He probably deserved it.
I’ve never thought to do a Valentine’s Day tutorial. Seems stressful and there seem to be plenty of reasons I shouldn’t write about it: It’s not one of my favorite holidays. I’m not that creative. I don’t do relationship advice and typically, I’m pretty shit at acting like a girl so, we’ll see how this goes.
There are only 6 days left for those that are excited to celebrate the efforts of that naked midget with arrows so let’s talk it out. Already, weeks in advance, some of my single friends are freaking out and my married friends are either prepping to compete in some unspoken wifey of the year contest or they don’t care because all they want is to give their kids away for a day so they can get some sleep. So, as girls all over the world prepare to freakthefuckout next weekend for reasons valid and insane, and men around the world spend their time not caring or not remembering, let me share a few of my thoughts.
Here are some good ideas for Valentine’s Day–items you can purchase and easy things you can do just for the I-just-want-to-get-laid of it all.
If you just want suitable gifts (Which is fine. We all have a life, I get it.) for the Mr or Mrs in your life, try these:
Vibrators and Porn: Really. Let’s just all give each other something we really want. I will refrain from sending links of appropriate items because none will be work friendly but I will note that The Rabbit is always a fan favorite and I’m still a huge fan of anything Jenna and Brianna.
Customized BBQ branding:
Because really, who doesn’t want their initials in a thick and juicy steak right off the grill? Winner. www.steakbrandingirons.com
Now. Free (or almost) and easy gift ideas.
Breakfast in bed:
And don't be stingy with the bacon.
I promise. Extend the holiday and start it early on Sunday and you will probably get yourself some sexy time. Coffee and bacon are always winners and who doesn’t like food brought to them? But don’t let your kids in the bed, because this is about your Other. Your job after delivering said breakfast is to either lock those kids in a room or do something with them like give them Benadryl and put them in front of a Disney flick. This is supposed to be a relaxing breakfast.
A key to your place. A friend of mine was gifted this once and whenever she told someone about it, everyone was all oooooh, OHMYGODTHATISSOSWEET, heart melting, panties dropping. It is a pretty great gift. And, if they don’t already have one, they should. Unless you don’t want them to have one. In which case, you should probably break up.
Words: I promise you, one line spoken or written will be remembered forever. Gifts will not. You probably have no idea what a little, “You make me feel alive” does to the heart-strings. Really. Give it a try. And if you put it on paper, even better. One point for being thoughtful, one for leaving evidence of such.
A playlist: I promise. Everything you’ve ever felt about someone can be put into a playlist and though it’s very 1990s, we all still love a dedication now and then. I mean, really. How could you go wrong if you dedicated, say, “Please Forgive Me” to someone. You can’t, that’s how. Bryan Adams, you still make me losemyshit.
Blow jobs and back massages: Like the little black dress, both are timeless and classic. And free, if you don’t consider the fact that some people make a living giving both. Oh well.
The things I would do to Ryan Gosling in the rain...
A bundle of them. Don’t act like you’ve never seen The Notebook. Write your SO a letter telling them why you love them. Or one about the first time you knew you loved them. Or something equally as cliché as that. People really do love that shit.
And now, for the brain-dead, please do NOT:
Give red roses: I can’t even believe I have to discuss this. No one wants this. Really. Red roses are the most vile flower on earth. Try a hydrangea, some lilies or a pretty plant. Or if you’re me, you want some tulips or your very own willow tree.
Buy the, I bought you a star and it came with a certificate! Oh good god. I’m shocked people do this still. Don’t name a fucking star after me. If your girl is anything like me, we don’t want a star. We want the sun. Good luck with that.
Personal training gift certificates.
I get that it’s almost spring and you are just so concerned for your Other’s health. However, giving this on a holiday meant to celebrate a shared love for each other makes you a fucking asshole. And yes, it means you think we’re fat. Don’t do this. The recipient will start resenting you secretly and then very not so secretly.
Give chocolate. Seriously. Give a favorite, flavored bag of coffee, an autographed book, a charm or a homemade card (I LOVE homemade cards). Do not give fucking chocolate. Even expensive chocolate proves you’re unoriginal and obviously tacky.
Stuffed animals hugging hearts. You deserve to be single if you think this is a good idea.
Giving me this gift will not get my pants off.
PROPOSE ON VALENTINE’S DAY. This does not make anyone thoughtful. It makes you an uninspired, cliché douche. Really.
So, as we get closer to the most commercialized and ridiculous holiday on the calendar, I hope this helps kick start the planning for next week’s lovefest celebrations. At the very least, I hope something in this post helps you get laid.