Darkness, German evildoers and being pathetic

Today I will be discussing the fact that most 6 year old children are more suited to be left at home alone than I am.   I don’t even feel ashamed admitting that.  It is true and I am over it. 

So.  Darkness.   There isn’t much to go over with this one except that I am becoming increasingly worried about myself and my fear of being alone at night, unless I’ve been drinking wine, in which case I forget I’m afraid and could parade around the backyard not acting like a paranoid, jumpy freak.  But really.  It’s not so much that being alone in the dark, and by dark I even mean with just the TV on…It’s my reactions to scary noises that bother me.  Honest to God, if something were to really happen, like say a break-in, I would be worthless.  Let’s take last Thursday for example.  

I’m lying on the couch, watching Footloose, when one of the dogs starts whining and I hear the hall door pull shut, which is odd because I already shut it and the wind wasn’t blowing and I was the only person home.  It was then that I heard a thud out on the back porch.  The back porch that was ten feet behind me, outside behind big glass doors that do not have curtains.  So clearly if some German was out on my porch with a mask and wearing an animal skin coat, waving a torch around yelling, I would be fucked. (that image really has crossed my mind) 

Except with a torch. And a coat made of animal skin and fur. And yelling.


First, I kind of tried to hide in plain sight. I do this sometimes when I’m home alone and I get scared.  I freeze right where I am, and shrug my shoulders so that they almost touch my ears.  Then I close my eyes really tight and stop breathing.   Then I wait.  This would be my defense mechanism against break-ins, rapings, kidnappings, assaults and the people who break in your house to just burn them down, which I’m not sure when that actually happens but I’m pretty sure I’d leave if the house was on fire.   Either way, somehow along the way of life, I convinced myself that bad people leave you alone when they think you’re either dead or sleeping.  Holding my breath with my eyes shut on the couch is neither death nor sleep but it is still my go-to move.

While my eyes were shut, I realized I have no idea what the German version of 911 is.  That’s problematic.  What the fuck would I do?  Then I realized I had no idea what DO was. 

Then I remembered that I had bought cookies at the store earlier that day, forgot about being scared of the dark or the fake German on my porch with a torch.  Instead, I just wanted cookies.

And yes, that’s really how things are in my life.  Really, really nonsensical.