can’t get enough of balls and frozen vagina in the morning.  Because that makes sense.