I need a personal (fashionable) assistant, stat

Spring and Summer of 2011 are going to be crazy for me and my Mr. H.  We have been invited to four weddings back home and though I don’t think we can make one, we are in for at least three of them.  I haven’t been to three weddings in the past five years, including my own. Ugh. 

It’s not that I don’t like weddings…I do (kind of. tolerate might be a better word).  And considering the people getting married are people I LOVE TO DEATH, that’s not the issue either.  The issue is that I’m challenged by fashion and if it can’t go with flip-flops and a tank, I’m just lost.  And so.

Today I emailed two friends–one in DC and one in Florida.  I have asked for their expert opinions and I will seek the advice of others, as oddly enough, last year’s best fashion advice came from a bunch of Brits I work with, most notably my friend Billy, who made it VERY clear that if I am to look posh in London, feathers and gloves are a must. 

Focus on the feathers and gloves, not the dapper Brits

Obviously he was right.  And so, what in the hell am I going to wear this spring?  I have one wedding in DC at the end of April and one wedding in Denver at the end of May.  My sister’s wedding in July will be easy because I am in the wedding and so for now, I’ll just work on two dresses and worry about the rest later.

I am slightly annoyed with myself for even discussing this on The Chronicles because normally I don’t care about this type of shit.  The only reason I’m having some sort of fashion meltdown is:

1. I spent 13 nights watching TLC’s “What Not to Wear” with Stacy and Clinton and let’s be honest, I was every girl I saw on that show.  Now, I’m not all crying in a corner, look at me with no self-esteem because that is NOT ME, but  I’ve known for years that I’m lazy as all get out.  And I’ve been threatened many times by my girl Ambs that if I keep up my frumpfest, she’s going to submit me for an applicant.  I assume that since I’m in Germany now, she’s forgotten this and they can’t get to me but who knows.

Honestly, I can't tell you what's wrong with this outfit.

2.  I did end up wearing a cheap dress I had bought for this conference and ended up feeling like Christina Hendricks, my most favorite lesbian crush of 2011 and so if any dress can make you feel like her, buy a ton more them and run with it, right?  

Ok, so the dress I own looks *nothing* like this

 Well.  The dress was slightly different but either way, I’ll just throw it out there that I heart Ms. Hendricks, sometimes think I want to kiss her on the mouth and at the VERY least, if anyone, I would choose to look like her in the office, even if I’m rocking a Mad Men style, which is pretty hot in itself.  Jesus, I have no idea what this has to do with shopping for dresses to wear to a wedding. 

Back to this I-need-to-order-spring-dresses-online-disaster I was discussing earlier.  I need to, I hate it and if I have to sit here for another minute trying to figure out if coral rose, beeswax, and regetta are really the colors of the spring, I’m going to toss myself in traffic.  I don’t even know why anyone would name a color beeswax in the first place.  Eh.

Who in the hell wears shit like this??

So.  As we finish buying plane tickets for these weddings, I will continue this dress search and *try to be more girly and fashionable so as not to ruin anyone’s wedding photos. 

*Actually, I take back the girly part because that is just a bunch of bullshit.